Archive

9.05.2009

THOUGHTS!





Dear Street Fighter II,


Your cabinet is very popular in our meeting halls.

sincerely, the White Knights of Alabama



And now for a brief summary of things I plan on writing about in varying lengths...

1. This summer: he's a cop who plays by all the rules... and he gets along perfectly amiably with his partner.
2. Cat obedience schools
3. Televised baseball's greatest tradition: zooming in on attractive women
4. Creating your our own personal Bond theme
5. Living the smooth jazz lifestyle
6. You can get away with anything as long as Harry Belafonte music is playing
7. The Professional Juror - this Fall on CBS
8. The golf scene in Navy SEALS vs. the volleyball scene in Top Gun
9. What's the deal with 80's teenagers always going to the lake for the weekend?
10. Kanye and others: shocking pre-fab publicity stunts OF THE STARS
12. People who are anal about Americans calling themselves Americans even though they know exactly what it means and there are no other countries that have "America" in their title. 

13. Xtreme History-ing and history flash mobs: reinactors perform impromptu raids on old fortifications during the height of tourist season.
16. Action Movie Ambulance Denouement Scene: THE MOVIE and or TV SHOW! Picture this...a movie that follows around the hard working folks who hand out blankets to action stars, zany sidekicks and their families at the end of hard-boiled action flicks.
17. Using modern technology to trick your loved ones into thinking you're really far away, but then actually being there to surprise them while they're busy staring at their laptop or phone. Personally I prefer spending years out of touch and then showing up without warning.
19. The Lord of the Rings Eagles: Always there to bail out your cornered narrative!
20. 1-800-Prove It. The joke's on you Old Spice, I use a $3,000 deodorant from Milan! HA-HA!
21. Following people around until they pay what they owe you...like they do in the movies!

22. The Adventures of the Most Interesting Man in the World: Wes Anderson and Dos Equis, a match made in quirky, cinematic heaven.   
23. The imaginary third wall: the future of home architecture AND the future of LIVE reality sitcom!
24. Drive hammered, get nailed...LITERALLY. Crucifixion is back in the State of Illinois' increasingly extreme drunk driving deterrence program. Be sure to vote on proposition 23: no more parking lots for establishments that sell or serve alcohol.  
25. People seeing characters in movies do stupid crap at weddings and then deciding that it would be a good idea to do it at their own wedding.

RANCH STYLE HOMES - It's the 1950's and you're a newlywed swinger who wants the most out of life, but the kicks are running thin. It's true, you'll never be rich enough. Ranches are for oil tycoons and drug lords. So how is Johnny Square ever going to afford that fabulous ranch style home outside of Dallas? Answer: why not bring the ranch to you... at an affordable price!
Realtor: "Function and aesthetic are out. Ranch is the new trend in illusory wealth."
"We'll take it!
"
Crusty 1950's party-guests swooning with envy: "A ranch!? Here in Chicago? Well, I'll be, they must have large sums of acreage hidden somewhere, then!"
I picture a loving family standing portrait style by their front door, father gazing confidently out across the street at the other houses, "traditional" houses with two or three stories that a child could easily fall from. Tall houses unable to withstand the harrowing winds of the Skokie 'burbs. "Only a flat, shoe-box shaped house can withstand the imminent nuclear attack from the Soviets, son."
Timmy nods appreciatively as his beaniecopter hat spins with a whirl and Susie takes a big lick from her over-sized lollipop.
A lesson as old as the Scripture.
But that was then. In current times these monuments to patriarchy of olde sit like mausoleums on aging street corners where ghosts of formerly-murdered inhabitants replay incidents which are visible through one of the many front-side bay windows as you drive home to your lesser housing.

Random: Not What You Think It Means...
helping bored and shallow youths believe in their specialness since 2004

Dear people, you are not random. You are not being random. Random does not equal odd or unusual. The only things that are random are lotto numbers, police lineups, brownouts and lightning strikes...unless they are sent specifically by Zeus to kill golfers. I know it's hard being young and trying to differentiate yourself in the same way that the rest of your peers are differentiating. So what better way than by letting everyone know that there's no rational apparatus governing your decision making process, in other words; you have tourette syndrome. Watch out for this person! They may just go to Dairy Queen and have a Blizzard with gummie bears on top! That is SO 2009!
Don't get me wrong, being "random" is a lot easier than developing genuine interests in things. "Things" are not all that cool and take way too long to learn. Sometimes it's more fulfilling to keep people on edge wondering what you might do next (and wearing a t-shirt that warns them of such). You're a Mentos commercial waiting to let loose and amaze your Facebook friends with a status update that has the lyrics from a song that just played on your i-Pod, RANDOMLY! Oh snap!


6.18.2009

Secrets of the Ninja Part 1: The Basics

CHAPTER ONE PART ONE: THE BASICS OF NINJITSU

Welcome, I am he who shall not be named, but if you must then you shall name me MASTER, in all capital letters. I was looking at the internet recently and discovered how much garbage there is regarding the sacred Ninja tradition, it makes me want to rip your throat out and sautee it with some poisonous mushrooms and then feed it back to you while you are still alive.
What I hope to accomplish here is to crush and make weak all those who defile the name of NINJITSU. Gaiden? Shinobi? Turtles?! HA! CHILD'S PLAY-THINGS! Avatar the Last Airbender!? I hate that little Buddhist freak. Speaking of childs, do they not realize that Karate lessons are futile since they are still too young and pre-pubescent to inflict a killing blow on a human adult? HA HA HA! Scum! In my village children must till the rice with bare hands and sharpen the MASTER's blade with their tongues until the day comes when they are truly prepared to learn the necessary skills.
This is the only lesson you need. Every other book you own, destroy with fire. Destroy your loved ones also, their affection and care (and calling your cell phone asking you to pick up the dry cleaning) will only hinder your path to true invisibility.

Q: What is ninjitsu?

A: If you have to ask this question then it is likely that I have already climbed down your chimney and poked you in the eye with a hot coal poker thing. NEXT QUESTION!

Q: Are you wielding a ball-peen hammer in that photograph? If so, why? Is it a traditional ninja weapon?

A: Are you a traditional ninja weapon!? Listen, yes, I am, and no, it's not...but who's going to notice the difference whether they were killed by a huge sword or a plastic lunch fork. Dead is dead, and the hammer was there, so I used it. Get over it. If I were where you are now I would smash your face in with your keyboard and then strangle you with the mouse chord. If it's a wireless mouse then I'll blind you with the infrared light on the bottom. NEXT QUESTION!

Q: If I become a ninja will I be allowed to use guns?

