Vegas Dream

This is the first and last in a series of artwork based on Nintendo game screenshots. #1 is from a game that probably no one played (except for the step-dads who picked this up instead of Mario Bros because they thought "all them Nintendos were the same", and in an attempt to keep his kid from hating him forever he sits down and plays it to prove how much fun it really is, only to end up drowning in a pool of vodka), and certainly never owned, called Vegas Dream where you control a dwarf-hobbit-manchild who wanders around casinos losing money at keno and video poker. Kind of like Pokemon but with cash instead of adorable mutants. Wait..nope, that's Casino Kid. This game doesn't even have walking, that's how bleak this is. Clearly it was a great way for a child to learn about the emptiness of overindulgence and placing false hope in an illusory dream. Even if you win there isn't anything to spend your money on. All you have is heaps of imaginary cash that you can burn for warmth when you're sleeping in the back alley of the Circus Circus. In real life little Timmy is out 25 bucks and doesn't even get the shrimp cocktail.
On the other hand the game does have an intriguing desperation to its graphics. The dealers stand emotionless like mannequins, uncaring and distant. There is no joy in this "Dream", which is used in the broadest context. Detachment is the only currency. Maybe this was part of the old NES' fascination with dark, psychedelic fantasies in the vein of Mario 2, Little Nemo and Tetris. Who knows.
And speaking of shattered dreams, that's all I found after searching for the real "Glitter Gulch".

Say It Better! With Michael McDonald...

Ever been in a situation where impact is key? Where standing out is vital? Where the competition is brutal and you need that extra something to push you over the top?
Well, my friend, dig this, if you dare...
The Michael McDonald daily vocal harmonizer software!

"I constantly have to reintroduce myself to people. Nothing I say ever seems to get through! If I don't find some new and helpful software based on a 70's rock legend I might just put my head in the oven and bake it! Will that get your attention then, Darlene!? WILL IT!?" Says Stewart Jeffies of Tallahassee, FL

Stewwww, don't tell yourself that it's over!
Using our proven technology the Michael McDonald harmonizer recognizes your natural speech pattern, reinterprets it SCIENTIFICALLY and accentuates your words with beautiful (patent pending) Michael McDonald harmonic stylings!
Imagine yourself hosting a big business meeting, or out to dinner with that girl of your dreams... what are you supposed to say in these situations? Thinking of stuff to talk about is hard work and even if you do carry on successful banter who's to say that your voice won't come across as pathetic and infertile? Odds are you'll be alone for the rest of your life. THAT'S WHERE MICHAEL McDONALD COMES IN! (Michael McDonald not included)
Before heading out of the house simply attach the included (BARELY NOTICEABLE) speakers to your suspenders, headband or belt. Then insert the appropriate disc; 12 of which are included in your purchase and all of which apply to specific situations. Finally, adjust the setting to your liking: "Doobie", "Solo" or "Steely".
Doobie is perfect for casual, social situations when you wanna cut foot loose but find yourself too emotionally crippled to have fun. Leave it to Michael McDonald. Say whatever, it don't matter, he'll chime in at the right time making whatever you mumbled in the corner seem wonderful!
Solo is perfect for individuals with grating or irritating voices. Turn it to "Solo" and you'll be takin' it to the streets with a smooth, soothing new voice...MICHAEL McDONALD'S!
And Steely, that setting for the guy or girl who only needs the occasional assistance. That "every once in a while" accentuation for your active lifestyle.

Sweet Freedom indeed! Order yours today and as a bonus offer we'll include a 40 oz bottle of silver-gray beard and mustache dye at no extra cost to you.

The Year We Make Contact

Is it just me or was 2001 a more futuristic year than this year has been? Is it possible to regress, become less futuristic? Granted it's only five days along but I've still yet to see a single shoe-hat or helmet, which have all but evaporated from the cultural style vocabulary. Listen, helmets are closest to our brains and so it was only natural for them to become the center of all in and outbound communications. Phones, music, bluetooth, vision correction, snack depository, snuff repository, heads up display, Darth Vader breathing assistance, etcetera, etcetera. Light, pithy headgear that gently accentuates daily living and ensures against head injuries. Anyway, point being, I assumed there would be a lot more crap in 2010, lots and lots of hideously designed crap. Crap on walls, crap in cars. Wires and tubes connected to everything everywhere. Need lunch? There's a tube for that. Superfluous design elements, useless facades and vast arrays of lights that serve no purpose other than to advertise for eye cancer treatments.
Instead all our products are becoming lighter, whiter and faster. Mr. "Joe Average" doesn't want to be bogged down by machines, he wants to pretend like he's living a snappy, spontaneous, on-the-go, purposeful lifestyle...and so he compacts all of those machines into a convenient, hand held device that he can stare at throughout the day, that he can stare at while his kids grow up Cat's in the Cradle style. Checking scores and watching mascot bloopers during his wedding. And as he lay on his deathbed, for the first time looking up from his smartphone, and notices that there's no one by his side, it won't matter because they already posted their sympathy on his facebook page.
Jeff says: "Dewder, sry 2 here u got teh cancer."
Lisa says: "omg thats sooooo sad!"
Steve doesn't like this (thumbs down) luckily this was added as a feature after the great "we're starting to get a lot of dead members" debate of 2025.
Illusion, or disillusion, whichever is the most disconnected and over-saturated and tweaked out; there is your future.
Wanna get divorced online? Got thirty seconds?

Fashion predictions and exasperating pessimism aside I now turn my attention to other pressing matters: AS SEEN ON T.V. products
or
"THE Tormented Lives of the Brand X'ers"

Stephanie is a stay at home mom. Every waking hour of Stephanie's black and white existence has been a living hell. In the morning she wakes up to a shrieking, piercingly loud (and four hours behind) alarm clock that she has trouble reading because of the poor quality LCD. And since her reading glasses aren't conveniently clipped to her lapel they might as well be at the bottom of a well. She blind...blind as hell. Rushing to get to work before lunch her faulty bathmat then slips from under her feet, causing her to lose balance and reach for the shower buddy that isn't there. With nothing to grasp onto she falls and cracks her head on one of her sons' toys that should have been picked up by a roomba. Blood that could have easily been mopped up with a shamWOW pours from every orifice! You get the picture.
And now it is five o'clock. Father struggles with ordinary keys, mother struggles with ordinary doorhandles and it's not until seven thirty that dinner finally makes its way to the table, barely. But not after little Timmy has soiled his traditional potty training shorts several times and mother has struggled to clean up the mess with traditional toilet paper dispensers.
A burnt, incoherent mess of a dinner is clumsily flopped on the dinner table while father tries desperately to slice a tomato with ordinary household cutlery. It's a disaster. A sordid affair. Amazingly this was one of the Stevensons' good days.
Each night as the family shivers under traditional blankets they think of the Joneses next door, grossly swimming in unmanageable debt but living a life of effortless, whimsical, ease and bliss thanks to all of the television based products that have now replaced the items that so torment the Stevensons. It's good to live in color!
THE END.