'La-ckri-tiv-ity' ; LA-KRI-TI-VI-TEE: "a word Brett just made up to describe the barren wasteland that currently characterizes his idea bank. The sweet, elusive idea."
Uuugh, there is nothing going on in my life right now, and I use nothing in it's most literal form. "NO""-""THING". I've tried desperately to come up with some witty story to post, I can't even think of any top 10 list I could make, rock bottom. I sit in my room and I watch TV, I don't know why either; I hate it, I hate sitcoms, I hate commercials, I hate everything on it except King of Hill and the Simpsons but they're only on for three hours a day, so the rest of the time I "have to" sit through an endless parade of Jared's Subway commercials and what currently seems to be a million Chrysler ads.
(Seinfeld voice): What is the deal with the old man in the chrysler ads?! Was he a famous 1950's Chrysler salesman? Is he or was he the CEO? They suddenly bring this guy back and expect us to know who the crap he is. I've never seen him before in my life and suddenly we're supposed to know all his catch phrases? Sure, maybe there's some 50+ folk out there who recite "if there's a better car, buy it!" in unison, but what are the rest of us supposed to do!? We're left out. And then a tear fell from my rosey cheek.
Anyway, maybe he's the Dave Thomas of the car world! Or maybe he IS famous and I'm just an idiot, fair enough. I'd do some research on the guy, but luckily for you I'm too tired and don't care.
And Jared, oy vey. Sweet dude! You lost weight because you excercised! Dear Subway, no one cares anymore, in fact it's been two and half years since people cared, I think Jared has already paid off his plastic surgery bill, now, it's time to get a talking dog or something, something not hideous.
In the 'boring spokespersons hall of fame', Jared Fogle will be in the number 2 spot, right behind Winford Brimley's "Diabeedis" commercial. There, I said it.
I know, I'm cranky today, sorry, this post sucked...I'm getting rid of my TV, it'll all be better tomorrow.
Have a nice week and remember: "let the wind of harmony blow through your grassy hair"
8.12.2005
8.05.2005
Television is Fun
FOX Sunday afternoon movies, one of the great treasures of life. It's the nosh that adds flavor to my rigorous daily routine. Every week the producers over at FOX 43 seem to reach deeper and deeper into the "please destroy" film archives and emerge with a dryer, more hyper violent, 90's B movie than was shown the week before, unless NASCAR is on. Usually, if we get lucky, they show us one well known movie, like Die Hard 2, The Crow or The Beaches. If we get really lucky, they show us two movies of lesser box office success, like Three Ninjas III: Battle of Magic Mountain or Police Academy XVIII: Mission to Hell. BUT, like this week, if we hit the jackpot, they show us three movies that never saw the light of day;
The first of the three movies I only caught the last half of, so I didn't catch the title. And I've tried desperately to figure out what the movie is called, I tried IMDB.com but I don't know any of the actor's names, all I know is that there's that one semi famous blonde actor who always played loveable father figures in the 90's, but I have no idea what his name is. I also tried searching for last weeks TV schedule, but to no avail. So I'll just painfully describe it to you...
What I caught of the movie was great, great film making...the story was about this guy with 90's "TV hair" I.E. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the Kid from "Sidekicks" and every little boy to appear on Full House, you know, THAT hair. So, the guy with the TV hair is protecting this woman who has a tape which exposes the first ladies' sexual exploits, and could destroy the president. In the movie's big climax, the TV hair guy ends up having to make a choice, let his girlfriend get shot by the drug lord or give up the precious, incriminating video tape. Of course he gives up the tape, but the drug lord leaves them to die anyway. In a totally outrageous scene, Mr. TV hair overtakes five armed guards and then escapes. Yeah, so then TV hair guy and his girlfriend are running away when the drug lord appears and tries to shoot the girl, but TV hair guy has perfect timing and jumps in the way of the bullet, thus dying. Oy vey. The last scene of the film shows the woman at home when a package arrives, oh boy, it's a copy of the tape with a letter attached, "in case I didn't make it".
Uuuuuh. There were so many ways that TV hair could have avoided death, or anything dangerous for that matter. I guess giving in to the bad guy's demands is a big no no in an action film, even if he could have still been defeated, WITH A FREAKIN COPY OF THE TAPE, or better yet, TWENTY COPIES!!!!@#()$@#%
"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
The next fabulous movie was "Styx" starring Peter Wellers of Robocop fame. Well, I checked out the info for this movie at IMDB and apparently (to my surprise) this was made in 2001. I just assumed it was a 90's film because, well, it looks like it, and all the police cars were 1992 ford Taurus’s. My mistake. I'm almost positive that this film was the first failed attempt at a remake of Ocean's 11, or maybe Ronin. Wait, Ronin was made before 2001 right? So, ah never mind.
And finally, the worst film I have ever seen in my life, hands down, was the third delightful picture of the afternoon; "Diamond Men". It has no plot, no action, no point, no nothing...