A: Sure, why not, and while you're at it why not just fly around in an airplane and drop bombs on people like the loser from Aero Fighters 2...
My life is lonely and difficult, wah! Wah! Instead of tracking my prey for thousands of miles and then engaging him in a three hour duel like a real ninja I just fly around and drop bombs from the safety of my airplane, waaaahh!
In case you missed it I was being sarcastic. NO, YOU CANNOT USE A GUN! If you want to go duck hunting like a redneck then THIS IS NOT THE PROFESSION FOR YOU! Real life is NOT like Walker the Texas Ranger. 99.9% of the time you will shoot your enemy in the face given the option...so we strip you of that option and force you to think of all the creative ways in which you can end a life. You are totally missing the point of ninjitsu if you think it's "lonely and difficult", probably because you're confusing the ARMY and AIR FORCE with BEING A NINJA ON THE GROUND KILLING PEOPLE AND GETTING HOT BABES. At least
HALF of a ninja's skills are employed in the evasion of groupies...HALF!!! And if there is one thing I have learned it is that HOT BABES will always choose the man in black with the blood soaked katana. While you're busy reloading your musket, I've already disappeared in a puff of smoke with all the babes. If there is one thing to remember, NINJA = ROCK STAR x 10. We are NOT Monks, Samurai or Jedi Knights. After the training is complete there is no, I repeat NO, self control or sacrifice involved.

Q: Is there a dress code for being a ninja?

A: YES, THERE IS A DRESS CODE! And NO you cannot dress up in your World of Warcraft cosplay or pretend to be a Ninja Pirate or Ninja Cowboy or Ninja Indian. Also, Ryu and Ken are not ninjas, and neither is Goku, or Naruto, or the Power Rangers (except for Tommy, he was neat) so STOP ASKING! The rules are very clear, many of which are taken advantage of and stretched to obscene limits by so-called "Ninjas" (Gaiden, I'm talking to you. Stop riding the fence, you're either a Ninja or a Samurai. PICK ONE!)

Different Ninja colors:
Here is what you need to know about the various colors: each one is assigned to certain levels of skill, and while you are of that particular skill you must viciously attack the other kinds of ninjas (as well as repel ambushes that occur at the most inconvenient times). In other words, we are in constant battle against rival ninja factions. Every color but your own = EVIL. THE ENEMY.
The Ninja Turtles would lead you to believe that there are also purple, orange and blue ninjas, but that is just silly. Have I ever mentioned how crazy I am for turtle meat?


Level ONE and TWO: Black Ninja and American Ninja

Your basic level one black ninjas are the biggest pieces of scum on earth. They are the Tito Jacksons of the ninja world...blubbering, dime-a-dozen idiots who couldn't sneak into a starbucks for a latte. Notice how easily and submissively he is being beaten down by the American ninja, truly pathetic. Yes, I know, black ninjas are the most "iconic" of all ninjas, but that's only because they are SEEN the most. I kill literally HUNDREDS of black ninjas throughout the day without even realizing it, they're like flies on a windshield. Total scum.
Notable blacks include: the "ninjas" from Mortal Kombat, if they can even be called that...freaks.

Next on the food chain is the American Ninja. With greater financial backing and a nuclear arsenal to cover up any mistakes that may occur during ninja-ing, this ninja pulls slightly higher rank than the traditional black ninja. In other words, they're just as crappy as black ninjas and I could kick them in the face I hate them so much...and always with the moral angle on everything, "Waaah! I have to avenge this, waaaah! I need to right this wrong." Etc, etc. Seriously, do we ALWAYS need a legitimate reason to kill things? Idiots.
Notable stupid American Ninjas include: Chuck Norris,
Bruce Wayne, Snakeyes, Cole, Joe.


Next are red ninjas, the commie bastards of ninjadom. These flamboyant killers take pride in being the most annoying they can possibly be. EVERYWHERE, all the time, it's red ninjas here, red ninjas there! They appear from nowhere no matter where you go. I'm at the grocery store and, look, hey, it's a red ninja in the produce isle. Of course you just kill them all and go about your day but it is very frustrating. The most you can do for some peace and quite is either; hire some Mexican ninjas to keep a lookout at your apartment, or set a trap using tacos. It is a well known fact that red ninjas are cuckoo for hardshell tacos. And the costumes...garbage! The only time they provide effective cover is if you're working in a cranberry bog or flying through a bloodstorm of your own creation. But that probably means you've already killed half the town's population already, so it's a little late by that point.
Very few of this type of ninja are found in popular culture, mostly because they suck. There's Strider Hiryu with his stupid spiky hair and then there's Elektra, except she's a woman...and women ninjas are laughable at best. HA HA HA! Well, Cho's Granny in Revenge of the Ninja held her own pretty well until Braden shoved a sword through the wall and, by result, through her spleen. HA! Only women and red ninjas hide in walls.

On a related note, wasn't it really great (for a black ninja) when Cho beats up the Village People on the children's playground. Yes, great scene. It would have been better if a few of the kiddies had by-accidents.

Thirdly we have the white ninja, the most holy and magnificent of ninja warriors, of which I happen to be. Like a pure, elegant snowflake we glide silently and then attack with the viciousness of a snow monkey. So precise is our methodology that we rarely have to remove stains from our death shrouds. Even the victims will likely not show any signs of trauma though their major organs be missing...most of the time they don't even know they were struck until the top of their skull slides off into their bowl of Cheerios.
Famous white ninjas: Me, Storm Shadow, Raiden,
Master Splinter, Gandalf.

And finally we have the elusive nude ninjas who, even more-so than white, have fully transcended the need for physical concealment. Steven Seagal is rumoured to be one but it is hard to know who and where since White ninjas on the cusp of nudehood are rarely (if ever) heard from again.

That is all for today's lesson. Thanks for all the stupid questions. You were a pathetic student. You learn nothing...scum! Next week I will give some practical tips for stalking women as well as answer the question: do we have a license to kill? No, but when has that stopped us before.

