Archive

4.30.2009

Bars...According to Sci-Fi

Take any given sci-fi film, or film about the future, and you're guaranteed to see the filmmaker's vision of what getting drunk in the future will be like. Perhaps it's a social atmosphere that's fairly easy to guesstimate concerning further developments, or a statement on the lack of developments in our quest for social highs. 2020, after all, will be filled with debauchery, and lasers, and Japanese advertising...and what better way to show it than placing our hero at a circular bar lit only by neon radiating from the countertops. Citizens of the future will enjoy exotic drinks that have smoke pouring out of them, and little crap at the bottom that you can choke on, like cashews. Since hedonism and depravity will be at its zenith I can assume that man has found a way of combining Jagermeister with opium or marijuana.
A prerequisite for employment at these establishments is that bartenders must be highly unappealing, shady types who shy away from social niceties such as hygiene and eye-contact. And who take your order only after passing judgment and grumbling obscenities under their breath. This leads to the natural conclusion that attractive young women find other more lucrative positions to help pay off their college loans. After prostitution becomes legal, I have to assume.
So, when I'm old I can plan on being huntched over my tall glass of Klingon ale, staring mindlessly into the flourescent countertop like an insect while getting eye cancer and a nice tan, wishing I hadn't married that replicant who keeps asking "what is...love?"
Which I guess is why men have flocked to local wells since the beginning of time. But now there is the added incentive of escaping the prowling eyes of the internet and infotainment sensory overload. Just a man and his volcanic drink, paid for with hard earned credits, mixed with loving care by the ex-con behind the counter.

4.27.2009

All-Star Musical Tributes Usually Aren't Good

Americans love people that are better than they are: Superheroes, Royalty, British royalty, French royalty, the French, Eskimos, Pirates, and especially Celebrities. Since we're supposed to be the most awesome country ever we naturally idolize those among us who happen to be more beautiful, successful, talented and wealthy. We also love cramming as many stars as we can into confined spaces like awards shows, charity events, all-star games and golf tournaments. There's an irresistible allure to the prospect of glimpsing into their natural habitats and discovering how they truly are when they "act casual". Which is why we also love tabloids; nothing brings out a person's true colors as effectively as when they are forced to constantly flee the prying eyes of paparazzi.
The ego is the imagined "aura" of someone's persona, it's what makes them larger than life. It's what helped them rise above the competition. But we always take it too far, get greedy and want to see the best of the best compete, to see who the bestest of the bestestser really is. Except it doesn't work that way. Ego naturally battles itself for control and leadership and nothing illustrates this problem more than the predictable train-wrecks that occur when rock-stars pack the stage for an all-star musical tribute.
Movies with a copious amount of stars are generally self-serving and low on substance, but at least they aren't trying to feign sympathy or rally support for: a country in Africa, a war in the mid-east, Tibet, or a recently deceased legend. Films and sports, no matter how clustered they are. still come nowhere close to the awkward ham-fistery of when a handful of washed up, billboard top-40 musicians are contractually obligated to appear on stage so that they can utterly defile a previously liked song from the 60's or 70's.
The lights dim, the host politely introduces the act and rushes off stage to the wet bar. The string arrangement swells and a song of ambiguous social meaning starts in. The cameraman begins to sweat and his instrument malfunctions as it is unable to compute the massive input of relevance radiating from the stage. "Where do I focus!?" It pleads as it pans and zooms erratically from one self-important pop-singer to the other. Nervously, the next in line, most likely Sheryl Crow (permanent fixture of tribute concerts/most generic recording artist in history behind Michael McDonald) nervously fidgets with his or her microphone as they prepares to take over the next verse of whatever Beatles song they're pillaging, and dazzle the world with their inspired rendition.
"It is I who will save this next part from the garbage heap, bow before me Bono! This is why you all love meeeee"
Hey! Look! It's the guy from Maroon 5, surely he can revive the dance portion of this song. The running man? No. It's the cabbage patch! Clutch.
If youth can't prevail then perhaps a crusty, aging, rock & roll front man will be able to squeeze some juice out of this lemon.
...and then there's Norah "deer in the headlights" Jones looking terrified as usual, wondering how she keeps getting conned into being a pop star. Wait, how did Brian Wilson get on stage? Where's his wrangler?
The pageant of mediocrity continues to the bitter end as Scott Weiland basks in the spotlight trying out his new David Bowie impersonation.
And just as all hope seems to be lost, and no amount of singular talent could seem to reconcile the matter, a leprechaunish figure descends from the rafters. Could it be?
Phil Collins! He can make this worth while, for sure. If not, there's always Ringo Starr on speed dial.

