Top 31 MST3K Villains: 15-11

#15 June and Paul THE LEECH WOMAN (802)
Ah, June and Paul. The embodiment of failed, corrosive marriages everywhere. In one corner we have Dr. Paul: sarcastic, manipulative, ego-maniacal, takes pleasure at his wife's displeasure.
June: raging alcoholic, loves the booze, despises her husband yet desperately seeks his approval. Places all self-worth in her appearance which is starting to deteriorate, thus causing Paul to lose all sexual interest in her.
This dynamic duo of deep seeded bitterness and backbiting are two of the truly evil villains to grace this list!


#14 Soultaker and the Angel of Death SOULTAKER (1001)
Joe Estevez and Robert Z'dar team up for a powerhouse performance in SOULTAKER, the unintentionally funny, less entertaining version of Ghost Dad. It makes me wonder how no one besides Ingmar Bergman thought of the idea earlier. In most horror films the bad guys usually try to kill people. But so what? It's not like they're determining the fate of their victim's immortal souls...until now!
The most chilling aspect of this film: the realization that you're not dealing with the usual Estevez or Sheen.


#13 Satan THE UNDEAD (806)
Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, a common fixture in the movies of mst3k. Of all his incarnations in the b-movie world, including his feud with Santa Claus, I think his finest moment was his appearance in the Leonard Maltin favorite "The Undead". Here Satan is at his most elf-like, a spry, young, devilish upstart looking forward to grabbing those souls. In the slightly memorable introduction scene the devil warns us about something happening to someone or something...I dunno, he's very emphatic about it though.

#12 Sheriff SQUIRM (1012)
The country-cracker sheriff, white as snow, life-long klan member and (like Satan) a very common element in the low budget film. There are in fact a number of memorably bad members of law enforcement that could have made this list. But of them all one holds a special place in my heart, the weird albino sheriff from the worm horror film Squirm.
As everybody knows perfectly well small town law is deathly suspicious of outsiders, especially if they're from the opposing side in the war of northern aggression. You step outta line with your alien Yankee ways and there'll be a deep fried boot up yer @$ before you can say "Egg Cream".

#11 Parrot/Sloth Alien NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (701)
There are many giant turds meant to pass as movie monsters but few match the poor/nonexistent level of craftsmanship employed in the making of the Blood Beast, who looks like a wad of gum after a trip through a vacuum cleaner. Contrasting his utterly pathetic visual quality is the exotic alien voice of Richard Keilly, or some equally bad 1950's American overdub.

In Search of Thunder Island: Starring Jay Ferguson

Hello, lovers, I'm Jay Ferguson, 1970's superstar and Jimmy Buffett protege. You might remember me from such classic hit as Thunder Island. Join me on the Travel Channel as I journey across America in search of those private retreats, those reclusive love-making hideaways, slices of paradise, villa-de-la-scandalosa in sexy, faraway, unexpected places.
Due to overwhelming fan inquiry episode one sheds the spotlight on my own hidden sex bungalow located in Bowen's Corner New York. 2000 acres of prime bungle jungle. I'll show you my favorite tree to make time under...it's near a pond, where the fish lives. Join me, will you. And remember, love is cold but it has its magic moments. Vaya con dios, dreamers!

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 20-16

#20 Killer Shrews KILLER SHREWS (407)
I only have a vague notion of what exactly a shrew is, if it's even a real creature at all. I think it might just be a relative of the snipe, something you can apparently tame, but I do know for sure they don't look like nasty, paper mache' "real fur" cats you buy at garage sales or find in old ladies' bathrooms. Even more un-shrew-like is the films' use of domestic dogs draped in shag carpeting when the oddly constructed puppets won't do.




#19 Grandma TOUCH OF SATAN (908)
"Call me Ms. Margaret Rawhide Chew". What's more lovable than a senile grandmother? How about one that murders your super-70's, Ryan O'Neil-lly boyfriends, and sheriffs and anyone else who wanders on to your property!
Her back story is that she was burned as a witch and thus really isn't anyone's grandma, but unlike numerous other b-movie revenge seeking monsters, she kills indiscriminately. Why shouldn't all mankind be punished for the atrocities committed against her!