6.04.2009

Thoughts on Big Whiskey & the Groo Grux King

Ever since the meltdown that ensued in the aftermath of the abandoned Lillywhite Sessions the Dave Matthews Band has managed to avoid the fade into total irrelevance suffered by many of their 90's pop counterparts. Due in part to their ongoing enthusiasm for live performance and their ability to give birth to new songs and allow them grow over the course of a tour. My biggest gripe in recent years, however, is seeing them come up with some genuinely interesting tunes (Loving Wings, Sugar Will, Good, Good Time) that seem to fade quickly into the memories of all but the hardcore fans, rarely seeing the light of a recording studio. Somewhere from tour's end to the studio the band feels inclined only to start fresh and give themselves another motivation for touring... As opposed to collecting and sorting out their newly budding works. It started with Everyday and since then Dave seems to have been looking for a way to keep the band relevant and interesting for not only himself but for his band mates. Trying new producers, new sounds, trying to give something new to the fans. Trying to balance a whole plethora of expectations and keep a good thing going without worrying about creating a masterpiece.
And so, reconciling the need for a fresh approach started to become the band's mantra. A preoccupation that resulted in mediocre albums, compounded by 2005's paper thin Stand Up. An album that sounds like a band trying to have fun, but who have become too lazy to write songs that are actually fun.
Fast forward to 2009 after the unfortunate death of saxophonist LeRoi Moore. Death is always some sort of a catalyst for art but I find conjecturing about it's relevance as a means to success distasteful. It is a powerful agent of change, needless to say, and represents a major signpost and moment of reflection for any long-lived group. And, I believe, what happened next would either signify the group's death or it's rebirth, rarely ever is there an in-between.
Because I used to consider myself a fan I felt at least a little compelled to check out their next project and give it a fair yea or nay. Even with the jaded attitude that comes from two or three albums worth of downhill disappointment (and its effect on my first listening) I have to admit it wasn't difficult at all to allow myself to be absorbed by the mood of this album. Where with Stand Up and Busted Stuff I was either grasping desperately for something to love or trying to remember why a song was good. With Big Whiskey I'm able (for the first time in a long time) to sit and enjoy the flow of the overall work. You can tell that the band is finally relaxed and making natural decisions in their songwriting.
Dave says this is their best album. Clearly that isn't the case. Before These Crowded Streets is untouchable, a once-in-a-lifetime sort of album that captures the entire group at their pinnacle. That's not to take away from what they've done here though. Big Whiskey is a return, of sorts, to renewed interest...at the very least. Maybe not in the same ballpark as the original three but certainly a step up from the bottom of the barrel they've been scraping the last few studio outings. Some of the issues that I believe keep this material short of excellence are; the lazily authored lyrical content (nothing new as far as Dave is concerned but it's probably better if he just keeps mumbling like he used to), their inclination toward attention deficient pop stylings that often forgo the subtle in favor of the "jam". And finally, the "official" exclusion of Boyd Tinsley who hasn't been relevant to a Dave Matthews Band album since 2000 and all but disappears here, leaving us with the Dave Matthews Trio. It's not the same Band anymore and it's certainly not the same understated Tim Reynolds either. No longer can we as fans fantasize about reclaiming the glory days of the "old sound" because it's gone. What they have found, fortunately, is a new magic that they can call their own. One that might be enough to light their creative fires for the forseeable future.

Dave Matthews Band Big Whiskey & Groo Grux King: 7.875/10

6.03.2009

This isn't a Stick-Up, It's a Freak Out

After looking over my current bank statement I began thinking about the exciting possibility of robbing a bank. It seemed only natural I thought to go directly to the source. But I wanted to steer clear of the boring and predictable armed robbery route so I decided to try something that was crazy, but not so crazy that a jury of my peers would send me to the gas chamber of secrets...
After weighing several options... such as; a reverse pyramid scheme, something involving a hot air balloon and or gyrocopter, asking nicely while gradually increasing in desperation, and a plan to turn every employee into an accomplice by blackmailing them with photos I would doctor on MS Paint...I finally decided on constructing an elaborate heist based on a good old-fashioned, P-Funk freak out.
Activities that are normally mundane such as following yellow brick roads and touring candy factories are often turned into freak fests when they're combined with certain "elements", and by elements I mean drugs...and the exploitation of those suffering from their effects by subjecting them to jarring contrasts of happy and surreal. So, why not wield that power in a way that's beneficial to me.
Here's the plan, as read by the formerly deceased Vincent Price:

The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzly ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom

Yes. I just copied that from Thriller. Anyway, cowering in anticipation and be-wonderment the bank denizens will gasp and clutch their children as the glass doors dramatically open; revealing I (sporting a cane and top hat) and four or five midgets emerging from the purple haze. Tip-toeing at first, sneaking through the shroud of smoke to the sound of rattling change and printed receipts. Stepping in time with my gun-wielding Munchkins, and Oompas and Ewoks until the famous bass line of Pink Floyd's Money starts in.
Thump, bum-ba-dum...
In perfect synchronous terror we skip and prance two by two among the bystanders with money bags outstretched. Without a word the helpless and awestruck victims drop their valuables inside while the ghoulish parade continues before their eyes. Midgets appear from drawers and handbags and suddenly the room is flooded with bizarre creatures from all rings of hell. Here the come jesters, 1, 2, 3...
Plasticine porters with looking glass ties...crystal blue persuasion...incense and peppermints...fire walk with me! The walls begin to melt...goo-goo-ga-choo.
Meanwhile I begin to recite Wonka's wonderous boat ride speech.
"I'm high on the drugs!" screams an elderly woman as she throws herself out the nearest window.
And still, not a single word of protest or ultimatum given, because even the bravest of men do not want their linens soiled by the greasy hands of a gnome. The security guard stands poised inches away from the alarm but is frozen, and may never recover, and may never testify. For he knows that:


Up the airy mountain
Down the rushy glen,
We daren't go a-hunting,
For fear of little men.


It's that simple! And then off I scamper with a briefcase full of loot to catch the next flight to Ooomp-Loompa Land.

5.21.2009

The Coming Advances in Weekday Avoidance

If there's one thing people generally don't enjoy it's their jobs. Even if they say they like their work they're lying, or covering up the fact that they have nothing else to live for. Alright, that may be a tad harsh as a blanket statement of fact, but what is true is that our society has become firmly rooted in the quagmire-like dystopia as predicted by Marx in regards to capitalism. If say, in the 19th century people were detached and unsatisfied with their interaction with industrial machines and mass production, then how are we to feel now in the digital age? We still rarely encounter, have a connection to, or any notion as to the destination of our final product. But what's worse is that there is no product. It's all in some country most people don't know exists. Today the average job involves sending and receiving, customer relation, finances, sorting and sorting...in short: a middle-man for residual effect of a product that was likely created thousands of miles away with little to no input from yourself, and then being forced to feign excitement and firsthand knowledge in it's eventual pimping to the masses.

