I'm sure you're all greedy and lazy like me. You want a free IPod and you want it now! You don't want to 'complete an offer' and then have to try desperately to get your even lazier friends to be generous enough to complete an offer themselves JUST so you can complete your own offer! Ugh. You also don't want to spend over 100 dollars on the little piece of crap either.
So how do you get one!? Well unless you're rich or want to spend 75 cents on e-bay to have some kid tell you the secret of getting a free one even though he has the link to secret's reveal right in his selling page. You're outta luck, but I do have some rather trendy new alternatives!
1) You've got windows media player,right? Check! You've got songs on your windows media player, check. Computer, check. Headphones, check. Large back pack, right on! ...Here's what you do...
First, trash the monitor, trash the mouse, trash the keyboard, all useless. Then, take the large backpack and insert your computer. After that, take your headphones and plug them into the jack in the back of the CPU. Now put the backpack on, put the headphones on...
Oh crap, you forgot to press play on Media Player. Hook back up your CPU and get that going, now do everything I just said over again...
Once you figure out a mobile power source, you're all set! It's heavy, but it does the freakin trick and you have a heck of a lot more drive space than a pitiful Ipod.
The next solution requires your imagination. The radio. It plays songs endlessly and the battery life is outstanding. But you say, I hate commercials! Well, there's always public radio. But I hate pledge drives, they make me angry and guilty at the same time! Well there's always the old folk Muzak station.
10.20.2004
Congratulations Red Sox!
Amazing, is all I can say. After losing game three I was surprised at how optimistic FOX Announcer Tony Gwynn was in his post game analysis. All but the most die hard of Sox fans had accepted the inevitable and said their goodbyes. I remember Tony saying that it wasn't over yet and that this team has what it takes to make it. You really do have to credit this Sox team for being able to stay focused through four games to make this comeback.
And the icing on the cake...The Yankees lost. Hooray, the evil empire is destroyed, yub nub! The third death star has been destroyed and the ewoks rejoice! Hey, I wouldn't rub it in, but the yanks fans brought it upon themselves with the "who's your daddy?" chant. They're just jealous of Pedro's midget.
The Yankee's grand 'melt down' also helps to downplay the Cubs meltdown from last season, we had Bartman as an excuse, what do the Yanks have? Tom Gordon?
I'm not a Red Sox fan but as a Cubs fan I feel as though the two team's histories of losing almost tie them together. Deep inside we Cub fans are given a glimmer of hope for next season, if they can do it, just maybe...
And the icing on the cake...The Yankees lost. Hooray, the evil empire is destroyed, yub nub! The third death star has been destroyed and the ewoks rejoice! Hey, I wouldn't rub it in, but the yanks fans brought it upon themselves with the "who's your daddy?" chant. They're just jealous of Pedro's midget.
The Yankee's grand 'melt down' also helps to downplay the Cubs meltdown from last season, we had Bartman as an excuse, what do the Yanks have? Tom Gordon?
I'm not a Red Sox fan but as a Cubs fan I feel as though the two team's histories of losing almost tie them together. Deep inside we Cub fans are given a glimmer of hope for next season, if they can do it, just maybe...
10.19.2004
The Epic Half Pound Meat and Potato Burrito
I just experienced Taco Bell's HALF POUND MEAT AND POTATO BURRITO and let me tell you, it's not good, but it will fill your stomach. It's a condensed thanksgiving dinner. This is the answer the United Nations has been looking for in its quest to to solve hunger in Africa.
Taco Bell is becoming a slightly trendier version of the soup kitchen, in fact it's only a short matter of time before they open their doors to the world, declare themselves the messiah and serve up a neverending supply of classic ingredients. After siezing world power and gaining the monopoly on public dining (ala Demolition Man) they will usher in an age of fast food welfare in which drunken college men flourish and multiply...
In the meantime I can just go to Wal-Mart and look under the vending machines for loose change.
The only way that taco bell could be any greater is if they brought back dr. pepper and would either speed up their always slow service or put another location IN MY MOUTH.
screw the burritos as big as your head, YO QUIERO dollar menu!
Taco Bell is becoming a slightly trendier version of the soup kitchen, in fact it's only a short matter of time before they open their doors to the world, declare themselves the messiah and serve up a neverending supply of classic ingredients. After siezing world power and gaining the monopoly on public dining (ala Demolition Man) they will usher in an age of fast food welfare in which drunken college men flourish and multiply...
In the meantime I can just go to Wal-Mart and look under the vending machines for loose change.