Here’s the plot summary from IMDB:
"After 30 years on the road a veteran jewelry salesman is forced to show his young replacement the tricks of the trade. But when the kid introduces him to the ladies of the "Altoona Riding Club," the old dog is introduced to a whole new set of tricks."
Sounds fun. And apparently some people think it is. It has a 7.1 rating. I can't breathe.
And now, I just noticed that this was also made in 2000. Unbelievable. Maybe it's just the thick layer of grease coating the film that confuses me. I just don't know anymore.
SO, The only thing this movie does have, but probably shouldn't have, is Donnie Wahlberg. That's right, he was The Funky Bunch. I like Donnie, he’s got more attitude than Marky Mark and that’s important. In fact, he has more attitude than Vin Desil, he's more versitile than Desil AND his last name is Wahlberg, brother of Mark, B-list celebrity.
Dear Hollywood,
Donnie Wahlberg: xXx 3: Hail to the Chief. Get it done. Also starring Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken and Randy Quaid. Do it.
I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, but Donnie’s starring role in this movie is about as notable as Vanilla Ice in Ninja Turtles II. There, I said it. But I guess this movie had no affect on Donnie’s success, because he will be appearing in the sequel to another one of my “favorite” movies; “Saw 2”. Hip Hip Hooray.
Now I'm just rambling, too busy thinking about how freakin Diamond Men has a 7.1 rating.
Have a nice day.
The first of the three movies I only caught the last half of, so I didn't catch the title. And I've tried desperately to figure out what the movie is called, I tried IMDB.com but I don't know any of the actor's names, all I know is that there's that one semi famous blonde actor who always played loveable father figures in the 90's, but I have no idea what his name is. I also tried searching for last weeks TV schedule, but to no avail. So I'll just painfully describe it to you...
What I caught of the movie was great, great film making...the story was about this guy with 90's "TV hair" I.E. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the Kid from "Sidekicks" and every little boy to appear on Full House, you know, THAT hair. So, the guy with the TV hair is protecting this woman who has a tape which exposes the first ladies' sexual exploits, and could destroy the president. In the movie's big climax, the TV hair guy ends up having to make a choice, let his girlfriend get shot by the drug lord or give up the precious, incriminating video tape. Of course he gives up the tape, but the drug lord leaves them to die anyway. In a totally outrageous scene, Mr. TV hair overtakes five armed guards and then escapes. Yeah, so then TV hair guy and his girlfriend are running away when the drug lord appears and tries to shoot the girl, but TV hair guy has perfect timing and jumps in the way of the bullet, thus dying. Oy vey. The last scene of the film shows the woman at home when a package arrives, oh boy, it's a copy of the tape with a letter attached, "in case I didn't make it".
Uuuuuh. There were so many ways that TV hair could have avoided death, or anything dangerous for that matter. I guess giving in to the bad guy's demands is a big no no in an action film, even if he could have still been defeated, WITH A FREAKIN COPY OF THE TAPE, or better yet, TWENTY COPIES!!!!@#()$@#%
"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
The next fabulous movie was "Styx" starring Peter Wellers of Robocop fame. Well, I checked out the info for this movie at IMDB and apparently (to my surprise) this was made in 2001. I just assumed it was a 90's film because, well, it looks like it, and all the police cars were 1992 ford Taurus’s. My mistake. I'm almost positive that this film was the first failed attempt at a remake of Ocean's 11, or maybe Ronin. Wait, Ronin was made before 2001 right? So, ah never mind.
And finally, the worst film I have ever seen in my life, hands down, was the third delightful picture of the afternoon; "Diamond Men". It has no plot, no action, no point, no nothing...
Here’s the plot summary from IMDB:
"After 30 years on the road a veteran jewelry salesman is forced to show his young replacement the tricks of the trade. But when the kid introduces him to the ladies of the "Altoona Riding Club," the old dog is introduced to a whole new set of tricks."
Sounds fun. And apparently some people think it is. It has a 7.1 rating. I can't breathe.
And now, I just noticed that this was also made in 2000. Unbelievable. Maybe it's just the thick layer of grease coating the film that confuses me. I just don't know anymore.
SO, The only thing this movie does have, but probably shouldn't have, is Donnie Wahlberg. That's right, he was The Funky Bunch. I like Donnie, he’s got more attitude than Marky Mark and that’s important. In fact, he has more attitude than Vin Desil, he's more versitile than Desil AND his last name is Wahlberg, brother of Mark, B-list celebrity.
Dear Hollywood,
Donnie Wahlberg: xXx 3: Hail to the Chief. Get it done. Also starring Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Walken and Randy Quaid. Do it.
I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, but Donnie’s starring role in this movie is about as notable as Vanilla Ice in Ninja Turtles II. There, I said it. But I guess this movie had no affect on Donnie’s success, because he will be appearing in the sequel to another one of my “favorite” movies; “Saw 2”. Hip Hip Hooray.
Now I'm just rambling, too busy thinking about how freakin Diamond Men has a 7.1 rating.
Have a nice day.
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