And so here's the deal; with the majority of our workforce sitting on the sidelines of the creative sphere (the "natural", primitive desire to produce through trade and craft as a means of not only support but also a satisfying means to spend the major portion of our days) we are left with only one important question for the future: how do we skip to the weekend? And as even our most banal of information jobs are continually outsourced, the question becomes even more pertinent.
"Weekday avoidance" will soon become a major issue in future presidential elections and it's time that we start addressing the issue head on.
Contrary to popular opinion I'm not a wizard, nor a prophet...that would be sacrilegious. I have no answer to this puzzle, but I do have a few outrageous solutions that would benefit us all, especially me, who will be rich beyond your wildest dreams when it comes to fruition.
Here is the list...patent pending...
1. Clones - unethical, per say. Only to be used as a last resort so long as we can prove they don't have souls.
2. Robots - a more viable, conscience friendly option. Anyone who chooses this would have to first buy their own personal "W.O.R.K.I.E" (Weekend Ovoidance Killroy Industrial Employobot) and pay all the attributable taxes and upkeep fees. The only downside to this is that if they happen to develop a "ghost" in their "machine", an independent intelligence, and realize they're being used to make hamburgers and telemarketing calls, they're going to be very pissed off...resulting in our long dreaded robot holocaust.
2.5. Cyborgs - All the advantages of Robots and Clones without (as many of) the ethical burdens and possibilities of our own massacre. Downside: they're usually really ugly. Bad for customer service.
3. Time travel - Always a possibility is that we could simply wake up on a Monday and take our personal time traveling vehicles to 5 pm on Friday. This option is filled with all kinds of problems, however. If John Doe gets to Friday and realizes that his weekday self has gunned down his office in a fit of rage, or sexually harassed a co-worker, what happens when he decides to fix it? Yep, see, the fabric of space/time would be torn like a Kleenex after the first day. Unless of course safe guards could be placed on when and where you could go. "Fridays Only!" Still...
4. Memory erasers - When the week is over just zap away the mind numbingly boring memories of the week! This is interesting but seems redundant since it's essentially what people try to do when the week is over anyway. And then there are all those details that might be valuable to remember; wedding dates, births of children, surgeries. Added up these would cause society to go haywire rapidly. Forget this one.
5. Rapping genies with attitudes - oh yeah! Wish #1: that I can get fired from my job!...Wish #2: that it'd be the freakin' weekend twenty-four hours a day! Wish #3: more wishes!

And finally, 6. Let the alcohol industry grow exponentially by instituting a week long "weekend bender". Everyone wins! The only trade off is that it would promote the denigration of our values, culture and government since it would basically place booze industry lobbyists in the seats of all major power...and none of us wants Jimmy Buffet as our commander and chief.

Five excellent options for us to ponder. Think about it, will you?

*I am not responsible for any deaths that may occur in the deployment of said ideas.

5.05.2009

Forgotten Video Games Chapter 2

Prince's Around the World in a Day RPG for the Super Nintendo/1990/single player/rated mature.

Never one to be outdone The Artist released a video game of his own on the heels of Michael Jackson's "personally designed" Moonwalker arcade game for the Sega Genesis. However, Prince took his game in a much different direction, a sexier direction...relying on a combination of RPG elements, frou-frou mini games and graphic, adult themed cut scenes contrasting Moonwalker's beat-em-up style of play. These "stylistic choices" likely doomed the game from the start since it relegated its release to shady retailers and the Prince Fan Club Merchandise Catalog, causing it to become one of the most sought after SNES cartridges.

The storyline for this game is based loosely on the content of the album, as well as the aborted script outline for a feature film of the same name. It revolves around the idea of Prince and his cohorts in the Revolution traveling around the world in a hot air balloon rescuing various Prince liaisons from the clutches of Morris Day and the Time, while also increasing HP by playing "gigs" in different cities. The player controls Prince as the leader of the party while simultaneously directing the actions of the posse as a whole which includes; Wendy and Lisa, Fink, Bobby Z and Brown Mark. All of whom have unique abilities that correspond with their particular instrument. As they travel amongst the whimsical landmarks of the world collecting and upgrading sexual prowess The Revolution encounter various villains of increasing difficulty in their quest to rescue Sheena E, Sheila E, Vanity and Appollia - culminating in a final showdown with Morris Day. Featured sub-bosses in the game include the other members of The Time, Terrence Trent D'arby, Shalamar, Lenny Kravitz and Ready For The World, who attempt to steal the Purple One's ideas and thus prevent him from being able to put on a good show, which thus prevents him from saving his girlfriends, and thus accomplishing his goal in the allotted twenty four hours. Confusing, huh?



Of course, you may be wondering about the music? Well, as with Moonwalker this game also spared every expense. Most levels feature one of only five (that's right five) instrumental versions of assorted Prince classics (only two of which actually come from the album of same name) played repetitiously throughout the stage's completion until, by the end of which, you want 2 purify Urself at the bottom of lake Minnetonka.
Around the World in a Day
(of course) plays non-stop throughout every cut-scene and travel segment for the first three levels.
After that we hear the main verse riffs of Let's Pretend We're Married and Delirious. The only change of pace occurs when Erotic City plays as you interact with other characters; conversation that feature Prince's version of the English language (numbers 4 letters, U for you, etc).
Finally, if you ever have the inclination to get through the entire convoluted game you will be treated to a credit sequence version of Raspberry Beret in which a 16-bit Prince and friends do the dance moves from the music video, after which you hear a grainy recording of Prince saying "congratulations, you made it around the world in a day" followed by the trademark Prince shriek, your score and completion time...which in my case took well over a day. Then finally the screen goes blank, self destructing... I hope.

And there you have it... If you happen to find this elusive gem for the Super Nintendo be sure to drop a truckload of acid first.

4.30.2009

Bars...According to Sci-Fi

Take any given sci-fi film, or film about the future, and you're guaranteed to see the filmmaker's vision of what getting drunk in the future will be like. Perhaps it's a social atmosphere that's fairly easy to guesstimate concerning further developments, or a statement on the lack of developments in our quest for social highs. 2020, after all, will be filled with debauchery, and lasers, and Japanese advertising...and what better way to show it than placing our hero at a circular bar lit only by neon radiating from the countertops. Citizens of the future will enjoy exotic drinks that have smoke pouring out of them, and little crap at the bottom that you can choke on, like cashews. Since hedonism and depravity will be at its zenith I can assume that man has found a way of combining Jagermeister with opium or marijuana.
A prerequisite for employment at these establishments is that bartenders must be highly unappealing, shady types who shy away from social niceties such as hygiene and eye-contact. And who take your order only after passing judgment and grumbling obscenities under their breath. This leads to the natural conclusion that attractive young women find other more lucrative positions to help pay off their college loans. After prostitution becomes legal, I have to assume.
So, when I'm old I can plan on being huntched over my tall glass of Klingon ale, staring mindlessly into the flourescent countertop like an insect while getting eye cancer and a nice tan, wishing I hadn't married that replicant who keeps asking "what is...love?"
Which I guess is why men have flocked to local wells since the beginning of time. But now there is the added incentive of escaping the prowling eyes of the internet and infotainment sensory overload. Just a man and his volcanic drink, paid for with hard earned credits, mixed with loving care by the ex-con behind the counter.