The only way that taco bell could be any greater is if they brought back dr. pepper and would either speed up their always slow service or put another location IN MY MOUTH.
screw the burritos as big as your head, YO QUIERO dollar menu!
10.14.2004
Old Folk and the Slow Driving Syndrome
I've recently been pondering the phenomenon known as "Why do old people drive so freaking slow?". Why do they do this? Do they realize what they're doing? It captivated my imagination so much that I decided to dedicate three hours of my life investigating this.
Like any good scientist, I made my hypothesis...I came up with 4 possible conclusions to the elusive question.
The first possible answer is that the lack of bone density that occurs with old age causes the ankle bones to become crisp and brittle, thus making it too difficult to apply the required amount of pressure on the gas peddle.
My next idea was...maybe retirees are so bored that they get great entertainment from the scenery. They simply "stop and smell the roses" while they're driving. Maybe they drive slow, because they have the time, because they can.
The third answer...It could be a generational thing. In their day, everybody drove land yachts in a cumbersome fashion. Maybe in the year 2050, the speed limit of 80 mph will seem outrageous to us. It could be the same thing for seniors now.
The last possible answer... Brain deterioration.
During my four hour investigation I drove around observing old people, I got 99 cent crispy chicken nuggets, I went to the rich catholic park. Then I tried desperately to find a single common characteristic between all the elderly. Besides the fact that they all drive Buick Century's I noticed that old men drive significantly slower than old women. I don't know why that is and I don't care. I learned nothing.
A couple days later I was driving home from Will's house, it was about two in the morning and I was far more tired than I commonly am. I noticed that everything seemed as if it was moving fast, then I looked down and noticed I was only going 45 mph, eeh gads! But it seemed soooo fast! I couldn't go any faster! too. much. speed. Then it hit me, the answer is fatigue! One of the common symptoms of old age is constant fatigue! "oooh I have to take a nap" "ooooh I just woke up, but I'm soooo tired" "all I did was go to the fridge, soooo tired!" "I did soooo much today, I got the mail, ate lunch and napped, I'm soooo tired!".
So there is your answer, senior citizens are simply too tired to drive fast.
What's the solution you ask!? You're sick risking my life trying to pass them all the time?
The answer is also simple. They need to STOP WAKING UP SO EARLY!!! STOP IT!
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man slowly, slowly drive" ~Benjamin Franklin
Like any good scientist, I made my hypothesis...I came up with 4 possible conclusions to the elusive question.
The first possible answer is that the lack of bone density that occurs with old age causes the ankle bones to become crisp and brittle, thus making it too difficult to apply the required amount of pressure on the gas peddle.
My next idea was...maybe retirees are so bored that they get great entertainment from the scenery. They simply "stop and smell the roses" while they're driving. Maybe they drive slow, because they have the time, because they can.
The third answer...It could be a generational thing. In their day, everybody drove land yachts in a cumbersome fashion. Maybe in the year 2050, the speed limit of 80 mph will seem outrageous to us. It could be the same thing for seniors now.
The last possible answer... Brain deterioration.
During my four hour investigation I drove around observing old people, I got 99 cent crispy chicken nuggets, I went to the rich catholic park. Then I tried desperately to find a single common characteristic between all the elderly. Besides the fact that they all drive Buick Century's I noticed that old men drive significantly slower than old women. I don't know why that is and I don't care. I learned nothing.
A couple days later I was driving home from Will's house, it was about two in the morning and I was far more tired than I commonly am. I noticed that everything seemed as if it was moving fast, then I looked down and noticed I was only going 45 mph, eeh gads! But it seemed soooo fast! I couldn't go any faster! too. much. speed. Then it hit me, the answer is fatigue! One of the common symptoms of old age is constant fatigue! "oooh I have to take a nap" "ooooh I just woke up, but I'm soooo tired" "all I did was go to the fridge, soooo tired!" "I did soooo much today, I got the mail, ate lunch and napped, I'm soooo tired!".
So there is your answer, senior citizens are simply too tired to drive fast.
What's the solution you ask!? You're sick risking my life trying to pass them all the time?
The answer is also simple. They need to STOP WAKING UP SO EARLY!!! STOP IT!
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man slowly, slowly drive" ~Benjamin Franklin
10.12.2004
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns
'The epic second installment of the Winning Seasons trilogy!'...
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns - rated PG-13
After becoming the scapegoat for ruining the Cubs chances in the 2003 playoffs, Steve Bartman returns after a year in hiding to seek his revenge on the Chicago Cubs. Sabotaging each of the players personal lives, he seeks to ruin their chances once again, but this time, it’s their own fault MWAHAHAH!!!