4.26.2009

Today's Music Q&A

Q: for: Michael Jackson,

What does "Shah-Mogh" mean?


A: "Well I'm glad you ask, Brett. It's a word I made up one day while I was climbing the dreaming tree. It has many different meanings. It comes from the soul and expresses the power and history and suppression of my people. Sometimes it means "SOME MORE! WOO!" as in, I need some more loving. Or "I need more bass in the left monitor." Other times it could mean "Coome OooN!" I use it that way when I'm wearing leather pants and I'm like, "beat it, the chid is not my son. Shah-Mogh!" or when I see the things that we do to the environment, it's like, "Ca'Mooohn! Mmph!"
It's also a word of liberation and freedom. Freedom from the system and recording contracts, like when Free Willy tries to escape Sea World by jumping over that kid so he can be with his own kind in the sea. Or freedom from persistent women like Diana and Billie Jean, or other various pretty young things who won't stop trying to make me their baby daddy.
Another important aspect of the word is its power to keep Paul McCartney out of my recording studio. "Paul, stay the hell out of my recording studio. Your music sucks. SHAH-MOGH!" Then I point a sparkly-gloved finger sending my magical, moonwalker vibes in his direction.
I can't even begin to tell you the countless volumes he would stuff in my mailbox, endless proposals for new duets between us. But there you have it, anyway, the story behind sha-mogh. I hope it brings a little magic into your own life and vocabulary. Eeeeh-Heee!"

Q: for: James Taylor,

Why do you randomly show up at the end of Steve Winwood's "Back in the High Life"?

A: "I don't know. But I made more money singing those five words than you will in your entire life. Peace out, holmes."

4.21.2009

Open Invitation to the Aliens

This is a question on all our minds, it is the 21st century after all...hey, where the aliens at? Are we not good enough for invasion and subsequent harvest? Are we not fat enough to be used as living batteries? What's the deal? My self-esteem is starting to wane. Sure, we may not have anything cool to trade with you but we would make pretty good slaves, and we'll throw in Bjork as added bonus Eh? How 'bout it?
What's that? You have robots for that? It's unethical? You don't want Bjork back? Fine.
You don't have to be so timid, I saw you creeping around that Mexican kid's birthday party in Signs, you looked lonely. I mean there are plenty of weird people who would gladly volunteer to be subjected (or be sacrificed) to your probes.
Oh, I get it. Your civilization just-so-happened to develop interplanetary travel as its first major achievement in the same way that we discovered fire. Right. You don't have any communications devices or gear to survive in our atmosphere. You're just little-naked-green-men who gallivant around the Milky Way in your tin saucers like sightseeing jackasses. Well this tourist attraction ain't free, get it? We want more fossil fuels and we know you have it.
Hmm, perhaps we have it all wrong. Perhaps it's our mission as planet earth to find the nearest inhabitable planet that's still in the Bronze age and crush them, mercilessly, thus fulfilling the galaxy's need for someone, somewhere, to be invaded. The Martian cousin of Francisco Pizarro will be on his way to conquer their equivalent of the Incas when we show up, and his mind will be thoroughly blown.
The great futurist George Lucas might have foreseen correctly in his depiction of very-white imperialists enslaving alien cultures, we have had a lot of practice at it. It seems it is you then that should be cowering in fear.

I give up. Stop calling my house and I won't have to go through with that restraining order.

4.20.2009

The Current State of Chairs

As we all know, chairs have been around since the dawn of time. Abraham used them to lead the children of Israel to the promised land of Canaan, Mark Twain made them famous by dying in one, and were most likely enjoyed by Caesar as he whipped the backs of slaves. They're just a natural by-product of human relaxation; man finds wood, man makes chair, chair bore Ug! Ug want arm rest and gentle forward to back movement!
And he saw that it was good...because it's truly elemental. It soothes the inner infant. It keeps the blood flowing and promotes a healthy bowel movement.
Which brings me to the point, which is, why has chair technology development been so stagnant the last 500 years? Was the "rocking" design truly so flawless in approach that man needn't consider further possibilities? Even so, where were the charlatans with their proposed upgrades over the years?