4.27.2009

All-Star Musical Tributes Usually Aren't Good

Americans love people that are better than they are: Superheroes, Royalty, British royalty, French royalty, the French, Eskimos, Pirates, and especially Celebrities. Since we're supposed to be the most awesome country ever we naturally idolize those among us who happen to be more beautiful, successful, talented and wealthy. We also love cramming as many stars as we can into confined spaces like awards shows, charity events, all-star games and golf tournaments. There's an irresistible allure to the prospect of glimpsing into their natural habitats and discovering how they truly are when they "act casual". Which is why we also love tabloids; nothing brings out a person's true colors as effectively as when they are forced to constantly flee the prying eyes of paparazzi.
The ego is the imagined "aura" of someone's persona, it's what makes them larger than life. It's what helped them rise above the competition. But we always take it too far, get greedy and want to see the best of the best compete, to see who the bestest of the bestestser really is. Except it doesn't work that way. Ego naturally battles itself for control and leadership and nothing illustrates this problem more than the predictable train-wrecks that occur when rock-stars pack the stage for an all-star musical tribute.
Movies with a copious amount of stars are generally self-serving and low on substance, but at least they aren't trying to feign sympathy or rally support for: a country in Africa, a war in the mid-east, Tibet, or a recently deceased legend. Films and sports, no matter how clustered they are. still come nowhere close to the awkward ham-fistery of when a handful of washed up, billboard top-40 musicians are contractually obligated to appear on stage so that they can utterly defile a previously liked song from the 60's or 70's.
The lights dim, the host politely introduces the act and rushes off stage to the wet bar. The string arrangement swells and a song of ambiguous social meaning starts in. The cameraman begins to sweat and his instrument malfunctions as it is unable to compute the massive input of relevance radiating from the stage. "Where do I focus!?" It pleads as it pans and zooms erratically from one self-important pop-singer to the other. Nervously, the next in line, most likely Sheryl Crow (permanent fixture of tribute concerts/most generic recording artist in history behind Michael McDonald) nervously fidgets with his or her microphone as they prepares to take over the next verse of whatever Beatles song they're pillaging, and dazzle the world with their inspired rendition.
"It is I who will save this next part from the garbage heap, bow before me Bono! This is why you all love meeeee"
Hey! Look! It's the guy from Maroon 5, surely he can revive the dance portion of this song. The running man? No. It's the cabbage patch! Clutch.
If youth can't prevail then perhaps a crusty, aging, rock & roll front man will be able to squeeze some juice out of this lemon.
...and then there's Norah "deer in the headlights" Jones looking terrified as usual, wondering how she keeps getting conned into being a pop star. Wait, how did Brian Wilson get on stage? Where's his wrangler?
The pageant of mediocrity continues to the bitter end as Scott Weiland basks in the spotlight trying out his new David Bowie impersonation.
And just as all hope seems to be lost, and no amount of singular talent could seem to reconcile the matter, a leprechaunish figure descends from the rafters. Could it be?
Phil Collins! He can make this worth while, for sure. If not, there's always Ringo Starr on speed dial.

4.26.2009

Today's Music Q&A

Q: for: Michael Jackson,

What does "Shah-Mogh" mean?


A: "Well I'm glad you ask, Brett. It's a word I made up one day while I was climbing the dreaming tree. It has many different meanings. It comes from the soul and expresses the power and history and suppression of my people. Sometimes it means "SOME MORE! WOO!" as in, I need some more loving. Or "I need more bass in the left monitor." Other times it could mean "Coome OooN!" I use it that way when I'm wearing leather pants and I'm like, "beat it, the chid is not my son. Shah-Mogh!" or when I see the things that we do to the environment, it's like, "Ca'Mooohn! Mmph!"
It's also a word of liberation and freedom. Freedom from the system and recording contracts, like when Free Willy tries to escape Sea World by jumping over that kid so he can be with his own kind in the sea. Or freedom from persistent women like Diana and Billie Jean, or other various pretty young things who won't stop trying to make me their baby daddy.
Another important aspect of the word is its power to keep Paul McCartney out of my recording studio. "Paul, stay the hell out of my recording studio. Your music sucks. SHAH-MOGH!" Then I point a sparkly-gloved finger sending my magical, moonwalker vibes in his direction.
I can't even begin to tell you the countless volumes he would stuff in my mailbox, endless proposals for new duets between us. But there you have it, anyway, the story behind sha-mogh. I hope it brings a little magic into your own life and vocabulary. Eeeeh-Heee!"

Q: for: James Taylor,

Why do you randomly show up at the end of Steve Winwood's "Back in the High Life"?

A: "I don't know. But I made more money singing those five words than you will in your entire life. Peace out, holmes."

4.21.2009

Open Invitation to the Aliens

This is a question on all our minds, it is the 21st century after all...hey, where the aliens at? Are we not good enough for invasion and subsequent harvest? Are we not fat enough to be used as living batteries? What's the deal? My self-esteem is starting to wane. Sure, we may not have anything cool to trade with you but we would make pretty good slaves, and we'll throw in Bjork as added bonus Eh? How 'bout it?
What's that? You have robots for that? It's unethical? You don't want Bjork back? Fine.
You don't have to be so timid, I saw you creeping around that Mexican kid's birthday party in Signs, you looked lonely. I mean there are plenty of weird people who would gladly volunteer to be subjected (or be sacrificed) to your probes.
Oh, I get it. Your civilization just-so-happened to develop interplanetary travel as its first major achievement in the same way that we discovered fire. Right. You don't have any communications devices or gear to survive in our atmosphere. You're just little-naked-green-men who gallivant around the Milky Way in your tin saucers like sightseeing jackasses. Well this tourist attraction ain't free, get it? We want more fossil fuels and we know you have it.
Hmm, perhaps we have it all wrong. Perhaps it's our mission as planet earth to find the nearest inhabitable planet that's still in the Bronze age and crush them, mercilessly, thus fulfilling the galaxy's need for someone, somewhere, to be invaded. The Martian cousin of Francisco Pizarro will be on his way to conquer their equivalent of the Incas when we show up, and his mind will be thoroughly blown.
The great futurist George Lucas might have foreseen correctly in his depiction of very-white imperialists enslaving alien cultures, we have had a lot of practice at it. It seems it is you then that should be cowering in fear.

I give up. Stop calling my house and I won't have to go through with that restraining order.

4.20.2009

The Current State of Chairs

As we all know, chairs have been around since the dawn of time. Abraham used them to lead the children of Israel to the promised land of Canaan, Mark Twain made them famous by dying in one, and were most likely enjoyed by Caesar as he whipped the backs of slaves. They're just a natural by-product of human relaxation; man finds wood, man makes chair, chair bore Ug! Ug want arm rest and gentle forward to back movement!
And he saw that it was good...because it's truly elemental. It soothes the inner infant. It keeps the blood flowing and promotes a healthy bowel movement.
Which brings me to the point, which is, why has chair technology development been so stagnant the last 500 years? Was the "rocking" design truly so flawless in approach that man needn't consider further possibilities? Even so, where were the charlatans with their proposed upgrades over the years?

"I think it's Because people use recliners and magic-fingers now if they require prolonged comfort."

