Archive

9.05.2009

THOUGHTS!





Dear Street Fighter II,


Your cabinet is very popular in our meeting halls.

sincerely, the White Knights of Alabama



And now for a brief summary of things I plan on writing about in varying lengths...

1. This summer: he's a cop who plays by all the rules... and he gets along perfectly amiably with his partner.
2. Cat obedience schools
3. Televised baseball's greatest tradition: zooming in on attractive women
4. Creating your our own personal Bond theme
5. Living the smooth jazz lifestyle
6. You can get away with anything as long as Harry Belafonte music is playing
7. The Professional Juror - this Fall on CBS
8. The golf scene in Navy SEALS vs. the volleyball scene in Top Gun
9. What's the deal with 80's teenagers always going to the lake for the weekend?
10. Kanye and others: shocking pre-fab publicity stunts OF THE STARS
12. People who are anal about Americans calling themselves Americans even though they know exactly what it means and there are no other countries that have "America" in their title. 

13. Xtreme History-ing and history flash mobs: reinactors perform impromptu raids on old fortifications during the height of tourist season.
16. Action Movie Ambulance Denouement Scene: THE MOVIE and or TV SHOW! Picture this...a movie that follows around the hard working folks who hand out blankets to action stars, zany sidekicks and their families at the end of hard-boiled action flicks.
17. Using modern technology to trick your loved ones into thinking you're really far away, but then actually being there to surprise them while they're busy staring at their laptop or phone. Personally I prefer spending years out of touch and then showing up without warning.
19. The Lord of the Rings Eagles: Always there to bail out your cornered narrative!
20. 1-800-Prove It. The joke's on you Old Spice, I use a $3,000 deodorant from Milan! HA-HA!
21. Following people around until they pay what they owe you...like they do in the movies!

22. The Adventures of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Wes Anderson and Dos Equis, a match made in quirky, cinematic heaven.   
23. The imaginary third wall: the future of home architecture AND the future of LIVE reality sitcom!
24. Drive hammered, get nailed...LITERALLY. Crucifixion is back in the State of Illinois' increasingly extreme drunk driving deterrence program. Be sure to vote on proposition 23: no more parking lots for establishments that sell or serve alcohol.  
25. People seeing characters in movies do stupid crap at weddings and then deciding that it would be a good idea to do it at their own wedding.

RANCH STYLE HOMES - It's the 1950's and you're a newlywed swinger who wants the most out of life, but the kicks are running thin. It's true, you'll never be rich enough. Ranches are for oil tycoons and drug lords. So how is Johnny Square ever going to afford that fabulous ranch style home outside of Dallas? Answer: why not bring the ranch to you... at an affordable price!
Realtor: "Function and aesthetic are out. Ranch is the new trend in illusory wealth."
"We'll take it!
"
Crusty 1950's party-guests swooning with envy: "A ranch!? Here in Chicago? Well, I'll be, they must have large sums of acreage hidden somewhere, then!"
I picture a loving family standing portrait style by their front door, father gazing confidently out across the street at the other houses, "traditional" houses with two or three stories that a child could easily fall from. Tall houses unable to withstand the harrowing winds of the Skokie 'burbs. "Only a flat, shoe-box shaped house can withstand the imminent nuclear attack from the Soviets, son."
Timmy nods appreciatively as his beaniecopter hat spins with a whirl and Susie takes a big lick from her over-sized lollipop.
A lesson as old as the Scripture.
But that was then. In current times these monuments to patriarchy of olde sit like mausoleums on aging street corners where ghosts of formerly-murdered inhabitants replay incidents which are visible through one of the many front-side bay windows as you drive home to your lesser housing.

Random: Not What You Think It Means...
helping bored and shallow youths believe in their specialness since 2004

Dear people, you are not random. You are not being random. Random does not equal odd or unusual. The only things that are random are lotto numbers, police lineups, brownouts and lightning strikes...unless they are sent specifically by Zeus to kill golfers. I know it's hard being young and trying to differentiate yourself in the same way that the rest of your peers are differentiating. So what better way than by letting everyone know that there's no rational apparatus governing your decision making process, in other words; you have tourette syndrome. Watch out for this person! They may just go to Dairy Queen and have a Blizzard with gummie bears on top! That is SO 2009!
Don't get me wrong, being "random" is a lot easier than developing genuine interests in things. "Things" are not all that cool and take way too long to learn. Sometimes it's more fulfilling to keep people on edge wondering what you might do next (and wearing a t-shirt that warns them of such). You're a Mentos commercial waiting to let loose and amaze your Facebook friends with a status update that has the lyrics from a song that just played on your i-Pod, RANDOMLY! Oh snap!