Archive

3.29.2005

BABY SQUIRREL!!!! You're Gonna get Run'd Over!

Everyday as I slowly drive down the street, on the way to get my fastfood lunch, the SAME BABY SQUIRREL goes darting RIGHT in front of me, barely escaping death. It's happened at least five times. I wouldn't really care about hitting him, but he's so flippin' cute. That isn't him in the picture ^, I stole that from google, but you get the idea, he's just as precious.
Anyway, I need a name for him, so when does his four yard dash I can scream "GET OUT OF THE WAY BABY SQUIRREL (insert name) DON'T YOU KNOW I'M GONNA RUN YOU OVER??!! I DON'T WANNA, BUT I'LL DO IT!! AAaararrrghgh!!"
But the ironic part is that getting run over would probably be a better fate for him. It's either that or get torn apart by precious Morpheus (my cat) once kitty hunting season begins.
So, it's your choice Meestah Spahkle! (baby squirrel's new name). I will see you tommorow, same time, but this time I'm not going to brake.

That's pretty much the height of my excitement. I've been spending all my time writing a ten page paper about John F. Kennedy's success in dealing with civil rights. Fun stuff, I am fairly interested in the legacy of JFK, mostly his assassination, but it's still interesting enough to get me through it.


ISO: Luke, you troglodyte, write something NOW!

3.26.2005

Nouveautech: These are the Days of Miracle and Wonder

Today in the mail I received a 'super secret' letter from some faux illuminati group called "Nouveau Tech", whos creedo should be "spreading humor to the world one ridiculous letter at a time". This invitation to learn their great secrets is almost as absurd as the 'by mail' prayer blankets that essentially claim to grant wishes, because God obviously wants to be our own personal genie. And it’s almost as sad as the chicken tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch Burger King commercial starring down and out Darius "Hootie and the Blowfish" Rucker.
The eight page letter is written as a personal testimony from "John Finn", who apparently is the host of “a late night talk show that many of us watch“. Conan? Anyway, 'Mr. Finn' goes on to say how the "association" has analyzed my "profile" and that I'd be "unbelievably flattered" if I "knew who these individuals were". The letter then asks me to forgive them (the association), because they've found "something special" about me, in my profile, my AOL instant messenger profile I guess. They say that I’m in "cycle two" of my life, an ambiguous term that is meant to amaze me, but also one that can apply to basically every age group they send the letter to, besides senior citizens.
Great. So I read on, still waiting for them to ask me for my credit card information, but I guess that comes sometime after you've already corresponded to the letter.
It goes on for about five pages talking about how I can learn some "shockingly powerful secrets" which can make me:
Prosper in every area of my life: emotionally, personally, physically, romantically and financially.
Learn how to control anyone and make any man or woman like you, admire you, or love you!
All the money, power and romantic love you’ve ever wanted can come to you easily!

FOR FREE! With extra emphasis on the bold print.

“By now you’re probably skeptical like I was”.
D@%* Straight.

The boring letter continues with another story about some guy who was losing his money at a blackjack table in Vegas, but alas, next him was the luckiest man on the planet and member of Nouveau Tech. Women and money flocked to him like magnets to steel! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, so then the lucky guy tells the loser guy “I think you’re full of potential” and says “You’re a special person, I’ve been expecting you, you have special powers, but the time is not right, when it is, I shall reveal them in time”. Then the guy vanishes in a puff of magic smoke, or whatever other unbelievable thing you can think of. According to the Nouveu Tech official website, their secret tradition inspired the movie 'The Matrix' which is exactly what I'm picturing as I read the letter.
Then eventually the loser guy decides to go back to Vegas and try to find Mr. Lucky again. While heading there he stops off at a library where the lucky guy just-so-happened to have dropped off “the special book”. It goes on to say that Mr. Lucky guy left this 2300 year old manuscript which reveals the secrets to money making or some (#%^.
“once you’re exposed to the ancient secrets of nouveau tech you’ll profit from everyone all the time! FOR FREE!
Aaaaand it drabs on about how this ancient manuscript, combined with the discoveries of Dr. Frank R. Wallace, will help me get good at casino games and also help me re-gain ex-lovers. Oh boy. It says he learned these secrets while working for Dupont and that he wouldn't sell them his secrets, not even for 50,000 dollars. But he IS kind enough to divulge them to me, for free.
The list of magical powers that I can receive for free goes on and on and on…
Learn to easily beat any opponent in your life…in any situation…COMPLETELY FREE!
Learn how to make your new powers render all others helpless.
Learn how to be constantly and invisibly armed so that any person trying deception or cheating ploys against you instantly becomes powerless and at your mercy.
They still haven’t asked for my personal information yet, so now I’m just wondering when Satan will be expecting my soul.