CAST
Ron Santo ------------------------ Al Pacino …“Patrick! Getting into the playoffs is gonna be toouuugh!”
Pat Hughes -----------------------Christopher Lee
Chip Caray -----------------------Bill Hemmer
Steve Stone ---------------------- Ricky Gervais
Steve Bartman ------------------ Hugo Weaving …”Inevitability, Mr. Alou!”
Harry Caray’s Ghost -----------Will Ferrell
The Curse Goat ----------------- Jack Black
Dusty Baker --------------------- Reginald VelJohnson
Pre-Steroids Sammy Sosa -----Dave Chappelle
Kerry Wood --------------------- Leonardo DiCaprio
Greg Maddux ------------------- Owen Wilson
Derek Lee ------------------------ Shaquille O’Neil …”Kyle, I thought I told, the fake to third pickoff move, hasn’t worked since the Cubs won their last world series”.
Moises Alou --------------------- Samuel L. Jackson …”I do not believe that Bartman could have returned without us knowing it”…
Aramis Ramirez ---------------- Mark Rufalo…”Hmm! hod to see SteeBotman iz!”
Corey Patterson -----------------Cuba Gooding Jr ..."Snow dogs? Nobody said anything about snow dogs! Lead off man? Nobody said anything about batting lead-off!"
Mark Prior -----------------------Ben Stiller
Michael Barrett ----------------- Dave Coulier
Mark Grudzielanek -------------Keanu Reeves
Nomar Garciaparra -------------Jeff Goldblum
Paul Bako -------------------------David Fears
Carlos Zambrano ---------------Jon Rhys-Davies
Latroy Hawkins -----------------Orlando Jones
Kid who gives
Sammy the special taco ------- Christopher Walken …“Hook my friend, SAMMY, up with one a your SPECIAL?, tacos”
FILM SCORE by Randy Newman
Part III coming soon! There will be a scene like in Return of the King where all the Cubs players flolick gayly in Kerry Wood's room after he has recovered from throwing Steve Bartman from the Sears tower, thus destroying the curse and restoring order to Chicago.
And the best part is that the credits will have Sir Mix-a-lot doing a super cool early 90's rap song that explains everything that just happened in the movie!
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns - rated PG-13
After becoming the scapegoat for ruining the Cubs chances in the 2003 playoffs, Steve Bartman returns after a year in hiding to seek his revenge on the Chicago Cubs. Sabotaging each of the players personal lives, he seeks to ruin their chances once again, but this time, it’s their own fault MWAHAHAH!!!
CAST
Ron Santo ------------------------ Al Pacino …“Patrick! Getting into the playoffs is gonna be toouuugh!”
Pat Hughes -----------------------Christopher Lee
Chip Caray -----------------------Bill Hemmer
Steve Stone ---------------------- Ricky Gervais
Steve Bartman ------------------ Hugo Weaving …”Inevitability, Mr. Alou!”
Harry Caray’s Ghost -----------Will Ferrell
The Curse Goat ----------------- Jack Black
Dusty Baker --------------------- Reginald VelJohnson
Pre-Steroids Sammy Sosa -----Dave Chappelle
Kerry Wood --------------------- Leonardo DiCaprio
Greg Maddux ------------------- Owen Wilson
Derek Lee ------------------------ Shaquille O’Neil …”Kyle, I thought I told, the fake to third pickoff move, hasn’t worked since the Cubs won their last world series”.
Moises Alou --------------------- Samuel L. Jackson …”I do not believe that Bartman could have returned without us knowing it”…
Aramis Ramirez ---------------- Mark Rufalo…”Hmm! hod to see SteeBotman iz!”
Corey Patterson -----------------Cuba Gooding Jr ..."Snow dogs? Nobody said anything about snow dogs! Lead off man? Nobody said anything about batting lead-off!"
Mark Prior -----------------------Ben Stiller
Michael Barrett ----------------- Dave Coulier
Mark Grudzielanek -------------Keanu Reeves
Nomar Garciaparra -------------Jeff Goldblum
Paul Bako -------------------------David Fears
Carlos Zambrano ---------------Jon Rhys-Davies
Latroy Hawkins -----------------Orlando Jones
Kid who gives
Sammy the special taco ------- Christopher Walken …“Hook my friend, SAMMY, up with one a your SPECIAL?, tacos”
FILM SCORE by Randy Newman
Part III coming soon! There will be a scene like in Return of the King where all the Cubs players flolick gayly in Kerry Wood's room after he has recovered from throwing Steve Bartman from the Sears tower, thus destroying the curse and restoring order to Chicago.
