Archive

1.01.2002

Just Go Limp

Are you tired of being controlled by athourity, the old man, the fuzz, pops, the geezer, the old maid? What do you usually do as a way of getting back at them? Be rebellious, shoot pool, listen to the devils music. Is that really working for you? Probably not, your parents just take away your stuff and yell. There is just no winning is there?! Shut up, there is. Just go limp, yes you heard me, fall to the ground and refuse to move. Lay there on the floor like a corpse. But first warn your parents saying "If you make me do that I'll go limp! You'll have to drag my limp body to the dentist!" Trust me, your parents won't know what to do. the first reason why this is so effective is because they probably won't want to waste the energy yelling at you or trying to drag you to the car. This tactic worked as a child so why shouldn't it work now? Go do it, it's actually fun, I'm limp right now I've been like this for three

The Adventures of a Guy at the World's Most Strict College

Little Billy Snadsgras was taking a liesurely stroll through the park at his college. It was extremely hot because it was mid July and he was not permitted to leave campus until he graduated. Just as he always had to do he walked over to the nearest telephone and called his LDS (local dorm snitch). He did this every half hour so they would know where he was, and not expel him. The intense heat was starting to make his tight black suit chaffe so He looked around to see if anyone was looking and then...loosened his tie! Quickly the scholl authourities jumped him and he was quickly campused. Billy would sit in his empty dorm most of the summer and would suprise himself by saying "gee I wish school would start soon". But it would not so he would look out the window into the real world and weep. One day one of billies friends, Freddie horehound was in the park looking suspicious. Billie could see Him running up to door of his building below. Billie peeked his head out his rooms door and saw Randy Quiggles the local DS coming . He gave an evil look at Billie then when he passed Freddie came diving into the room. "What are you doing?" Billie yelled. Just as he spoke Freddie pulled out a small square box from his suit jacket. "whats that?!" Billie sqealled. Freddie put his hand over Billies mouth, "Please quiet thy speech! The LDM might hear you!"
Both the boys gazed in awe as freddie quietly turned on the switch, "It's a raaaddio" They both proclaimed in sheer hapiness. "Let's listen to...talk radio!" Billie whispered.
Both the boys huddled up in the corner and quitely played the radio the rest of the summer.

Deep Fried Foods: Eat Them Not

Everything can be deep fried I have discovered, everything! Chicken, onions, pickles, fish, bread, small puppies, easy cheese and milk. It does not taste good at all. So why are we continuosly poisoned by the thick hardened crusty brown grease? Young children who eat at Long John Silvers are developing ulsers. Now that deep frying machines are in all places it would be useless to try destroying them all, so what should we do with them? The first and most popular is the idea that political leaders could be deep fried which would finely preserve them far into the future. Al Gore per say, in 2040 after he is uncrusted from the deep fried state could run for president against George W's great grandkids. The deepfry could also be used as a nonlethal weapon for police or a capital punishment tool, I don't know but if you have any questions, comments or suggested uses for the deepfry call this toll free fake number for the presidential council of greasy foods, 555-grease.

The Ever Suspicous Gold Dollar

Upon close examination of these gold dollars my first question was, "why in the the name of judas did the government give us these?!"
It's been about eight months now and I still don't know. I swear I've never seen 1 person use a "sacagawea" dollar! Never!, Never ever. Not one single person, Except myself. I don't know about you but It makes me feel rich when I have a pocket full of huge gold coins. The worst part about these golden dollars is the strange looks I get from people when I try to use the coins to purchase something. It's like geez money is money! Just take it for cryin' out loud! I also dislike the coin because Sacagawea is far les attractive than Susan B. Anthony.
Now is where I warn you about the government conspiracy surrounding the dollar. First off, have you ever noticed how the coin fades a wierd dark brown color? If not go look at one it's probably not a shiny gold. This happens because the government is now trying to take the penny out of circulation. For years the penny has been used to take fingerprints of americans. All pennies made from 1990 on are this way.
The government is now using the gold dollar for fingerprints and The Mark Of The Beast! Go now and write your congressman. No forget him, write the president! Tell him you hate the gold dollar, do it for the good of America!