Anyhew, this whole letter pretty much violates what 99.9% of all secret societies are about, so it must be true, I can’t WAIT to get my new powers, FOR ABSOFREAKINLUTELY FREE! THIS IS GONNA ROCK! WOOOOOOO!!!!

3.21.2005

The Ring TOO

From the makers of the first mediocre film comes the new sequel "Ring Two" and that's TWO not 2. What's that? You liked the first? Well, too bad, this one is crap.

I don't know why I'm even writing a review for this but heee we is, so let's press on! It alll started when my buddy slick Willy and the gang decided we should all go see the much anticipated sequel; 'The Ring two', at friggin midnight. I guess Will really enjoyed the first or had some great memories of seeing the first one, or something, but he wanted to see it! So sees it we did. HOORRAAAY!
Me: "Where are we goooing? Ring 2?! I do NOT want to see this, uugghh, seven fifty?! Maaan, I'm just gonna sneak in. Where are we going!?"
and of course no one is listening to me.
But to my pleasant surprise, the ticket price was only six dollars after midnight! Still not worth it, but not quite as outrageous.
After purchasing my ticket, I headed to concessions where I bought 'the usual', the 'kid's combo'. It rocks, you get popcorn, a drink and a lil' packet of candy in a precious little box for only three fitty! That's like pocket change in 'theater money'! I then poured the delicious Cajun flavored powder stuff on my popcorn...
It's movie time!
After a half hour of commercials the trailers finally started. Ok, the Ring Two was NOT the highlight of the night, it was the trailer for some movie called "Red Eye". Never, ever before has a trailer gotten such a reaction from a movie audience I've taken part in. The trailer starts off with Cillian Murphy and that chick from 'The Notebook' flirting in an airport terminal, they then 'just-so-happen' to get seats right next to each other on the plane. They sit there, flirt some more, then the captain says something over the radio which I don't really remember. I think it was turbulence or something, then they quickly zoom into Cillian Murphy's eye which turns red, then it's over...yeah, that was it. The whole theater started cracking up, maybe it was just because it was so late, I dunno. I probably wouldn't laugh as hard if I saw it again, but it was great. Sure got my attention, I mean I'm not gonna see it, but the trailer was marvelous.
Anyway, the Ring Two started. Naomi Watts and her son Aiden "Red Rum Jr." move to another town after having their lives ruined in the previous film. They go about their new lives all happy like, everything in our wonderful life is sooooo perfect now...oooooor is it? DUN DUN DUUUN!
No, it isn't and now we get watch 111 minutes of their boring lives being ruined for a second time and that's pretty much all that happens. Naomi and her disturbingly cliché son run from the evil, devil-child Samara, yep. It takes Naomi's character 30 minutes to figure out the "Ring" tape has returned to terrorize her Seattle suburb. It then takes her about 45 minutes to figure out her son is possessed by Samara. THEN, it takes her 25 minutes to talk to Sissy Spacek to figure out WHY her son is possessed then in the last 11 minutes we get a mildly tense climax. But no matter how "tense" it gets, it doesn't really matter, by the end you care so little about the characters that you're actually hoping for their death.
I like to pretend like I learn something from every movie I see, no matter how terrible it may be. I can't really think of anything for this one, but uh, I guess if I ever direct or write my own horror movie I'll know not to have A BUNCH OF HUNDRED YEAR OLD MOVIE CLICHES in my movie!!!
Cliché 1: Children of the Corn - yeah, stop it. It was cool in The Shining, it was cool in The Omen, it was cool in about A THOUSAND other horror movies but the whole demon possessed children thing is dead. It doesn't have any value whatsoever any longer. Here's something that would shock and surprise me...a kid that actually acts like a kid.
Actually that's all the clichés I can think of.

