Secrets of the Ninja Part 1: The Basics

CHAPTER ONE PART ONE: THE BASICS OF NINJITSU

Welcome, I am he who shall not be named, but if you must then you shall name me MASTER, in all capital letters. I was looking at the internet recently and discovered how much garbage there is regarding the sacred Ninja tradition, it makes me want to rip your throat out and sautee it with some poisonous mushrooms and then feed it back to you while you are still alive.
What I hope to accomplish here is to crush and make weak all those who defile the name of NINJITSU. Gaiden? Shinobi? Turtles?! HA! CHILD'S PLAY-THINGS! Avatar the Last Airbender!? I hate that little Buddhist freak. Speaking of childs, do they not realize that Karate lessons are futile since they are still too young and pre-pubescent to inflict a killing blow on a human adult? HA HA HA! Scum! In my village children must till the rice with bare hands and sharpen the MASTER's blade with their tongues until the day comes when they are truly prepared to learn the necessary skills.
This is the only lesson you need. Every other book you own, destroy with fire. Destroy your loved ones also, their affection and care (and calling your cell phone asking you to pick up the dry cleaning) will only hinder your path to true invisibility.

Q: What is ninjitsu?

A: If you have to ask this question then it is likely that I have already climbed down your chimney and poked you in the eye with a hot coal poker thing. NEXT QUESTION!

Q: Are you wielding a ball-peen hammer in that photograph? If so, why? Is it a traditional ninja weapon?

A: Are you a traditional ninja weapon!? Listen, yes, I am, and no, it's not...but who's going to notice the difference whether they were killed by a huge sword or a plastic lunch fork. Dead is dead, and the hammer was there, so I used it. Get over it. If I were where you are now I would smash your face in with your keyboard and then strangle you with the mouse chord. If it's a wireless mouse then I'll blind you with the infrared light on the bottom. NEXT QUESTION!

Q: If I become a ninja will I be allowed to use guns?

A: Sure, why not, and while you're at it why not just fly around in an airplane and drop bombs on people like the loser from Aero Fighters 2...
My life is lonely and difficult, wah! Wah! Instead of tracking my prey for thousands of miles and then engaging him in a three hour duel like a real ninja I just fly around and drop bombs from the safety of my airplane, waaaahh!
In case you missed it I was being sarcastic. NO, YOU CANNOT USE A GUN! If you want to go duck hunting like a redneck then THIS IS NOT THE PROFESSION FOR YOU! Real life is NOT like Walker the Texas Ranger. 99.9% of the time you will shoot your enemy in the face given the option...so we strip you of that option and force you to think of all the creative ways in which you can end a life. You are totally missing the point of ninjitsu if you think it's "lonely and difficult", probably because you're confusing the ARMY and AIR FORCE with BEING A NINJA ON THE GROUND KILLING PEOPLE AND GETTING HOT BABES. At least HALF of a ninja's skills are employed in the evasion of groupies...HALF!!! And if there is one thing I have learned it is that HOT BABES will always choose the man in black with the blood soaked katana. While you're busy reloading your musket, I've already disappeared in a puff of smoke with all the babes. If there is one thing to remember, NINJA = ROCK STAR x 10. We are NOT Monks, Samurai or Jedi Knights. After the training is complete there is no, I repeat NO, self control or sacrifice involved.

Q: Is there a dress code for being a ninja?

A: YES, THERE IS A DRESS CODE! And NO you cannot dress up in your World of Warcraft cosplay or pretend to be a Ninja Pirate or Ninja Cowboy or Ninja Indian. Also, Ryu and Ken are not ninjas, and neither is Goku, or Naruto, or the Power Rangers (except for Tommy, he was neat) so STOP ASKING! The rules are very clear, many of which are taken advantage of and stretched to obscene limits by so-called "Ninjas" (Gaiden, I'm talking to you. Stop riding the fence, you're either a Ninja or a Samurai. PICK ONE!)