Shut up, is what I think...

Here's what I've got in mind, (aside from my conspiracy theories about the Amish) as I peer into the near future and my own imagination I see various feasible options for the next step in the chairs' evolutionary process.
Phase One: the Chair
Phase Two: the Rocking Chair
And, get this, Phase Three will be the "Magnet Chair". Magnets, that is the correct answer.
People will simply consume more zinc and iron in their NASA regulated diets, and a specially arranged array of super-magnets will repulse the person just enough that they relax comfortably suspended in mid air. Of course this will cause massive internal tissue damage and such, but whatever.

4.12.2009

Sophistopop: The Forgotten Learning Tool

I have no children and thus am not concerned with the education of children, nevertheless I have recently begun to wonder about the disappearance of old but valuable educational tools from my own past, specifically late 80's and 90's "Sophistopop". Smooth jazz with pop sensibilities. An uplifting melding of nonchalant vocals, synth string and horn sections, piano and gated drums.
Kids music has always relied on the general formula of obnoxious repetition and "singing the round" where weird puppets toss parts of a song back and forth, scaring children into remembering important facts.
Weird puppet creature: "Alright kids, whatcha-gonna do when you see a power socket!?"
Children: "Cover it up with duct tape and dial nine-one-one!"
All: "YAY!"
And then a magical dance ensues.

Maybe it's a more "social", group oriented form of reception, but extensive government based research (and A Clockwork Orange) has demonstrated that lulling the subject into a comforting state and bombarding them with a series of images is very effective. And this is where the power of sophistopop comes into play.

In the early 90's it was very fashionable and common for Sesame Street and other similar shows to have segments where artsy fartsy animated "music videos" were accompanied by songs like the classic "Breakout" by Swingout Sister, "I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz, "Walking on Broken Glass", "The Captain of Her Heart", "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" or later material from Siouxsie & The Banshees. In other words, "mall-walking music" (where the best of educations used to occur). All of which begin with the womb-like comfort and brain melting smoothness of minor chord synthesizer intros. And then, after the child has been reeled in by the happy-go-lucky tempo it crescendos up and, BAM!, the message kicks in. The sweet, uplifting message of introspective wisdom.
So, there you have it. Bring this back and thank me later. The world will be filled with lots of socially unajusted children who like to sit and gaze out the window while wondering what the meaning of it all is.

4.05.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 5-1

#5 J.K. Robertson TIME CHASERS (821)
"Hi, I'm Bob Evil!"
My personal favorite of all the MST baddies, George Woodard delivers an excellently evil performance as the CEO of Gencorp, big business hell bent on turning Nick Miller's time traveling Cessna into a weapon of corporate greed. "What did you think we were gonna do!? Take kids on history trips!?"
J.K. reigns over his evil empire from his offices at the local branch library where appointments are met with a ghastly circus mirror hanging above the entrance. And like any powerful man he has his own personal crony and right hand man to herald his will; Matthew Paul, a.k.a "Pink Boy"; Whom J.K. shoots with an Uzi after he refuses to kill prisoners. "Hey Matt, you're fired!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Never a man of subtlety, evil seems to seep from his pores in a manner paralleled only by the #2 choice on this list.

#4 Fat Man/NoviCorp Chairman OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (822)

"FINGAL! YOU ARE MINE!...with Bearnaise sauce!"
It's "Winston Churchill's mobbed up brother Vito". The Fat Man, Chairman of NoviCorp, his zealous protection of company interests is rivaled only by his monstrous appetite. In this classic, lower budget, PBS predecessor to Johnny Mnemonic starring Raul Julia, the Fat Man attempts to derail Fingal's efforts to hack the NoviCorp system by sitting around and screaming a lot. He screams at Appallonia, he screams at Fingal, and in between he has a pork roast or three.
"TO WENDY'S!"

#3 Phantom of Krankor PRINCE OF SPACE (816)
"Hagh! Hagh! Hagh! Ye SCUM!" The Phantom of Krankor isn't really unique at all, I mean there were hundreds of badly costumed "space men" invading earth in the 50's but the Phantom simply out does them all in terms of sheer buffoonery. If you've seen it then I don't have to elaborate but he fails at evil in every conceivable way because he simply has no collective memory. He cannot ever seem to remember that "the Prince of Space cannot be harmed by enemy weapons!" Geez. At least he's persistent.


#2 Kalgon SPACE MUTINY (820)
Kalgon is one of those rare villains who surpasses even the snidely whiplashes of melodrama. His neuroses trump the common motives of movie-villaindom and he exists on his own bizarre plane of bad wiring caused by space scurvy or something.
On the other hand, though, he loves to laugh! In fact everything related to his treacherous plot he finds incredibly hilarious. Don't get him and his paintball henchman started, they'll go on for hours about much of a riot it is to be stuck drifting in space for eternity.


#1 Torgo 'MANOS' THE HANDS OF FATE (424)
Ah, Torgo! What's there to say that hasn't already been said, or written. A no-brainer for the number one spot Torgo is the lovable, awkwardly unstable, peeping tom inn-keeper that makes "Manos" one of the great bad movies of all time.
Viva la Torgo!








HONORABLE MENTIONS...
The Prince Look-a-like in "Agent for HARM"














Jack Palance and his fantastic mushroom hat in "Outlaw of Gor"














Donald Pleasence in "Warrior from the Lost World" and "Puma Man"












The Eye Creatures from film of same name. "YAWN!"














IT from "It Conquered the World".













The Teenager from Outer Space who really wants to..."TORTURE!".
Robert Denby, the world's most elusive man (Riding With Death)
and of course, David Warner, who plays both villain and mentor in the classic fantasy romp Quest of the Delta Knights.
And there you have it. Thanks for reading!

4.04.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 10-6

#10 Yuri WEREWOLF (904)
"Hey everyone, free samples of me!"
By far the greasiest of all b-movie villains Yuri smarms all those who oppose his diabolical plan to unleash new hair styles on each unsuspecting scene. Gray hair, spiky hair, "Brian Ferry hair", slicked back...literally nothing is off limits.







#9 The Master 'MANOS' THE HANDS OF FATE (424)
The great high priest and vessel for the will of "Manos". Greatly disturbed. His disapproval knows no bounds, he is The Master.
This lovable Frank Zappa impersonator is unique in the annals of b-moviedom in that he never really has any encounters with the protagonists. Mostly he relies on the ceremonial power of the underworld, and the help of his vastly incompetent caretaker Torgo to usher in the heinous dystopia of the god "Manos". In his "Valley Looge" compound he tricks white, middle class vacationers into becoming part of his cult worship circle which apparently consists of Mary Kay consultants and greasy alcoholics.