Anyhew, I'd probably give this movie a rating of about 6.65, but the scene where all the badly done CGI deer attack Naomi and Lil' Danny Torrence's car was enough comic relief to bump up the rating to 6.66 out of 10 Ringus...MWAHAHAHA!!!

3.18.2005

Amazing but True: Record Seekers Will Probably Die.

As I was re-painting and chipping the mold off of my grandparent's basement walls today I was listening to the History channel in the other room. It must have been a marathon because I listened to and caught snippets of four straight hours of the show "Amazing but True" all of which featured famous record setting aviators and seafarers. As I scraped away on the walls I listened to story after story of famous pilots and boatmongers who all mysteriously disappeared during their attempts to set a record. Each “Strange but True” story came and went and about three stories in I finally realized, um, this guy is going to die I bet. And I was right. The first story was about Amelia Earheart who, I never realized, disappeared in the west Pacific. As with every one of the episodes, various explanations were given for the different disappearances, which seemed to be the same for all the people. "Some say that (INSERT FAMOUS PILOT’S NAME) disappeared because she/he was on a spy mission for Franklin Roosevelt." Sure.
One of the stories was about Charles Lindberg, I think. They only referred to him as Charles and I wasn't paying too much attention, but I guess he mysteriously vanished too. I did not know that. I don't remember having seen any giant murals or statues regarding a disappearance when I visited his boring museum in Minnesota.
Anyway, I don’t know what the ratio is, deaths to survivals in record setting attempts, but what I got from watching the History Channel was, is that if you attempt to set too many world speed, land or time records, you’ll probably die. But I’m sure you already knew that.
And the most entertaining story of the day was about some guy from England in the 1960’s who wanted to get some publicity for his failing electronics business so he entered into a “sail around the globe” contest. Disregarding all warnings from his family and experienced local seamen, he set sail on his voyage anyway. After figuring out he no idea what he was doing he decided to falsify his coordinates when reporting over the radio, in other words, cheat. So basically he just sat in his ship off the coast of Brazil, drank and pretended like he was sailing around the world, until he finally lied himself around the world.
The best part of this guy’s story was when, during Christmas, he recorded himself while drunk and the History Channel narrator is like “it was evident that during the weeks at sea the isolation was beginning to have an effect.” Yeah, wait no, he was just a drunkard who realized he was worst sailor in history.
I didn’t get to see how the story ended however. I didn’t get back after the commercial break, all I heard was “his family waited in anticipation for his arrival, but” then the dramatic music starts playing, which made me know he wasn’t going to make it. And hopefully he didn’t, because the guy seemed like a real nut.

3.16.2005

Two Reviews...

The Dave Matthews Band has released their new single via AOL (aka the devil), called "American Baby". There's really not much to say, it's the most vanilla song ever. Not bad, not great, it's a song. But it's still a crapload better than anything from 'Everyday' (except 'So Right', 'Fool to Think' and 'Everyday' which rule)
It starts out nice and groovy but then Dave's badly mixed guitar comes in. The verse ensues with lyrics about God knows what (probably something about how Kerry should have won). Then a few seconds later the repetitive chorus kicks in "Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay American Baby!" Yes, stay American, we're the greatest country on the planet.
On the plus side, Stefan's verse bassline is absolutely fantastic and the jam at the end of the song is pretty cool and is going rock live.
I'm not going to pass judement on the album yet, considering I haven't heard it. Sure, I'm worried, the song isn't terrible, but I fear that they've decided to go with the pop music sound of Everyday again, something they aren't very good at.
I'm still pretty excited though, I'm sure they'll be at least five or six excellent songs on the album. And I'm also sure that it will be better than Everyday AND Busted Stuff, both of which weren't too bad. There are some good songs on Everyday, some that I love to hear live. 'American Baby' isn't close to being as bad as the worse song on Everyday, I know that's not something to really be excited about, the band should have higher standards, but it means there will be plenty of great music coming from this new album. Basically anything upbeat and fun will be great to hear live, especially after the really depressing string of songs dave seemed to be writing in the past four or five years.
The cover art for "Stand Up" is now up too, which is hideous, looks like they're trying to sell a Mercedes Benz.
6.96/10 Sad Robots.
----------------------

Robots
I don't feel like writing a review, but it's cute, a good movie, go see it. Some ingenious visuals and entertaining humour, lots of interesting characters.
I give it 7.89/10 Happy Robots.