Different Ninja colors:
Here is what you need to know about the various colors: each one is assigned to certain levels of skill, and while you are of that particular skill you must viciously attack the other kinds of ninjas (as well as repel ambushes that occur at the most inconvenient times). In other words, we are in constant battle against rival ninja factions. Every color but your own = EVIL. THE ENEMY.
The Ninja Turtles would lead you to believe that there are also purple, orange and blue ninjas, but that is just silly. Have I ever mentioned how crazy I am for turtle meat?

Level ONE and TWO: Black Ninja and American Ninja

Your basic level one black ninjas are the biggest pieces of scum on earth. They are the Tito Jacksons of the ninja world...blubbering, dime-a-dozen idiots who couldn't sneak into a starbucks for a latte. Notice how easily and submissively he is being beaten down by the American ninja, truly pathetic. Yes, I know, black ninjas are the most "iconic" of all ninjas, but that's only because they are SEEN the most. I kill literally HUNDREDS of black ninjas throughout the day without even realizing it, they're like flies on a windshield. Total scum.
Notable blacks include: the "ninjas" from Mortal Kombat, if they can even be called that...freaks.

Next on the food chain is the American Ninja. With greater financial backing and a nuclear arsenal to cover up any mistakes that may occur during ninja-ing, this ninja pulls slightly higher rank than the traditional black ninja. In other words, they're just as crappy as black ninjas and I could kick them in the face I hate them so much...and always with the moral angle on everything, "Waaah! I have to avenge this, waaaah! I need to right this wrong." Etc, etc. Seriously, do we ALWAYS need a legitimate reason to kill things? Idiots.
Notable stupid American Ninjas include: Chuck Norris, Bruce Wayne, Snakeyes, Cole, Joe.


Next are red ninjas, the commie bastards of ninjadom. These flamboyant killers take pride in being the most annoying they can possibly be. EVERYWHERE, all the time, it's red ninjas here, red ninjas there! They appear from nowhere no matter where you go. I'm at the grocery store and, look, hey, it's a red ninja in the produce isle. Of course you just kill them all and go about your day but it is very frustrating. The most you can do for some peace and quite is either; hire some Mexican ninjas to keep a lookout at your apartment, or set a trap using tacos. It is a well known fact that red ninjas are cuckoo for hardshell tacos. And the costumes...garbage! The only time they provide effective cover is if you're working in a cranberry bog or flying through a bloodstorm of your own creation. But that probably means you've already killed half the town's population already, so it's a little late by that point.
Very few of this type of ninja are found in popular culture, mostly because they suck. There's Strider Hiryu with his stupid spiky hair and then there's Elektra, except she's a woman...and women ninjas are laughable at best. HA HA HA! Well, Cho's Granny in Revenge of the Ninja held her own pretty well until Braden shoved a sword through the wall and, by result, through her spleen. HA! Only women and red ninjas hide in walls.
On a related note, wasn't it really great (for a black ninja) when Cho beats up the Village People on the children's playground. Yes, great scene. It would have been better if a few of the kiddies had by-accidents.

Thirdly we have the white ninja, the most holy and magnificent of ninja warriors, of which I happen to be. Like a pure, elegant snowflake we glide silently and then attack with the viciousness of a snow monkey. So precise is our methodology that we rarely have to remove stains from our death shrouds. Even the victims will likely not show any signs of trauma though their major organs be missing...most of the time they don't even know they were struck until the top of their skull slides off into their bowl of Cheerios.
Famous white ninjas: Me, Storm Shadow, Raiden, Master Splinter, Gandalf.

And finally we have the elusive nude ninjas who, even more-so than white, have fully transcended the need for physical concealment. Steven Seagal is rumoured to be one but it is hard to know who and where since White ninjas on the cusp of nudehood are rarely (if ever) heard from again.

That is all for today's lesson. Thanks for all the stupid questions. You were a pathetic student. You learn nothing...scum! Next week I will give some practical tips for stalking women as well as answer the question: do we have a license to kill? No, but when has that stopped us before.