#8 Ortega THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES... (812)
The famous Ortega! The prototype for carnies everywhere. Mr. Ortega doesn't possess the usual signs or ambitions of being an "evil" person, however, he makes this list in great part because he's the totally callous sort. No longer deriving any sadistic pleasure, or displaying any kind of possible inner conflict, Ortega simply perpetrates evil deeds because he's bored. Meh, he says, the Gypsy woman is always yelling for the acid while my stories are on! Grumble, grumble.

#7 Satoris THE FINAL SACRIFICE (910)
One sure sign of a person's morality is their voice. Annunciation, depth, and slowness all let the viewer know that they can safely root against the person. Anyone who speaks from the base of their throat is guaranteed to be under the influence of satan. And so be Satoris, the f-list Darth Vader. This guy has big things in store for Canada. First, after killing a dweebie teenage boy and a hockey-haired alcoholic, he plans on taking over the country and installing a white supremacist dictatorship enforced by a handful of his masked wrestler buddies.

#6 Jonathan Cooper MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1003)
"My reviews have destroyed entire cities!"
Jonathan Cooper is one of your more down-to-earth antagonists in that his only goal is to belittle his barren-wombed wife and write scathing reviews of local shops. One in particular happens to be owned by Merlin and his oafish wife. After threatening to destroy his business' credibility Merlin gives him a book of magic spells which subsequently cause him to; age rapidly, scorch a cat, have a brief encounter with the devil, and then finally age backwards until he is just an infant being raised by his wife.
"MERLIN I LOVE YOOOOUUU!"

3.29.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 15-11

#15 June and Paul THE LEECH WOMAN (802)
Ah, June and Paul. The embodiment of failed, corrosive marriages everywhere. In one corner we have Dr. Paul: sarcastic, manipulative, ego-maniacal, takes pleasure at his wife's displeasure.
June: raging alcoholic, loves the booze, despises her husband yet desperately seeks his approval. Places all self-worth in her appearance which is starting to deteriorate, thus causing Paul to lose all sexual interest in her.
This dynamic duo of deep seeded bitterness and backbiting are two of the truly evil villains to grace this list!


#14 Soultaker and the Angel of Death SOULTAKER (1001)
Joe Estevez and Robert Z'dar team up for a powerhouse performance in SOULTAKER, the unintentionally funny, less entertaining version of Ghost Dad. It makes me wonder how no one besides Ingmar Bergman thought of the idea earlier. In most horror films the bad guys usually try to kill people. But so what? It's not like they're determining the fate of their victim's immortal souls...until now!
The most chilling aspect of this film: the realization that you're not dealing with the usual Estevez or Sheen.


#13 Satan THE UNDEAD (806)
Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, a common fixture in the movies of mst3k. Of all his incarnations in the b-movie world, including his feud with Santa Claus, I think his finest moment was his appearance in the Leonard Maltin favorite "The Undead". Here Satan is at his most elf-like, a spry, young, devilish upstart looking forward to grabbing those souls. In the slightly memorable introduction scene the devil warns us about something happening to someone or something...I dunno, he's very emphatic about it though.

#12 Sheriff SQUIRM (1012)
The country-cracker sheriff, white as snow, life-long klan member and (like Satan) a very common element in the low budget film. There are in fact a number of memorably bad members of law enforcement that could have made this list. But of them all one holds a special place in my heart, the weird albino sheriff from the worm horror film Squirm.
As everybody knows perfectly well small town law is deathly suspicious of outsiders, especially if they're from the opposing side in the war of northern aggression. You step outta line with your alien Yankee ways and there'll be a deep fried boot up yer @$ before you can say "Egg Cream".

#11 Parrot/Sloth Alien NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (701)
There are many giant turds meant to pass as movie monsters but few match the poor/nonexistent level of craftsmanship employed in the making of the Blood Beast, who looks like a wad of gum after a trip through a vacuum cleaner. Contrasting his utterly pathetic visual quality is the exotic alien voice of Richard Keilly, or some equally bad 1950's American overdub.

In Search of Thunder Island: Starring Jay Ferguson


Hello, lovers, I'm Jay Ferguson, 1970's superstar and Jimmy Buffett protege. You might remember me from such classic hit as Thunder Island. Join me on the Travel Channel as I journey across America in search of those private retreats, those reclusive love-making hideaways, slices of paradise, villa-de-la-scandalosa in sexy, faraway, unexpected places.
Due to overwhelming fan inquiry episode one sheds the spotlight on my own hidden sex bungalow located in Bowen's Corner New York. 2000 acres of prime bungle jungle. I'll show you my favorite tree to make time under...it's near a pond, where the fish lives. Join me, will you. And remember, love is cold but it has its magic moments. Vaya con dios, dreamers!




Top 31 MST3K Villains: 20-16

#20 Killer Shrews KILLER SHREWS (407)
I only have a vague notion of what exactly a shrew is, if it's even a real creature at all. I think it might just be a relative of the snipe, something you can apparently tame, but I do know for sure they don't look like nasty, paper mache' "real fur" cats you buy at garage sales or find in old ladies' bathrooms. Even more un-shrew-like is the films' use of domestic dogs draped in shag carpeting when the oddly constructed puppets won't do.




#19 Grandma TOUCH OF SATAN (908)
"Call me Ms. Margaret Rawhide Chew". What's more lovable than a senile grandmother? How about one that murders your super-70's, Ryan O'Neil-lly boyfriends, and sheriffs and anyone else who wanders on to your property!
Her back story is that she was burned as a witch and thus really isn't anyone's grandma, but unlike numerous other b-movie revenge seeking monsters, she kills indiscriminately. Why shouldn't all mankind be punished for the atrocities committed against her!

#18 Trumpy POD PEOPLE (303)
Yes, it's Trumpy! E.T.'s homicidal, Mexican cousin! And like E.T., Trumpy has a naive little boy who follows him around. The kid in this film though suffers from an irreparable, life crippling disillusionment that makes him think everything the Pod People do (including killing van loads of horny teenagers) utterly fantastic and wonderful! Complimenting his star-struck attitude is a poorly dubbed voiceover done by an adult woman.




#17 The Great Vorelli and Hugo
DEVIL DOLL (818)
Bryant Haliday (The Projected Man) is back, and this time he really hates his puppet. But who doesn't hate puppets? They're third behind carnies and clowns on the devil scale. Not to mention Hugo has no personality whatsoever, he just responds to his master's constant taunting and criticisms in a bland, monotone voice. "Gimme wine! Why can't I have wine!?" Well, Hugo won't take this kind of second class treatment for long, soon he will turn the tables on the treachurous Vorelli and drink all the wine he pleases!

#16 Gypsy Woman
THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES... (812)
"FEELTHY PEEG!"
Yes it's Elizabeth Taylor as the Gypsy in "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies".

A word of caution, never reject the advances of weird gypsy psychics, they will throw acid on your face and call you a filthy pig.