3.10.2005

November's Confused Hunters


"...and that's the story of how I ended up getting lice, as well as several other venearal diseases, during our weekend hunting trip."
Here is a very confusing piece of calender art I found recently while rummaging through boxes of old stag magazines. I bring it to your attention only in the hopes that someone out there can explain to me what's going on here, maybe provide some context.
I see a hunter, reminiscing beside a large fireplace...at the local hunting lodge....scratching his head and staring perplexedly at a photograph of a slain deer which is held at an awkward angle as if suddenly remembering some elusive or embarrassing detail.
"Hmm, nope, doesn't look familiar...but that is my plaid button down shirt though. Well I'll be darned!" Clearly this man had one too many Seagram's golden coolers during his expedition.
Or maybe he's getting choked up, emotional over the memories that haunt him. Memories of accidently killing his own nine year old daughter who decided to dress as Bambi for Halloween that year.
Regardless, he does seem a bit flustered. It's possible, maybe, that the photo came attached with a ransom letter, "Dear Mr. Johnson, if you want to see your son again drop ten thousand in unmarked bills next to that one huge tree in the forest, you know, that one you like to pee on...sincerely, Mr. BelveDeer".
I don't know. Forget I asked.

Apocalypse 5 - Dear Jack Van Impe, please makes this.


A Cloud 10 production...
From the people that brought you Revelation, Tribulation and Judgement comes...
"Image of the Beast II: Apocalypse V: Return of the Beast: Devastation"
Tagline: "This summer, everybody's getting the mark"
Producers: Brett Warren and Jack Van Impe
Director: David Giancola
Music: Vangelis
Cast:
Gary Busey--------------------Tom Canboro (police detective)
Jeff Fahey---------------------Thorold Stone (counter-terrorism expert)
Christopher Walken-----------James K. Polk V (former president)
Hugo Weaving-----------------Lucifer (Satan) (The Devil)
Monica Bellucci----------------Mary Magdalen (in flashbacks)
Nick Mancuso-----------------Franco Macalousso (the antichrist)
Robert Vaughn----------------Son of the Antichrist
Andy Serkis-------------------Pope Supercilious XXVIII (the pope)
Jessica Steen------------------Victoria Thorne (single female lawyer)
George Woodard---------------Head of O.N.E Army
Charles B. Pierce---------------Satan's Clone
Shaquille O'Neil----------------Jaleel McNeil (professional basketball player)
Carol Alt-----------------------Cindy Bolton (blind computer wiz/ eye candy)
Tony Nappo-------------------Willie Spino (handicapped computer wiz/ fat)
Leigh Lewis-------------------Helen Hannah (chick from all the movies)
Richard Nester----------------Bronson Pearl (the guy from the first movie)

