Five Improvement Tips for Coldplay…
I’ll give Coldplay this much, they’ve successfully warded off the slew of U2 comparisons and become…successful. Are they still like U2? Yes, but at least they have a piano, and a different socio-political agenda. Will they ever be as good as U2? F no. I’m not here to argue that, because the idea is absurd, unless the god of rock and roll suddenly grants them a couple more perfect albums, at least fifteen more hit songs and the ability to finally carve out their own perfectly original musical niche. But the reality is that most bands will never be as successful as U2, so that’s not the point. The point is this; how can Coldplay improve themselves and one day potentially move into the realm of icon status?
Here are three very lame tips I have concocted...
Advice # 3...
Will Champion (lead guitar player) - No one knows who you are. No one knows who anyone else in the band is really, but EVERYONE should at least know you and Chris, the one-two punch. Here’s what you need to do: Lose 35 lbs, you’re much too healthy looking to be a legendary lead guitarist. If you don’t smoke, start. And finally, most importantly, change your name to something memorable, something "rockin". Like, Champ, or The Champ, or The Champion, or just Champion. Wilcham would be cool too. The C-Man would also rock. Make people notice you! You are the rock and roll power, you hold in your hands the tool that makes legends. Push that glory hound Chris out of the way, you deserve to rock.
Advice #2
There’s this idea about the Beatle’s music called “carnival”, which helps explain the success of their music by saying it was “all inclusive”, that it was so eclectic and fun that it reached everyone from kids to adults. Lord knows I’m not comparing, but Coldplay needs to take a cue, start being more, dare I say, less eurotrashy. Yes, I realize their ‘sound’ is supposed to be sparse and moody, but for the purpose of this (becoming an icon) which unfortunately requires American approval, they need lose the ‘attitude’. This can be accomplished fairly easily without changing much. First Chris Martin, you need some caffeine. Start singing like you’re not dead. Next, people love the electric guitar solo, we want solos, we wanna hear it rip, pleeeaaase, let the Champ-man shred on his axe! And lastly, you MUST learn the art of quirkiness, it won’t tarnish your “deep” image, just a song here or there, maybe even just a cover. Something lighthearted will accomplish two things: it will create better contrast on your album, making ‘deep and depressing’ songs sound deeper and more depressing, and will go a long way in making you seem approachable.
Advice #1
Chris, take a step back there, buddy. Learn some faux modesty, all the great front men know this. This is also easily accomplished: I don’t know if they do this or not, because I don’t listen to bootlegs or go to Coldplay shows, but start introducing the band, easy. And the other way to do this is to move your head out of the way and let the world see your band’s pretty faces. Just do some photo shoots where you conspicuously put yourself in the back, making it seem like your band has the forefront, but in reality you’re striking some pose that says, look at me, I am the front man. So it all works out in the end!
Advice #0
Shenanigans! Whether it be trashing the hotel room or conversing comically with the press, act like rock stars. Start a catch phrase, film a concert on top of the White House. Dating Gwyneth Paltrow is not enough, especially since no one likes her.
In conclusion, Coldplay needs to add some cherries to their vanilla ice cream. The End.
as of now, I give Coldplay a very generous 7.978437/10 Clocks.
Well I finally saw one of the three movies out now that I wanted to, Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit. The other two being Corpse Bride and Serenity. I've been a big fan of all the W&G movies, especially "The Wrong Trousers" which featured the hilarious evil penguin, so of course I was excited for this new one (even though I only recently knew it was coming out)...
This one has Wallace and his faithful (and probably more intelligent) dog Gromit in the pest control business, protecting their neighbor's prized crops from the rabbits who are growing out of control. So Wallace decides to try and brainwash the rabbits into not liking vegetables, but something goes terribly wrong, thus creating the were-rabbit, who starts terrorizing the neighborhood.
I don't really feel like analyzing this in depth, because I've been writing all night, but I will say that you guys need to go see it, it 's a lot of fun and filled with some great laughs, relying on story driven and subtle humor as opposed to a lot of other animated films whos humor has become very formulaic. It keeps up a good fun pace, has interesting characters and is beautifully done, the visuals are outstanding and deserve a big thumbs up.
So yeah, go see it sometime, or definitely check it out when it's on video.
8.65/10 Cracklin' Toasts.