#18 Trumpy POD PEOPLE (303)
Yes, it's Trumpy! E.T.'s homicidal, Mexican cousin! And like E.T., Trumpy has a naive little boy who follows him around. The kid in this film though suffers from an irreparable, life crippling disillusionment that makes him think everything the Pod People do (including killing van loads of horny teenagers) utterly fantastic and wonderful! Complimenting his star-struck attitude is a poorly dubbed voiceover done by an adult woman.




#17 The Great Vorelli and Hugo DEVIL DOLL (818)
Bryant Haliday (The Projected Man) is back, and this time he really hates his puppet. But who doesn't hate puppets? They're third behind carnies and clowns on the devil scale. Not to mention Hugo has no personality whatsoever, he just responds to his master's constant taunting and criticisms in a bland, monotone voice. "Gimme wine! Why can't I have wine!?" Well, Hugo won't take this kind of second class treatment for long, soon he will turn the tables on the treachurous Vorelli and drink all the wine he pleases!

#16 Gypsy Woman THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES... (812)
"FEELTHY PEEG!"
Yes it's Elizabeth Taylor as the Gypsy in "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies".

A word of caution, never reject the advances of weird gypsy psychics, they will throw acid on your face and call you a filthy pig.

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 25-21

#25 The Martians SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (321)
There are few things in this world more evil than kidnapping Santa. Few would attempt it, fearing for their very souls. Only the godless heathens who live on Mars could even conceive such a thing. In this sweeping epic a group of technologically superior green men, with their technologically advanced pith helmets that circulate oxygen around their brains, invade the north pole. But their plans begin to falter as a potential coup d'etat springs up in their ranks. Lead by the Carl Youstremski-mustached Voldar, his faction wants to keep Santa's tom-foolery away from the children of Mars. But the Martian Leader Kimar, at the behest of his nagging wife, desires to bring Saint Nick to the Red Planet.

#24 Truxartis DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (703)
Truxartis, he could be your uncle or your high school shop teacher, he's just that average. He's just sort-of evil, an understated, humble evil. His blandness is unparalleled. In fact, there's not much that distinguishes him as the bad guy in this film other than his constant yelling, and the fact that the movie wants us to believe he's an arch nemesis of some kind.




#23 Zor CAVE DWELLERS (301)
Beware the mullet of Zor.

Ah, Zor. What to say about Zor. Zor, Zor, Zor. Zor makes this list because of his impecible fu man chu mustache and ability to stretch out sentences and emphasize words as to make even the most banal of statements seem profound. His strange fascination with Ator and the uncomfortable tension between them makes Zor unique as an antagonist in that he seems to be battling the hero out of begrudement over their former relationship.



#22 MacPhearson SPACE MUTINY (820)
Known more commonly as Robbie Robertson, MacPhearson is the sleazier right hand man to Kalgon. And like Kalgon he can't seem to make it through a sentence without laughing hysterically at the prospect of perpetrating evil deeds. As Kalgon's first lieutinent, MacPhearson's duties include managing poorly acted scenes regarding the mutinous plot, limping aimlessly around the ship's boiler room, and getting roasted alive by the hero.




#21 Psycho ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (604)
Let me just say that Psycho makes Biff and Jimmy and Johnny look like good citizens. He is the patron saint of 80's teen baddies. The embodiment of the "I-don't-care, I'm gonna leave nerds in the dust, especially if they're goin' to school like nerds" attitude. Leather jacket...check. Awesome ride...check. Finely permed do...check. Hit-and-runs old women and children with his Pontiac Firebird...CHECK!
There's nothing this depraved youth wouldn't do to get back at his old man who drinks every night!

Rock & Roll Wisdom: Oh Sheila

"Like they always say,
what's good for the goose is always good for the gander...oh sheyluh."

