Top 31 MST3K Villains: 31-26

Ineffectual; the one word that best describes the kind of villainy portrayed in the films of Mystery Science Theater. Characters who were born with a fanatical propensity for being (or at least trying to be) evil. Except there's one problem, they suck at it. In your average film these guys would be hard pressed to make it as a mere crony. If conflict is drama then these protagonist's miscalculations, buffoonery and poorly executed designs are obstacles akin to a rainy day, or a flat tire. But what places these nuisances in the pantheon of low-grade movie antagonist history are precisely those things; if Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch take the main route to achieving their fiendish plan, our villains leave behind a map and a trail of crumbs for the hero to follow...then stop every thirty seconds for a hearty, sinister laugh, or to awkwardly fondle or snicker snag someone to death.
And now, a list of what I think are the thirty greatest villains of MST3K...

#31 Giant Beau Bridges and Posse VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (523)
In this bizarre, Disney-esque romp, teenage Beau Bridges and crew steal a growth elixir from Ron Howard and his brother played by Tommy Kirk. With their newly discovered authority the first thing our misunderstood youths decide to do is terrorize the neighborhood with a long, slow motion dance scene. In this dazzling five minute sequence (choreographed by Toni Basil) the giant teens seek their revenge on player haters by forcing the crowd below to witness their awful, ultra-white display of what passed for dancing in the 60's. After said slow-motion orgy, Beau and Company retreat to the local theater which they have now designated their headquarters, where they sit, eating tiny buckets of chicken while Beau Bridges delivers his snide-iest, most condescending performance ever.

#30 Imp THE UNDEAD (806)
I think Crow put it best: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"
There's not much to be said, this strange little imp man only appears briefly in the film, playing second fiddle, of course, to Satan himself (who appears later in this list) but never-the-less manages to leave his hideous, lollipop guild features ingrained on my retinas.




#29 Turtle Aliens LASERBLAST (706)
Their goal: recover the stolen laser. Their target: the blast-happy hippie and his shaggin' waggin'...
If only it were that easy. For the duration of the film we occasionally check back on the progress of the two aliens and see that their mission has quickly gone awry, rendering them totally irrelevant to the plot. After taking numerous wrong turns, bickering amongst themselves and dealing with faulty equipment, they finally re-appear out of nowhere in the last scene, killing the main character, and thus restoring order to whatever it was that was supposed to be happening...or something.


#28 Carlo Lombardi THE SHE CREATURE (808)

SLEEEEEP! Yes, it's Carlo Lombardi; master hypnotist and professional Slim Whitman impersonator. Mr. Lombardi's evil deeds are greasy, controlling, manipulative and (in general) quite vague. As the main antagonist in She Creature he (like Hitler, sort of) makes the mistake of fighting a two front war. On one hand he must elude law enforcement as they investigate his killer, pet ghost-lobster (aka "The She Creature") that he has unleashed on seemingly random individuals, for seemingly no purpose other than to say that he predicted it... or something. On the other front Lombardi must battle the professionally dull Dr. Lance Fuller as he attempts to rescue Lombardi's female assistant from his hypnotic stranglehold. "Love me! Love me and SLEEEP!"
 
#27 Paul THE PROJECTED MAN (901)
Beware the heinous treachery of...Paul! Respectable scientist turned two-face killer. He seeks revenge on certain investors who pulled the funding from his latest project, which was to build a laser that could transport physical objects to other locations, like Wonka's Chocolavision. Using his hideously scarred right hand Paul sets fire to the homes of young women, and blue collar cockney types who have nothing to do with the plot. It seems as though the accident has damaged the side of his brain that remembers who exactly he was supposed to be taking vengence upon.

#26 The Assassin DANGER! DEATH RAY (620)
Abe Lincoln: Assassin.
For some vague reason this hit man is sent to eliminate our main character, the secret agent. He appears in only a handful of scenes but the amazing level of incompetence he displays as a killer made it impossible to not include him here. With great ease Bart (the secret agent) foils each and every one of his poorly planned attempts, until finally, in one memorable scene, the assassin shows up at his hotel room disguised as room service. After his ruse is uncovered and him foiled, he leaps to tackle the hero who (standing in front of a balcony window) simply sidesteps as Mr. Lincoln plummets to his death below.