Tool Movie Criticism 101

Ever wanted to know the real secret of becoming a rich and famous movie critic? Well it's quite simple my boy...ya gotta sell out!
HA! HA!

And I can show you how to do it in five craptastic steps. It's so easy you can't possibly lose!

1. First of all, watching entire films is a waste of time and money, my professional tip *don't watch any movies. Nobody cares if you've seen the movie, the general public just wants a yay of reassurance...because they're going see it anyway, so all you need to do is give that extra nudge toward the ATM and then toward the movie theater box office. Use the Siskel and Ebert method of ambiguity and keep the rating system at a vague minimum, a "something" out of 3. IE 2 out of 3 stars or 3 out of 3 stars....but NEVER less than two stars...you can't lose!

2. The content of the movie is irrevelent. All YOU need to know is:
A. what's the movie called?
B. who's in it?
C. who directed it?
D. is the poster nice to look at?
Based on these factors you must ask yourself the following questions...Is the title good? Does the film have more than 2 but less than 6 famous actors? Is the director a current hot-commodity? Is the one-sheet asthetically pleasing?

3. Next, take a quick gander at the trailer. Make sure it isn't too good or bad. What I mean is; does it look like they crammed all the good parts into it? This happens a lot and gives the false impression of a good film. Or; here's where it gets tricky; is there very little interesting content in the trailer...sometimes they're saving the good parts for the movie, sometimes there are no good parts. What you have to do in this case is FIND ANOTHER TRAILER. Professional tip* Compare trailers for content*

4. Now, with a basic working knowledge of the film's general content, you take one or more of the options from question 2: option A, B and or C and substitute it into one of the following sentences followed by your two or three star rating...

"Fun!"

"A+!"

"A thrill ride!"

"Outrageous!"

"Best _______ (type of movie) of the last ________ (decade/few years/year)!"

"Not since _______ (similar movie to compare to) have we seen such things in a movie!"

"______(name of director or actor) does it again!"

"One of this ________(time of season ie. summer's, fall's) best _______(genre of film ie. action, romance) films!"

"I just $#!% my pants!"

"Every other movie ever made bows down in holy reverence to __________ (title of film)!"

professional tip* always use an exclaimation point! ALWAYS!!!! It makes everything more exciting!!!!!

NEXT: Choose a rating: 2 or 3 out of three stars

Says __________ (insert name) of the _________ (large publication or website that you may or may not necessarily work for)

Or, if you work for Rolling Stone what you have to say about the film is simply irrelevant, just be sure to mention that it's Rolling Stone, and that it's a positive opinion of some sort. Nothing else matters.
For instance..."A must see says Rolling Stone!", "Rolling Stone says It's a motion picture!"

"You're all set. Make enough of these and studios will begin to take notice! Before you know it your name, along with your glowing review, will be pasted all over video releases. Now get out there and start whoring out this year's blockbusters!"
-Says Brett Warren of Time Magazine (3 out of 3 stars)