And the best part is that the credits will have Sir Mix-a-lot doing a super cool early 90's rap song that explains everything that just happened in the movie!
10.04.2004
Secret Fad Confessions
I've been feeling little guilty lately. I always like to try and pretend like I'm immune to any pop culture or fashion trends but it's all a lie, a cheap and filthy facade. I have fallen for at least two fads, both of which I will confess now...
I purchased many Beanie Babies, I secretly desired them all. I wanted the blue jay one, I spent more than 50 dollars on them which is just ridiculous. I went loco and virtually rabid with excitement when I found the Princess Diana beanie. I still have three of them on display in my room but at least took a step toward recovery and ripped the tags off. The worst part is that I never really liked the toy itself, I thought that somehow these pieces of fabric stuffed with polyurethane would somehow someday be worth money. My aunt learned the hard way, she bought thousands of these things and is still recovering. I managed to escape with most of my cash and am writing inspirational blogs all over the internet.
the other...
I wore hawaiian shirts. I wore them and I thought they were cool. I was a jackass and I looked like one too. But...
at least I didn't wear sweater vests.
There is one other, kind of, I was part of the old man/Velcro shoe fad, but that doesn't really count since I basically started it.
I purchased many Beanie Babies, I secretly desired them all. I wanted the blue jay one, I spent more than 50 dollars on them which is just ridiculous. I went loco and virtually rabid with excitement when I found the Princess Diana beanie. I still have three of them on display in my room but at least took a step toward recovery and ripped the tags off. The worst part is that I never really liked the toy itself, I thought that somehow these pieces of fabric stuffed with polyurethane would somehow someday be worth money. My aunt learned the hard way, she bought thousands of these things and is still recovering. I managed to escape with most of my cash and am writing inspirational blogs all over the internet.
the other...
I wore hawaiian shirts. I wore them and I thought they were cool. I was a jackass and I looked like one too. But...
at least I didn't wear sweater vests.
There is one other, kind of, I was part of the old man/Velcro shoe fad, but that doesn't really count since I basically started it.
10.02.2004
The Future
As a wee child my every spare thought was occupied by my wonder of the future. I used to sit in the closet for hours just thinking about how amazing things would be in the year 2005, WHOA! That's soooo far away! Though I'm older now and a slightly more disillusioned about the world, I now realize that "the future" will never come. Though I was very disappointed when 2001 finally rolled around and space travel hadn't become accessible to the common man and we hadn't colonized Mars, I'm glad things don't look the way they do in any sci-fi movie predicting the future. They are all hideous glimpses at what should never be.
I like to put sci-fi futuristic films into two stylistic categories...
The first and by far the worst is "the future according to whatever decade the movie was made". I.e. Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Terminator 2 and Total Recall. Sure, they're entertaining movies but they all break rule #1 of predicting the future, never have the timeline of your film within the next 20 years. All the movies I listed above have already taken place in their ficticious universes and none of the things that take place in the film are even possible yet. Sure it's just a movie and it doesn't really matter but your best bet is to simply put the date it takes place in as "sometime in the ambiguous future" or "who knows" or better yet just put the date at some outrageously far time like 5385, but I think if you do that you risk being like 2001 space Odyssey and overestimating. I mean we had already moved past the "swanky" rat pack-esque martini-bar-in-every-house America by the time people got done watching it. "What do you want for your birthday darling?"
"A bush baby!"
"A bush baby!? You're insane. Well we'll just have to see about that, tell mumsy I called will you darling?"
The other vision of the future that I find much more plausible is the super-sterile future where no one smiles and everyone lives in a perfect politically correct bubble. I.e. The Matrix and Gattaca. With the advent of new technologies we rely less and less on other human beings, I absolutely love the new "do it yourself" lanes at Wal-Mart. I no longer have to deal with the perma-cranky cashiers anymore! It's great! But, eventually everything will be that way, robots will soon be taking my order at Taco Bell and I'll be joining the revolution to destroy the robots who have stolen my job. I predict by 3030 that nearly everything will become automated, putting millions of minimum wage employees out of business.
What's the point of this? I don't know but I just hope that we don't make the robots too angry, they can hurt us!
I like to put sci-fi futuristic films into two stylistic categories...
The first and by far the worst is "the future according to whatever decade the movie was made". I.e. Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Terminator 2 and Total Recall. Sure, they're entertaining movies but they all break rule #1 of predicting the future, never have the timeline of your film within the next 20 years. All the movies I listed above have already taken place in their ficticious universes and none of the things that take place in the film are even possible yet. Sure it's just a movie and it doesn't really matter but your best bet is to simply put the date it takes place in as "sometime in the ambiguous future" or "who knows" or better yet just put the date at some outrageously far time like 5385, but I think if you do that you risk being like 2001 space Odyssey and overestimating. I mean we had already moved past the "swanky" rat pack-esque martini-bar-in-every-house America by the time people got done watching it. "What do you want for your birthday darling?"
