Archive

11.30.2004

A Word From Clint...

Today I had to pervert the minds of sixth graders with thoughts of accounting.
I just had a devilish thought...The expression on the partner's face would
be priceless if I switched the educational tape with that of an artful porno movie.

Have you seen the movie Super Size Me?
Every time I go to McDonald's I think of it.
Today there was this 500 lb man(I'm guessing)
Every time he turned I would jump out of the way
because his wingspan was so wide
that I feared
he would knock me over.
He was a McDonald's employee.
He ordered two McGriddle's.
Now I know from watching Super Size Me that

the McGriddle is the most fattening item on the menu to date.

The Moral of the Story:
McDonald's is no better than a common drug dealer.

11.10.2004

DUCK HUNT: 20 Years Later


It's been almost 20 years since the release of this masterpiece and almost 16 years since I first grabbed that orange gun and started shooting...so I've decided to do a retrospective. What has Duck Hunt/ Skeet Shoot taught us? How has it affected the generation who grew up with it?
There's only a few things I can vividly remember from my childhood and all of them involve either falling off something or sitting in front of a television playing the NES. I remember that fateful day when my sister and I were being babysat by some girl who lived in a fancy house, I was only 4 or 5 but I can still picture the house perfectly, and the room where I first encountered NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM! It was glorious. I stood in awe as I stared at the mario brothers start screen. I still remember what I thought as I stared "I want. Gimme gimme." And I did. For Christmas or birthday or something I finally got the Mario Bros/ Duck Hunt double cartridge! It was my own, my precious!
For the first 5 days or so I stuck with Mario Bros, then after finally becoming slightly bored with it, I switched over to Duck Hunt. Hey this is great! Shooting hundreds of ducks with no intention of picking up their dead carcass, COOOOOL! Yeah, I got one, and another! I'm a crack shot fool! HUH!? What's this?... The screen turns red, "Fly Away"? What the!?
Why is that dog laughing at me? I felt the cold gun slip out of my hands and fall gently on the carpet. I slowly backed away from the television. I had never before in my life felt such ridicule from a videogame cartoon character. It hurt. I never again would play the Duck Hunt. The seed of hatred toward the canine species has been planted deep in my heart. Yes, Duck Hunt is responsible for my random displays of anger toward dogs.
Well that's it. At least the violence learned from Duck Hunt was counteracted by the puzzley goodness of Tetris and the cuteness of Mario.

Yeah there was no point to this. Goodnight.

11.08.2004

Never Rub Another Man's Rhubarb!

OOH WEE, it's the ultimate feeling. What's going on with me lately? What's the word? The LD? Well thanks for asking. Everything is awful. But I do have a few nuggets of interest to share...the past few days I've been trying to write a 10 paper based on a problem and solution. I chose piracy in the film industry, good thing I know nothing about it. But this is the last 10 pages I'm going to have to write for the ridiculously ridiculous Heartland Community College english department.
I've also been kind of looking for a job, the longer I go without one the more terrified I am of going back to repetative slavework, but Brett needs the green, can ya dig it?
There have been a couple awesome things happen in the world this week. None of which happened to me. Oh wait! The new Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith teaser trailer came out and it's every fanboys dream. It makes episode I and II look like sequels to The Ewok Adventure Movie. It's just too good be true. mmmmm. We'll have to wait and see.
The other great thing this week was my purchase of the fantastic concert DVD "Stop Making Sense". I'm not a huge Talking Heads fan, but this movie is just awesome, buy it now. It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure mixed with Last Waltz. I'll do a long review of it later, after I've BS'ed my way through ten pages of anti-piracy gobbledygook.

Have a nice week.

11.01.2004

The Evolution of the Hip Hop Lifestyle

Throughout the history of rap the style has become increasingly more bling blingy as time goes by. Things just keep getting more and more extravagant, so I've been wondering what's the next step after rapper's bling can't get any better and they can't get any higher? There's a limit to how many DVD players and X Boxes you can fit into your Mercedes. So how can tomorrow's rappers tell the world that they're rich and rapperific in a new way? I think in the next few years we are going to see a style change in which the new cool thing will be a "retirement home" style. I mean, nothing says relaxation, easy street and "I've made it" like retirement. I have forseen rappers in tricked out wheel chairs, popping medication and wearing velcrow shoes. Now, pimp canes will be pimp walkers and hootchies will have to have a degree in medicine and senior care.
I also had a vision of the post retirement era. Then the cool thing will be the funeral home style. Walking and moving in general will no longer be hip, coffins are where it's at. The biggest names in rap music will have their posse act as pall bearers.
w00t w00t!