Synopsis:
After having his "Day of Wonders" (virtual reality helmet that gives people the mark of the beast) plan foiled for the third time, Franco Macalousso, the antichrist, decides to clone a smarter version of himself to assist in bringing his evil plans to pass. Meanwhile, in an internet chat room, Willie Spino, computer geek turned O.N.E cronie discovers the plans for a new and improved day of wonders which will be distributed in pill form. Willie calls his blind friend Cindy Bolton who calls her good friend and former lover Thorold Stone. Thorold teams up with his former academy buddy Tom Canboro and former lawyer Victoria Thorne, together they seek out the help of former president and current owner of the formerly and currently Washington Bullets, James K. Polk the fifth. Polk is the only one that can help Thorold and Tom get close enough to the antichrist (who has box seat season tickets) to overhear his plans for the new day of wonders project. Disguised as newly drafted players for the team, the two are invited to a players only post game party. Tom and Thorold convince the antichrist to have a drinking contest with Bullet's center Jaleel McNeil, the antichrist agrees after remembering him from the Radio shack commercials. After finally inebriating the antichrist, the two are disappointed to find out that he is NOT the antichrist but merely his son, he knows nothing. But he does reveal a vital piece of information, Cindy Bolton, the hot blind woman/computer wiz, is going to turn on Tom, Thorold and Victoria again, just like she did in "Apocalypse II: Revelation". With this new information, they set a trap for the blind lady, pretending to be converts to One Nation Earth, Cindy takes them to meet Franco Macalousso. But alas, he knows that Tom Canboro and Thorold Stone are faking! But who told Franco of their plans? None other than Helen Hannah, who is in league with Pope Supercilious XXVIII. After a long exposition revealing her and the antichrist's master plans, Tom and Thorold turn and run, trying to escape from the O.N.E compound, a half hour chase ensues and J.K. Robertson is right on their tail. Thorold Stone and Tom Canboro are going to need the help of a really old character to get out of this one...just as they become cornered by O.N.E agents and the guy from Commader and Conquer, none other than BRONSON PEARL comes to the rescue! Yeah, that guy. Better yet, Bronson has vital information for Tom and Thorold, the new day of wonders will be disguised as AOL trial discs, no one will be able to escape, he has more information too; Victoria Thorne has been kidnapped by the antichrist's son. Tom and Thorold decide to split up, Tom goes to rescue Victoria and Thorold goes to kill the antichrist. In a super cool gearing up scene Thorold arms himself to the teeth with sweet weapons, then heads to the O.N.E headquarters to do the deed. Tom goes with Thorold once they realize that the antichrist and Victoria are in the same building. The two shoot their way through the heavily guarded building in a way that makes the Matrix lobby scene look like child's play. They then confront the antichrist who, they find out, can deflect bullets, so the sweetest kung fu fight EVER incurs. Thorold and Tom tag team Macalousso, but then the antichrists son takes off with Victoria, Tom Canboro chases after. After a glorious display of martial arts mastery, the antichrist leaves Thorold's bloody and broken body sprawled on the ground. Meanwhile, Tom chases the antichrist’s son and Victoria to the edge of the buildings rooftops. While on the rooftops, the antichrist's son reveals his plan's and all it's weaknesses. Saying that he himself is the new day of wonders project, he can move in and out of people's minds at will, the key to the Armageddon lies within his mind!! MWAHAHAH!!!
He then reveals that his father has badly beaten Thorold, there is no hope left! MWAAHAHAH!! Satan then appears in human form to confirm this, that there is indeed, no hope.
Remembering from earlier in the movie, Tom challenges the antichrist's son to another drinking contest...on the edge of the building. Tom, knowing that he's Gary Busey, knows that he can easily out drink anyone. After finally getting the antichrist's son drunken enough, Tom pushes him off the building, thus postponing the Armageddon for at least another movie.
After a romantic scene with Victoria, Tom runs back to find his dying friend. Precious moments are shared, tears are shed then Thorold passes on. In a fit of rage Tom yells to the antichrist "I'll get you in the next movie! AAAAaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!"
dun dun dun!
THE END.

Soundtrack listing coming soon.

Dave Matthews Band in the Studio

UPDATE uh errr, yeah so the new single "American Baby" I guess it is has been released via AOL. I don't know, it's bad, I mean like 5/10, not horrible, not as bad as Creed or Avril Lavinge but not worthy of anything past a D- grade. I don't know what the deal is, I know it's only one song, but the "sound" of the rest of the album probably won't be much different. So yes, I'm worried. I sure hope they didn't feel like making the sequel to Everyday. Dangit.