3.26.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 25-21

#25 The Martians SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (321)
There are few things in this world more evil than kidnapping Santa. Few would attempt it, fearing for their very souls. Only the godless heathens who live on Mars could even conceive such a thing. In this sweeping epic a group of technologically superior green men, with their technologically advanced pith helmets that circulate oxygen around their brains, invade the north pole. But their plans begin to falter as a potential coup d'etat springs up in their ranks. Lead by the Carl Youstremski-mustached Voldar, his faction wants to keep Santa's tom-foolery away from the children of Mars. But the Martian Leader Kimar, at the behest of his nagging wife, desires to bring Saint Nick to the Red Planet.

#24 Truxartis DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (703)
Truxartis, he could be your uncle or your high school shop teacher, he's just that average. He's just sort-of evil, an understated, humble evil. His blandness is unparalleled. In fact, there's not much that distinguishes him as the bad guy in this film other than his constant yelling, and the fact that the movie wants us to believe he's an arch nemesis of some kind.




#23 Zor CAVE DWELLERS (301)
Beware the mullet of Zor.

Ah, Zor. What to say about Zor. Zor, Zor, Zor. Zor makes this list because of his impecible fu man chu mustache and ability to stretch out sentences and emphasize words as to make even the most banal of statements seem profound. His strange fascination with Ator and the uncomfortable tension between them makes Zor unique as an antagonist in that he seems to be battling the hero out of begrudement over their former relationship.



#22 MacPhearson SPACE MUTINY (820)
Known more commonly as Robbie Robertson, MacPhearson is the sleazier right hand man to Kalgon. And like Kalgon he can't seem to make it through a sentence without laughing hysterically at the prospect of perpetrating evil deeds. As Kalgon's first lieutinent, MacPhearson's duties include managing poorly acted scenes regarding the mutinous plot, limping aimlessly around the ship's boiler room, and getting roasted alive by the hero.




#21 Psycho ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (604)
Let me just say that Psycho makes Biff and Jimmy and Johnny look like good citizens. He is the patron saint of 80's teen baddies. The embodiment of the "I-don't-care, I'm gonna leave nerds in the dust, especially if they're goin' to school like nerds" attitude. Leather jacket...check. Awesome ride...check. Finely permed do...check. Hit-and-runs old women and children with his Pontiac Firebird...CHECK!
There's nothing this depraved youth wouldn't do to get back at his old man who drinks every night!

3.24.2009

Rock & Roll Wisdom: Oh Sheila

"Like they always say,
what's good for the goose is always good for the gander...oh sheyluh."

3.22.2009

Top 31 MST3K Villains: 31-26

Ineffectual; the one word that best describes the kind of villainy portrayed in the films of Mystery Science Theater. Characters who were born with a fanatical propensity for being (or at least trying to be) evil. Except there's one problem, they suck at it. In your average film these guys would be hard pressed to make it as a mere crony. If conflict is drama then these protagonist's miscalculations, buffoonery and poorly executed designs are obstacles akin to a rainy day, or a flat tire. But what places these nuisances in the pantheon of low-grade movie antagonist history are precisely those things; if Darth Vader and the Wicked Witch take the main route to achieving their fiendish plan, our villains leave behind a map and a trail of crumbs for the hero to follow...then stop every thirty seconds for a hearty, sinister laugh, or to awkwardly fondle or snicker snag someone to death.
And now, a list of what I think are the thirty greatest villains of MST3K...

#31 Giant Beau Bridges and Posse
VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (523)
In this bizarre, Disney-esque romp, teenage Beau Bridges and crew steal a growth elixir from Ron Howard and his brother played by Tommy Kirk. With their newly discovered authority the first thing our misunderstood youths decide to do is terrorize the neighborhood with a long, slow motion dance scene. In this dazzling five minute sequence (choreographed by Toni Basil) the giant teens seek their revenge on player haters by forcing the crowd below to witness their awful, ultra-white display of what passed for dancing in the 60's. After said slow-motion orgy, Beau and Company retreat to the local theater which they have now designated their headquarters, where they sit, eating tiny buckets of chicken while Beau Bridges delivers his snide-iest, most condescending performance ever.

#30 Imp THE UNDEAD (806)
I think Crow put it best: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"
There's not much to be said, this strange little imp man only appears briefly in the film, playing second fiddle, of course, to Satan himself (who appears later in this list) but never-the-less manages to leave his hideous, lollipop guild features ingrained on my retinas.




#29 Turtle Aliens
LASERBLAST (706)
Their goal: recover the stolen laser. Their target: the blast-happy hippie and his shaggin' waggin'...
If only it were that easy. For the duration of the film we occasionally check back on the progress of the two aliens and see that their mission has quickly gone awry, rendering them totally irrelevant to the plot. After taking numerous wrong turns, bickering amongst themselves and dealing with faulty equipment, they finally re-appear out of nowhere in the last scene, killing the main character, and thus restoring order to whatever it was that was supposed to be happening...or something.


#28 Carlo Lombardi THE SHE CREATURE (808)

SLEEEEEP! Yes, it's Carlo Lombardi; master hypnotist and professional Slim Whitman impersonator. Mr. Lombardi's evil deeds are greasy, controlling, manipulative and (in general) quite vague. As the main antagonist in She Creature he (like Hitler, sort of) makes the mistake of fighting a two front war. On one hand he must elude law enforcement as they investigate his killer, pet ghost-lobster (aka "The She Creature") that he has unleashed on seemingly random individuals, for seemingly no purpose other than to say that he predicted it... or something. On the other front Lombardi must battle the professionally dull Dr. Lance Fuller as he attempts to rescue Lombardi's female assistant from his hypnotic stranglehold. "Love me! Love me and SLEEEP!"
 

#27 Paul THE PROJECTED MAN (901)
Beware the heinous treachery of...Paul! Respectable scientist turned two-face killer. He seeks revenge on certain investors who pulled the funding from his latest project, which was to build a laser that could transport physical objects to other locations, like Wonka's Chocolavision. Using his hideously scarred right hand Paul sets fire to the homes of young women, and blue collar cockney types who have nothing to do with the plot. It seems as though the accident has damaged the side of his brain that remembers who exactly he was supposed to be taking vengence upon.

#26 The Assassin DANGER! DEATH RAY (620)
Abe Lincoln: Assassin.
For some vague reason this hit man is sent to eliminate our main character, the secret agent. He appears in only a handful of scenes but the amazing level of incompetence he displays as a killer made it impossible to not include him here. With great ease Bart (the secret agent) foils each and every one of his poorly planned attempts, until finally, in one memorable scene, the assassin shows up at his hotel room disguised as room service. After his ruse is uncovered and him foiled, he leaps to tackle the hero who (standing in front of a balcony window) simply sidesteps as Mr. Lincoln plummets to his death below.