If there was one thing people loved in the 80's, it was action, American's craved it, they needed it, but all they could do was sit and watch it on the television and in the theater, they couldn't act out their violent tendencies and still avoid jail time. So, when videogames finally reached the mainstream it was a no-brainer...Sure, jumping on the heads of turtles and shooting ducks was an acceptable short term deterent, but people deserved more and the lust for blood was not yet quenched. What they wanted was to kick @$$ on the mean streets of New York city from the safety of their own home and be able to select from 2-3 different characters which accurately represent their inner New Kid On The Block. They wanted to feel what it was like to be accepted into the street fighter sub culture, to see life through the eyes of someone who could beat the crap out of them. They wanted someone to ask them the question: "are you a bad enough dude?" 
And in the vein of all previous sidescrolling button smashers such as Double Dragon, Ninja Turtles, Bad Dudes, Final Fight, River City Ransom, Two Crude Dudes and Streets of Rage, we have one of the less interesting ones; COMBATRIBES. Combat-tribes. Ultimate warriors, vigilantes who solve the worlds problems one beating at a time.
I admit I enjoyed this game enough to not delete it off my computer, because it was either ripped off or developed by the same people who did River City Ransom, a classic NES game where you could punch, kick and throw most anything not tied to the ground. There was a simplicity about the action that made it very smooth and satisfying. But, I lost interest in this game after the introduction story. I mean in most other action games you KNOW what you're fighting for; a woman, the president, to save the city from certain destruction, but here, eh, it's too ambiguous and I'm too impatient to get through enough of it to figure out who the ground zero gang is. I don't even care.
As part of Osama Bin Laden's secret Al-Queida training his operatives would learn various occupations to fit in and terrorize America, some men learned to fly airplanes, some would become businessmen and some became videogame developers, who were responsible for this intro text.
The COMBATRIBES have also learned of another secret organization working for ground zero: "The Red Cross".
LONG PAUSE...
Their powers of deduction; solid...their widows peaks; legendary.
Here's the part of the game where I stopped playing. I hate clowns anyway, but these guys just aren't fighting fair, that purple one nailed me with a bowling pin in the back of the head. Idiot.
Look at me beg for mercy! Those silly clowns are ruthless. Look at em! Choking me and biting my fro.
All this retro action gaming got me to thinking...these types of games have all but disappeared! Yeah, we have Grand Theft Auto, Dead to Rights, that one Jet Li game and Max Payne but it's not the same, there isn't the same glamourizing of the street, surviving on nothing but your fists and your super cool jumpsuit and super cool hairdo, so I plead desperately with Nintendo and Sony and Microsoft, PALLLEEEAAAAASE MAKE THIS INTO A GAME AND OR MOVIE>
THE PTA HAS DISBANDED!!!!The television was on tonight and I happened to overhear some glorious news that, I'm afraid I'm jinxing by writing this but, apparently the Heartland CC teacher's union has voted unanimously to maybe strike in 8-10 days, I guess. And they mean business, they all wore red to signify they're out for blood! I should probably be alarmed at this news, it could potentially prolong my stay at HCC or prevent me from recieving my coveted Associate of Arts, but what can I say? I love a good strike...and I hate all my classes this semester.
Everything is proceeding according to my design, mwahahaha!!!
I got this album a while ago but really didn’t give it the listen it deserved, in my mind I guess I was sort of pouting that they didn’t decide to repeat what they did on their last album "Truth Be Told", so I almost cast aside this gem without giving it a proper chance, which is foolish considering I didn’t like their last album at first listen either or most any of my favorite albums for that matter...Over the past couple weeks the tracks have been playing randomly on my media player and I’ve discovered how layered these songs are, with each listen a new element of music becomes apparent leaving me pleasantly surprised at how fresh this is, and I keep wondering how a band just keeps getting better with age (in my opinion).
Blues Traveler has always been a very polished rhymic/ pseudo-blues band who never really broke away from their established sound at all until the “new era“ of the band, after bassist Bobby Sheehan passed away. Their last album wasn’t a huge change from the norm either but what I enjoy about it is the ‘purpose’ they suddenly seemed to discover, every song seemed carefully crafted, far more than their previous work which seemed to just build upon solos and rhythms and then became repetitious. 'Bastardos' is just as carefully crafted as Truth Be Told, but the band has also moved to the next step; adding innovation and layering. There had always been hints of experimentation in previous BT albums but it was far too safe and after a while it began to simply seem like stuff they were pulling out of their small bag of tricks; adding strange background vocals and other unnatural sounds here and there but never went far enough with them to be captivating.