"I think it's Because people use recliners and magic-fingers now if they require prolonged comfort."

Shut up, is what I think...

Here's what I've got in mind, (aside from my conspiracy theories about the Amish) as I peer into the near future and my own imagination I see various feasible options for the next step in the chairs' evolutionary process.
Phase One: the Chair
Phase Two: the Rocking Chair
And, get this, Phase Three will be the "Magnet Chair". Magnets, that is the correct answer.
People will simply consume more zinc and iron in their NASA regulated diets, and a specially arranged array of super-magnets will repulse the person just enough that they relax comfortably suspended in mid air. Of course this will cause massive internal tissue damage and such, but whatever.

4.12.2009

Sophistopop: The Forgotten Learning Tool

I have no children and thus am not concerned with the education of children, nevertheless I have recently begun to wonder about the disappearance of old but valuable educational tools from my own past, specifically late 80's and 90's "Sophistopop". Smooth jazz with pop sensibilities. An uplifting melding of nonchalant vocals, synth string and horn sections, piano and gated drums.
Kids music has always relied on the general formula of obnoxious repetition and "singing the round" where weird puppets toss parts of a song back and forth, scaring children into remembering important facts.
Weird puppet creature: "Alright kids, whatcha-gonna do when you see a power socket!?"
Children: "Cover it up with duct tape and dial nine-one-one!"
All: "YAY!"
And then a magical dance ensues.

Maybe it's a more "social", group oriented form of reception, but extensive government based research (and A Clockwork Orange) has demonstrated that lulling the subject into a comforting state and bombarding them with a series of images is very effective. And this is where the power of sophistopop comes into play.

In the early 90's it was very fashionable and common for Sesame Street and other similar shows to have segments where artsy fartsy animated "music videos" were accompanied by songs like the classic "Breakout" by Swingout Sister, "I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz, "Walking on Broken Glass", "The Captain of Her Heart", "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" or later material from Siouxsie & The Banshees. In other words, "mall-walking music" (where the best of educations used to occur). All of which begin with the womb-like comfort and brain melting smoothness of minor chord synthesizer intros. And then, after the child has been reeled in by the happy-go-lucky tempo it crescendos up and, BAM!, the message kicks in. The sweet, uplifting message of introspective wisdom.
So, there you have it. Bring this back and thank me later. The world will be filled with lots of socially unajusted children who like to sit and gaze out the window while wondering what the meaning of it all is.

4.05.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 5-1

#5 J.K. Robertson TIME CHASERS (821)
"Hi, I'm Bob Evil!"
My personal favorite of all the MST baddies, George Woodard delivers an excellently evil performance as the CEO of Gencorp, big business hell bent on turning Nick Miller's time traveling Cessna into a weapon of corporate greed. "What did you think we were gonna do!? Take kids on history trips!?"
J.K. reigns over his evil empire from his offices at the local branch library where appointments are met with a ghastly circus mirror hanging above the entrance. And like any powerful man he has his own personal crony and right hand man to herald his will; Matthew Paul, a.k.a "Pink Boy"; Whom J.K. shoots with an Uzi after he refuses to kill prisoners. "Hey Matt, you're fired!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Never a man of subtlety, evil seems to seep from his pores in a manner paralleled only by the #2 choice on this list.

#4 Fat Man/NoviCorp Chairman OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (822)

"FINGAL! YOU ARE MINE!...with Bearnaise sauce!"
It's "Winston Churchill's mobbed up brother Vito". The Fat Man, Chairman of NoviCorp, his zealous protection of company interests is rivaled only by his monstrous appetite. In this classic, lower budget, PBS predecessor to Johnny Mnemonic starring Raul Julia, the Fat Man attempts to derail Fingal's efforts to hack the NoviCorp system by sitting around and screaming a lot. He screams at Appallonia, he screams at Fingal, and in between he has a pork roast or three.
"TO WENDY'S!"