Jonahdad Omega: 21st Century Scripture Translator

In the joyous year 1983 a child was born in a manger, a manger made of polyester and rats wool. when he was a small child he would translate everything he could get his hands on. He would translate the back of cereal boxes into pig latin. Jonadad was extremly spiteful and angry at times and would ask his mother, "please mother tell me, why did John Wycliffe and King James not leave any scriptures for me to translate?"
His mother new not the answer and would reply, "because jonadad omega jr, your real gift in life is to translate legal documents." Upon hearing this Jonadad became angry and left his home in Queens to go where he could be appreciated. He was walking down the street one day and saw an advertisment for a contest which read "If thoust can read this than thou shalt enter the scripture translating contest. That was the thing he was waiting for, he immediatly entered the contest and won. He translated 10 time the number of scriptures than enyone else. He was given a medal as his reward, which he wears to this day.

Bring Back the Roaring Twenties

Bringing back music of the past seems to be a new fad nowadays. We brought back the 70's, disco, the fashion(kinda). And now we've brought back swing music. First it was the 70's then the 50's, If this trend continues then next should be the 80's and then after that there will truly be another golden age for America, the 20's, the 1620's that is! I'm all for it! Just picture it, by 2013 all our nations youth will be speaking old English dialect, sporting jolly old English nickers and deuling. Well maybe not but what it's really all about is the music! The finger shakin beats' of the harpsicord, the roof thumpin' piano. You can really bust a move to the sound of a Harpsicord, trust me. Think our teenagers today are depressed? Well just wait till' they've been thoroughly Anglofied by the snooty sounds. So please when 2013 does roll around go out and buy any roarin' 20's CD's and do whatever you can to support the cause!!

Amish Amusement

If you've ever been to an Amish village, gone to a craft store, seen an Amish person on tv or heck, even eaten Quaker oats, then you know that Amish folk aren't exactly exciting people. Usually the amish keep their distance but what happens when they open a themepark! I tell you what happens, Rockholm Gardens. As you pull your "horseless carriage" into the parking you don't even have to look because you know a thousand hidden eyes are peering at you. You try to ignore the creepy feeling of being watched as you stroll past an aged Amish man who appears to be in a demonic trance, and as you pass him he peers at you with glaring evil eyes. There really aren't any "gardens" in this place, just enough novelty items to attract old people. The first and almost ammusing landmark is the 8 ft tall oversized rocking chair. After sitting in the large chair, it quickly loses it's fun after about 34 seconds so you decide to go on. After visiting the chair there are two options, stand there and be board to tears or go into the giftshop. You walk to the ghostlike giftshop expecting cheap homemade food items, but as you stand there staring at the counter you notice overpriced major brands of candy. You decide to get one anyhow. "Hmm? I think I'll have the $3.99 Snickers bar. After standing there in the dark 110 degree weather for a half hour you decide to leave. Now it seems even hotter out, it's not the weather, it's your rage building up. You knew there was a Amish man watching you stand at the counter the entire time, you just knew it. The next big attraction is the Amish hero hall of fame, it's interesting enough but it's getting hot and you wanna go. Then your grandma comes running up to you with a bag filled with overpriced Amish goods."Isn't this so cute" she blabs on and on and then after you regain concsiousness you see that she is still talking "Oh this really nice Amish woman told me we should visit the house made of bottles!
"I'm pretty sure these are beer bottles grandma" you say while touching the smooth glass walls. The day continues and by now you've contemplated suicide. Finally it's time to go, after a day of pure, misery and desert like heat, the icy cold air conditioning of your car feels like the most wonderful thing ever!
Visiting an Amish "amusement" park does make you feel better about your life and makes you excited about things you never even noticed before! Like Color, communication, and modern English.

The Only Thing I'd Ever Need on a Desert Island

If I was trapped on an Island there would only be one thing I would need. And if you were trapped on an island you would want it too. What is this amazing item that I speak of? Duck tape? No. It's the wonderfully lemon scented wetwipe that come in the round plastic package, WetOnes. These tasty lemon sanitizers aren't just for cleaning. Everying you need for your survival is right in this little package. The cloths inside the box are nicely connected. So after having landed on the island you can use them as a rope to hoiste yourself up to grab coconuts(just don't pull too hard). And to go with your meal of coconuts you can drink the lemony juice inside(the nausea is natural). Being clean wouldn't be a problem either, everyday you could bathe yourself with them(rashes are natural too). what happens when you run out of wetones? No problem! The plastic packaging could keep you afloat(as long as you weigh less then 10 lbs) long enough to get you to safety. So do not underestimate the power of the wet one!!! ha ha ha ah ha ha!