"A bush baby!"
"A bush baby!? You're insane. Well we'll just have to see about that, tell mumsy I called will you darling?"
The other vision of the future that I find much more plausible is the super-sterile future where no one smiles and everyone lives in a perfect politically correct bubble. I.e. The Matrix and Gattaca. With the advent of new technologies we rely less and less on other human beings, I absolutely love the new "do it yourself" lanes at Wal-Mart. I no longer have to deal with the perma-cranky cashiers anymore! It's great! But, eventually everything will be that way, robots will soon be taking my order at Taco Bell and I'll be joining the revolution to destroy the robots who have stolen my job. I predict by 3030 that nearly everything will become automated, putting millions of minimum wage employees out of business.
What's the point of this? I don't know but I just hope that we don't make the robots too angry, they can hurt us!
10.01.2004
Now that the Cubs Season is Over...
Now that the Cubs have officially blown any chances of being in the post season this year, who can we blame for this disappointment? We as fans need an outlet for our rage so let's look at all the factors that lead to 2004 Cubs suckiness...
Everyone had huge expectations for this year and that was understandable, a team that was only five outs from the world series last year had added to their great roster this year. Though I'm not superstitious in the least, I do believe in jinxes. I make sure to knock on wood at all times. So the first problem with this year was the Sports Illustrated jinx. The good folks at sports illustrated must have never heard the story of the Titanic, "not even God himself could sink this ship". "The 2004 Cubs will win the world series". Good job guys. I remember being so excited about that cover story even considering that S.I. had probably had Rashaan Salaam and Ryan Leaf as the next big things in football. But can words really determine the outcome of something? Yes. It happens all the time, let's say you're driving in a car and you say to your friends "man this old car has never let me down" or "I could drive on empty for miles and miles!" When you make a statement of fact very confidently and say it in a way that there could be no other outcome, fate itself intervenes and brings balance to the universe by screwing you.
The next problem this year had was that the fans suddenly deciding to start booing. This year was the only year with expectations, rarely ever does a Cub season have the expectation to do well. Because of that fact, the fans decided to start booing when things didn't go according to those expectations. The problem with this is that you can't just be passive happy go lucky fans one year and then the next start acting like Phillies fans. You have to make a gradual transition to being angry fans, sure the Cubs need a motivation, the fans WERE too passive, but the Cubs players had become too sensitive and needed to be weaned on anger until they could handle a sufficient crowd beating.
Overall it was an interesting year, there were ups and downs, there were plenty of exciting times, there was a winning record, but they didn't do what they were supposed to. They were too good of a team to not get anywhere. Oh well, I'll just use the excuse people use when they lose...it's just a game. ugh.
Everyone had huge expectations for this year and that was understandable, a team that was only five outs from the world series last year had added to their great roster this year. Though I'm not superstitious in the least, I do believe in jinxes. I make sure to knock on wood at all times. So the first problem with this year was the Sports Illustrated jinx. The good folks at sports illustrated must have never heard the story of the Titanic, "not even God himself could sink this ship". "The 2004 Cubs will win the world series". Good job guys. I remember being so excited about that cover story even considering that S.I. had probably had Rashaan Salaam and Ryan Leaf as the next big things in football. But can words really determine the outcome of something? Yes. It happens all the time, let's say you're driving in a car and you say to your friends "man this old car has never let me down" or "I could drive on empty for miles and miles!" When you make a statement of fact very confidently and say it in a way that there could be no other outcome, fate itself intervenes and brings balance to the universe by screwing you.
The next problem this year had was that the fans suddenly deciding to start booing. This year was the only year with expectations, rarely ever does a Cub season have the expectation to do well. Because of that fact, the fans decided to start booing when things didn't go according to those expectations. The problem with this is that you can't just be passive happy go lucky fans one year and then the next start acting like Phillies fans. You have to make a gradual transition to being angry fans, sure the Cubs need a motivation, the fans WERE too passive, but the Cubs players had become too sensitive and needed to be weaned on anger until they could handle a sufficient crowd beating.
Overall it was an interesting year, there were ups and downs, there were plenty of exciting times, there was a winning record, but they didn't do what they were supposed to. They were too good of a team to not get anywhere. Oh well, I'll just use the excuse people use when they lose...it's just a game. ugh.
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