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 31-26

Ineffectual; the one word that best describes the kind of villainy portrayed in the films of Mystery Science Theater. Characters who were born with a fanatical propensity for being (or at least trying to be) evil. Except there's one problem, they suck at it. In your average film these guys would be hard pressed to make it as a mere crony. If conflict is drama then these protagonist's miscalculations, buffoonery and poorly executed designs are obstacles akin to a rainy day, or a flat tire. But what places these nuisances in the pantheon of low-grade movie antagonist history are precisely those things; if Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch take the main route to achieving their fiendish plan, our villains leave behind a map and a trail of crumbs for the hero to follow...then stop every thirty seconds for a hearty, sinister laugh, or to awkwardly fondle or snicker snag someone to death.
And now, a list of what I think are the thirty greatest villains of MST3K...

#31 Giant Beau Bridges and Posse VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (523)
In this bizarre, Disney-esque romp, teenage Beau Bridges and crew steal a growth elixir from Ron Howard and his brother played by Tommy Kirk. With their newly discovered authority the first thing our misunderstood youths decide to do is terrorize the neighborhood with a long, slow motion dance scene. In this dazzling five minute sequence (choreographed by Toni Basil) the giant teens seek their revenge on player haters by forcing the crowd below to witness their awful, ultra-white display of what passed for dancing in the 60's. After said slow-motion orgy, Beau and Company retreat to the local theater which they have now designated their headquarters, where they sit, eating tiny buckets of chicken while Beau Bridges delivers his snide-iest, most condescending performance ever.

#30 Imp THE UNDEAD (806)
I think Crow put it best: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"
There's not much to be said, this strange little imp man only appears briefly in the film, playing second fiddle, of course, to Satan himself (who appears later in this list) but never-the-less manages to leave his hideous, lollipop guild features ingrained on my retinas.




#29 Turtle Aliens LASERBLAST (706)
Their goal: recover the stolen laser. Their target: the blast-happy hippie and his shaggin' waggin'...
If only it were that easy. For the duration of the film we occasionally check back on the progress of the two aliens and see that their mission has quickly gone awry, rendering them totally irrelevant to the plot. After taking numerous wrong turns, bickering amongst themselves and dealing with faulty equipment, they finally re-appear out of nowhere in the last scene, killing the main character, and thus restoring order to whatever it was that was supposed to be happening...or something.


#28 Carlo Lombardi THE SHE CREATURE (808)

SLEEEEEP! Yes, it's Carlo Lombardi; master hypnotist and professional Slim Whitman impersonator. Mr. Lombardi's evil deeds are greasy, controlling, manipulative and (in general) quite vague. As the main antagonist in She Creature he (like Hitler, sort of) makes the mistake of fighting a two front war. On one hand he must elude law enforcement as they investigate his killer, pet ghost-lobster (aka "The She Creature") that he has unleashed on seemingly random individuals, for seemingly no purpose other than to say that he predicted it... or something. On the other front Lombardi must battle the professionally dull Dr. Lance Fuller as he attempts to rescue Lombardi's female assistant from his hypnotic stranglehold. "Love me! Love me and SLEEEP!"
 
#27 Paul THE PROJECTED MAN (901)
Beware the heinous treachery of...Paul! Respectable scientist turned two-face killer. He seeks revenge on certain investors who pulled the funding from his latest project, which was to build a laser that could transport physical objects to other locations, like Wonka's Chocolavision. Using his hideously scarred right hand Paul sets fire to the homes of young women, and blue collar cockney types who have nothing to do with the plot. It seems as though the accident has damaged the side of his brain that remembers who exactly he was supposed to be taking vengence upon.

#26 The Assassin DANGER! DEATH RAY (620)
Abe Lincoln: Assassin.
For some vague reason this hit man is sent to eliminate our main character, the secret agent. He appears in only a handful of scenes but the amazing level of incompetence he displays as a killer made it impossible to not include him here. With great ease Bart (the secret agent) foils each and every one of his poorly planned attempts, until finally, in one memorable scene, the assassin shows up at his hotel room disguised as room service. After his ruse is uncovered and him foiled, he leaps to tackle the hero who (standing in front of a balcony window) simply sidesteps as Mr. Lincoln plummets to his death below.