-----------------------------------
Jan 4 - The Dave Matthews Band is back in the studio and http://www.dmbnewstudioalbum.com/ is now online. The new site features two video segments that show the band in studio, one of which interviews their new producer Mark Batson who has worked with assorted pop acts like Eminem, Beyonce, Maroon 5 and Fitty Cent. Yeah, that sucks, but he has worked with two of my favorites; Seal and Sting. Judging from these previous acts his production is sure to deliver a slick package.
The two video clips have short little snippets of songs that may or may not be on the new album. I have no idea how close those songs were to a finished product, but just basing my opinion off of what I heard, it's really different, yet feels familiar. The best way I can describe it is, it's DMB without the depression. Most of their material has a sad element but these new clips feel lighter, they seem to have a very smooth feel to them. They remind me of much jazzier versions of 'Stay' and 'Crush' with a thicker more driving r&b rhythm. I fully welcome something different from this band, I think Dave and the guys can really take a step up to another level. From what Batson says in the interview, he's really trying to work with each of them to bring out their best and also to help them explore new bounds of their own creativity. This band really does need something fresh, they tried to achieve that with Everyday but I think the reason Everyday was a failure was not because the songs were really that bad, in fact most of them are pretty good. I think it fails because the 'new sound' was actually just a detraction. There was hardly any Boyd or Roi at all, essentially it was a Dave solo record. As long as the whole band is contributing in a solid way, different is ok. I really don't care how different the sound is as long as the songs offer something new.
They really need for this album to be good. I mean really. Everyday and Busted Stuff were fairly uninspiring, the band has almost been MIA since 98's Before These Crowded Streets, they need this new record to remind people why they're good.

Another interesting thing...last year the band was playing four new songs almost every show; Hello Again, Crazy Easy, Sugar Will and Joy Ride, all of which sounded very similar to their old material and most DMB fans were sure they were going to be on the new album. Now we're not so sure, they just don't sound like they could fit in, besides maybe Sugar Will. This should be interesting to see what happens to these songs.

3.04.2005

Constantine

I went to a movie today. There were three people in the theater, just how I like it...
The previews for Constantine looked pretty interesting to me, so I was going to eventually see it and did, today. I'm not familiar with the comic book and didn't really know what to expect besides bad Keanu Reeves acting and stuff about hell, so I went in with a fairly clean slate. Overall the movie seemed to be divided into three parts; the beginning had the same bad/cheesy editing that lots of comic book based movies such as Daredevil and Hellboy have. Then at about 15 minutes in, the movie actually becomes very well done. Toward the end though, the whole Satan revealing himself in human form to Constantine and such was far too reminiscent of the Jack van Impe "Apocalypse" movies based on the book of Revelation; cheesy. But at least Satan in this movie doesn't ask Keanu to "Believe in meeeeee, hisss!!!" I prefer the more "cold" portrayal of Satan, like, Hal9000 would have made a good Satan. I think he was just a tad over the top. Anyway, a good enough portion of the film was done well enough to keep me intrigued.
Although I tried hard not to make the comparison, Keanu's character John Constantine was waaaay to similar to Neo, I mean it was Neo with a different name only. Same "Thomas Anderson at the office" attire, but since Keanu basically plays himself in every movie I guess the character was just Keanu. I don't know, he did a good job coughing and smoking. I will admit that his character in this movie was far less confused than Keanu's usual characters. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear no "whoa's" or "why's" in this movie. So congratulations Mr. Reeves.
Rachel Weisz was fantastic as well, I was expecting her to be crazy and flustered like she was in The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Envy, Enemy at the Gates and Runaway Jury. I also expected her to cry a lot. But nope!
I abruptly end my review by highly recommending Constantine, definitely worth the viewing. Great art direction, some interesting special effects, better than Matrix Revolutions, I give it 7.86/10 "whoa" 's.

I also saw the most hilarious preview ever, it was for yet another horror movie to add to the pile of crap, it was called "House of Wax". It's funny enough that Paris Hilton is in the movie, but Chad Michael Murray and Elisha Cuthbert too!? I was surprised, where's Hillary Duff?
This trailer was gold, I don't think anyone could have even tried to come up with something so ridiculous, these five beautiful teens get stranded in some town where this guy killed everyone and turned them into wax statues, uuuh, ok. So no one in the town noticed anything fishy going on? Anyway, they run from the killer, show a few random shots of Paris Hilton doing her sobby sad face, show a few close-ups of Chad Michael Murray looking sexy. I'm sure the whole movie consists of how many "creepy" things you can do involving wax statues. I can think of many, but not enough to warrant the 2395724875984th faux horror movie of 2005.
This got me thinking that maybe, this is really a very very subtle, new form of comedy, where the comedy inheritly lies within the movie being bad. I mean like, "Manos the Hands of Fate", what if someone made that bad on purpose, and now some film makers with sick senses of humor are doing the same with these "horror" movies. Hmmm.