Another thing that I felt their music lacked was a sense of epicness, I always felt that, especially with their first three albums, the melody and rhythm was always far too tightly compacted and quirky, the songs always often seemed hyper and the performances rushed.
The sound remains the same, this album is very Blues Traveler-ish of course, classic John Popper lyrics and vocals (which are the best they‘ve ever been), jams, harmonica solos…they’ve taken what we know and run it through a filter of excellent production, beautiful layering and surprise.
Bastardos is extremely engaging; there are parts where you expect a verse to simply enter the usual hook, and you wouldn’t have blamed them for it either, some of these songs could have played it safe and maybe been hits, but they insert a slightly off key melody or strange instrument choice that forces you to rewind and play again until you finally “get it”.
Finally, one thing different about Bastardos, that I’m not sure whether I like yet or not; the silliness is missing. I’m not sure how to describe it but in BT albums you usually expect a few songs that have extremely lighthearted, almost novelty, lyrical content that read like lists IE - “All in the Groove”, “Canadian Rose”, “Thinnest of Air”, “Felicia”, “Girl Inside My Head”, “Psycho Joe” etc. There isn’t one of those here, besides MAYBE “Rubberneck”, which is odd considering the album cover. I do enjoy the humor but there’s an air of quality that Bastardos has because of it's absense.
Anyhew, wonderful album, but unfortunately ol’ BT won’t be getting airplay again until they start riding on the wave of Coldplay‘s success or else put out a hip hop album, like one of my other favorite bands has recently done (wink wink). I’d love to see John Popper trying to sing depressing, sparse, lyrics while staring sickly into the camera. Only in bizzaro world. Screw radio play.
I give it 8.43/10 Bastardoses
and my rank of the BT albums...
1. Truth Be Told 2. Four 3. Bastardos 4. Bridge 5. Travelers and Theives 6. Straight on till Morning 7. Blues Traveler 8. Save His Soul
And in other news, there’s another mediocre radio station in town, JACKfm’s spin-off cousin, Bob radio, 97.3. At first I was excited because the station claims to play “everything”, but in playing “everything” it plays nothing. I listen and feel like, what the crap, I should be loving this, they play light semi-pop, relaxed/ acoustiquirky favorites from the early 70‘s through today, but there’s one problem, it’s ridiculously homogenous, there’s no reference points for the songs, so songs you usually love like Queen’s “Somebody to Love” has no “Princes of the Universe” to contrast it. One boring song fades into another without anything to bring up the excitement level by contrast. It’s like listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘Animals’ but without the Pink Floyd and the artsyness. And there’s not even a hint of ethnicity on the station, which means that most of my favorite artists will never be played.
And so I add this station to the list of “radio stations that got my hopes up”; the steaming pile 105.7, an adult contemporary station that is nothing more than the WBNQ (local pop hits station) archives and the other, 94.3 the smooth jazz station that has an extremely tiny play list.
In today’s "disturbing" category, I experienced the most awkward situation of my life. I was sitting in math class, listening to the teacher rattle off what seem like stereo instructions, completely lost and worrying whether or not I’ll be able to survive this class (finite math aka the most useless form of math I‘ve ever been forced to take in my life).
The teacher occasionally gets perturbed that we don’t participate more, but we honestly have two valid excuses, it’s early and we don’t have a clue what‘s going on.
So today we’re going over some word problem that happens to have the word ‘vessel’ in it, she pauses for a moment and I could see the think bubble above her head, her hyperanalytical math brain was formulating humor, hold on, wait for it...V = vessel, vessel = nautical word, nautical = pirates, pirates = funny, so apparently she though that V = funny.
I could see it coming from a mile away, so I immediately stared at the floor and clenched up like you do right before a roller coaster takes off…she says “when was the last time you used the word vessel?! (Am I right!? Am I right?!?!) -- she was implying by her facial expression, waiting for the laugh, the thunderous applause, the academy award for best supporting actress in a community college math class…
DEAD PAUSE IN THE ROOM. Not even a cough.
She continues to say something, I think, but I blacked out for a few seconds so I‘m not sure…
*Cricket…
Her golden opportunity quickly turns into our sin...
"there, I see a couple smiles" she winces *sigh "I try..it’s hard sometimes…"
There’s nowhere I can look that isn’t awkward, so I close my eyes.
In the future I will learn to recognize when math humor is on it’s way and muster up whatever fake smile I can manage.
What a day.
Oh and sorry about that word verification thing in the comments, I had to do it, every time I post now I get spam.
