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4.30.2009

Bars...According to Sci-Fi

Take any given sci-fi film, or film about the future, and you're guaranteed to see the filmmaker's vision of what getting drunk in the future will be like. Perhaps it's a social atmosphere that's fairly easy to guesstimate concerning further developments, or a statement on the lack of developments in our quest for social highs. 2020, after all, will be filled with debauchery, and lasers, and Japanese advertising...and what better way to show it than placing our hero at a circular bar lit only by neon radiating from the countertops. Citizens of the future will enjoy exotic drinks that have smoke pouring out of them, and little crap at the bottom that you can choke on, like cashews. Since hedonism and depravity will be at its zenith I can assume that man has found a way of combining Jagermeister with opium or marijuana.
A prerequisite for employment at these establishments is that bartenders must be highly unappealing, shady types who shy away from social niceties such as hygiene and eye-contact. And who take your order only after passing judgment and grumbling obscenities under their breath. This leads to the natural conclusion that attractive young women find other more lucrative positions to help pay off their college loans. After prostitution becomes legal, I have to assume.
So, when I'm old I can plan on being huntched over my tall glass of Klingon ale, staring mindlessly into the flourescent countertop like an insect while getting eye cancer and a nice tan, wishing I hadn't married that replicant who keeps asking "what is...love?"
Which I guess is why men have flocked to local wells since the beginning of time. But now there is the added incentive of escaping the prowling eyes of the internet and infotainment sensory overload. Just a man and his volcanic drink, paid for with hard earned credits, mixed with loving care by the ex-con behind the counter.

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