#3 Phantom of Krankor PRINCE OF SPACE (816)
"Hagh! Hagh! Hagh! Ye SCUM!" The Phantom of Krankor isn't really unique at all, I mean there were hundreds of badly costumed "space men" invading earth in the 50's but the Phantom simply out does them all in terms of sheer buffoonery. If you've seen it then I don't have to elaborate but he fails at evil in every conceivable way because he simply has no collective memory. He cannot ever seem to remember that "the Prince of Space cannot be harmed by enemy weapons!" Geez. At least he's persistent.


#2 Kalgon SPACE MUTINY (820)
Kalgon is one of those rare villains who surpasses even the snidely whiplashes of melodrama. His neuroses trump the common motives of movie-villaindom and he exists on his own bizarre plane of bad wiring caused by space scurvy or something.
On the other hand, though, he loves to laugh! In fact everything related to his treacherous plot he finds incredibly hilarious. Don't get him and his paintball henchman started, they'll go on for hours about much of a riot it is to be stuck drifting in space for eternity.


#1 Torgo 'MANOS' THE HANDS OF FATE (424)
Ah, Torgo! What's there to say that hasn't already been said, or written. A no-brainer for the number one spot Torgo is the lovable, awkwardly unstable, peeping tom inn-keeper that makes "Manos" one of the great bad movies of all time.
Viva la Torgo!








HONORABLE MENTIONS...
The Prince Look-a-like in "Agent for HARM"














Jack Palance and his fantastic mushroom hat in "Outlaw of Gor"














Donald Pleasence in "Warrior from the Lost World" and "Puma Man"












The Eye Creatures from film of same name. "YAWN!"














IT from "It Conquered the World".













The Teenager from Outer Space who really wants to..."TORTURE!".
Robert Denby, the world's most elusive man (Riding With Death)
and of course, David Warner, who plays both villain and mentor in the classic fantasy romp Quest of the Delta Knights.
And there you have it. Thanks for reading!

4.04.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 10-6

#10 Yuri WEREWOLF (904)
"Hey everyone, free samples of me!"
By far the greasiest of all b-movie villains Yuri smarms all those who oppose his diabolical plan to unleash new hair styles on each unsuspecting scene. Gray hair, spiky hair, "Brian Ferry hair", slicked back...literally nothing is off limits.







#9 The Master 'MANOS' THE HANDS OF FATE (424)
The great high priest and vessel for the will of "Manos". Greatly disturbed. His disapproval knows no bounds, he is The Master.
This lovable Frank Zappa impersonator is unique in the annals of b-moviedom in that he never really has any encounters with the protagonists. Mostly he relies on the ceremonial power of the underworld, and the help of his vastly incompetent caretaker Torgo to usher in the heinous dystopia of the god "Manos". In his "Valley Looge" compound he tricks white, middle class vacationers into becoming part of his cult worship circle which apparently consists of Mary Kay consultants and greasy alcoholics.

#8 Ortega THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES... (812)
The famous Ortega! The prototype for carnies everywhere. Mr. Ortega doesn't possess the usual signs or ambitions of being an "evil" person, however, he makes this list in great part because he's the totally callous sort. No longer deriving any sadistic pleasure, or displaying any kind of possible inner conflict, Ortega simply perpetrates evil deeds because he's bored. Meh, he says, the Gypsy woman is always yelling for the acid while my stories are on! Grumble, grumble.

#7 Satoris THE FINAL SACRIFICE (910)
One sure sign of a person's morality is their voice. Annunciation, depth, and slowness all let the viewer know that they can safely root against the person. Anyone who speaks from the base of their throat is guaranteed to be under the influence of satan. And so be Satoris, the f-list Darth Vader. This guy has big things in store for Canada. First, after killing a dweebie teenage boy and a hockey-haired alcoholic, he plans on taking over the country and installing a white supremacist dictatorship enforced by a handful of his masked wrestler buddies.

#6 Jonathan Cooper MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1003)
"My reviews have destroyed entire cities!"
Jonathan Cooper is one of your more down-to-earth antagonists in that his only goal is to belittle his barren-wombed wife and write scathing reviews of local shops. One in particular happens to be owned by Merlin and his oafish wife. After threatening to destroy his business' credibility Merlin gives him a book of magic spells which subsequently cause him to; age rapidly, scorch a cat, have a brief encounter with the devil, and then finally age backwards until he is just an infant being raised by his wife.
"MERLIN I LOVE YOOOOUUU!"