"Please Don't Go, Janet" by Will McCorkle

I will miss Bill as he goes but I will hate to see Janet Reno go. What an inspiring leader! The burning of the davidians cult at Waco, the way she sent young Elian back to the commies of Cuba. Janet, we will miss the way you did your hair, your wonderful feminine features, your love for foreigners. Please don't go janet, please don't go!

New Theory About the Antichrist by Will McCorkle

After much study and thought on this complex issue, I have come to the conclusion that the antichrist will not be an American or Palestinian. He will be a European. So watch out Europe, evil is approaching.

Here are my top 7 reasons I have come to this conclusion.

1. Europeans are always next to the best (AMERICA)
2. Europeans are conceded heathens
3. Europeans are counterfeit
4. Europeans are very "religous"
5. Europe is the next worse thing to hell
6. Europeans don't have room to think for themselves
7. And Finally, Europeans are all evil

Colonel Sanders: The Life of a Japanese Spy

Who is this Kentucky colonal chicken emporer? How did this squinty eyed entrepreneur become the king of chicken, and How did was this John Hammond look-a-like able to get the money to finance his poutry kingdom? On September 9 1890, Colonal "Harland Sanders" aka Harishimo Sao-dee was born in "Henryville, Indiana" aka Hiroshima, Japan. Age ten was was when he most likely began working for the Japanese government where he was paid $2 a month. He evaded government suspicion by joining the army where he was stationed in Cuba. While he was there he would sit by the road waving a sign to passing tourists, "will trade government secrets nad fried chicken for food". One day while in Cuba he was lost in the jungle, starving, and searching for food. Here was where it all started. He clubbed a chicken and cooked it using spices he found in the jungle. So, between the selling of government secrets and Chicken he was making a good living. But it wasn't enough for this greedy man, from there he went on to several other jobs such as a railroad fireman, lawyer, sold insurance, piloted a river boat, sold tires and operated service stations. With his squinty eyes and hypnotizing charm he conned people all throughout all his travels. His big break finally came when one day in 1955, when he was living in South carolina there was a loud crash out by his barn and he felt the ground shake. He looked outside and saw the object had totally demolished his barn he limped over, peered inside and because of his military training immediatly recognized what it was. A nuclear bomb had fallen on his house that had obviously not gone off. After reporting that the US had faulty weapons, he was given $105 which he used to start his first KFC restaraunt which later in 1973 he sold for $2 million.

The Future of the Soft Drink and Its Deadly Advocate, Caffeine

Today people drink soft drinks like Coke, Mountain dew and Dr. Pepper and think nothing of it. But one day things will be much different, drinking colas will have an age limit like beer. One day in the future, a much happier future, parents will tell their children stories of how caffeine was legal, and how they drank it freely at young ages. Children of the future will only drink naturally gelapitated fruit products.
Too much beer makes people who drink it depressed, violent and can cause liver diseases. Too much caffeine makes kids hyper, addicted and drinking too much out of a can can cause alzheimers. I have seen the effects of overused caffeine first hand. For example, Christmas parties at school, kids sit in the corner chugging a 12 liter of prune laced Dr.Pepper trying to get a buzz and boy do they start acting strange! So enjoy your Caca Cola, Feel the joy of your Poopsi, and obey your thirst cause' in 10 years you'll have to obey your thirst with water my friend!

America's Slow Heritage

I become teary eyed and shaky kneed when I see the way people now-a-days hustle and bustle about. Lookin' all fancy with their crankless telephones and horseless carriages. If good country folk like Mark Twain, Honest Abe or Uncle Herschel were to see us today they would spin 2 1/2 times in their graves, take a sip a jack daniels and say "Slow down there chief!" When was the last we sipped some lemonade on the front porch with pappy and just watched him widdle? Or when was the last time you went down by the "crick" and watched the north fight the south? Probably never! Like a famous person(Me) once said, "It ain't how much ya can accomplish in a day, it's how much you can appreciate it."
I can remember when me and "Tom Sawyer" used to freely frolic in the flower filled fields. Usin' sticks to beat each other with, buildin' forts n' such and talkin with tin can telephones. Now kids are beatin' each other with computer games, buildin' portfolios and usin cell phones. We will probably never see the days of corn fritters n' home cookin' again. Not unless good honest country boys like Uncle Herschel, J. Edgar Hoover, Mussalini and Michael Jackson are cloned and they rise to power, restoring good ol' fashioned America!

Deja Vu all Over Again

"The clock doth so wonderfully toll from the hells bells"

Yes we all sense it at one time or another, De Ja' Vu. It is when you think you already saw a thing you just saw. Is it just a visual thing that triggers a "response" in your brain? I don't think it is. Let's look at the possibilities shall we? Since I expierience this phenomenon quite frequently, I'll give my opinion first. I think De' ja vu's are parts of dreams that you've had. More than once I have had a dream and during that day I've thought about it and told other people about it because I thought it was funny. And later that day part of the dream really happens. My de ja vus last 15 seconds sometime, most only last only 4.
The next thing that de ja vus could be would be that the "you" of from the future has come back to the present and caused a glitch in the space/ time continuum.
Or, we might all be living in the Matrix and everytime theres a de ja vu that means were all gonna die cuase there's a glitch.
Or, Aliens are using us a chess pawns and they don't like the move we just made so they "reverse" time and we really did relive a moment.
Or, Elvis' mothers ghost has retrieved a death stone from the land of Narnia and sent a green fox through a black hole with the hellish white satan elves from the land of cadillacs and dinosaurs and elvis and michael Jackson come back to the present and with wam bam boozle and koozy gouzle...*whew*! better slow down there chief. Well nevermind.
Just keep this thought in mind, the next time you expierience this gift of a relived moment, enjoy it.

The Man Who Will Never Die

He reached down with his big muscular arms of glory and extracted Cuba from the horrible poverty they were in, and created for his people a paradise. Even now we cower under the massive military power of Comarade Fidel Castro! He is loved by everyone, the 110 year old man seems to cheat death at every turn. The CIA cannot kill him, JFK could not tame his revolutionary power and the mafia could not pay him enough to for the secret recipe to his delicious cigars. He is envied by every tyranical ruler in the world, like sadaam Hussein. Children love him, it is rumored that he is going to start his own childrens show called Mr. Castro and friends. Please stop being mean to the old man, and please America, stop trying to intimidate him with trade sanctions. He cannot be frightened, He is a national hero and shall ever be remembered as the man who...uh, um, gee. The uh, man who Lived (seemingly) forever!!!

Out Houses are the Devil's Playground

Old People, old, smelly, and easily startled. Outhouses, old, smelly, and can easily startle people. A nice combonation you say? Well they aren't! When these two come together it's like acids and bases, they just don't mix. There are several deadly factors that make "Pappies garage" truly "The Devils Playground!" The first and most evil reason being that Porto "Johns" do not have foundations which makes them easily tippable, which makes them targets for young hooligans! Evil rebel rousers board with tipping cows who can easily cause mischief by simply pushing over an outhouse. Who knows they might even be evil enough to tip it over while gramps is inside!
The last and most deadly reason that outhouses are El Diablo's funfactory are the way they are built. The one size fits all John lid makes it a recipe for Carnage! Tikky Ticky Tembo no sah rembo fari vari vuchi tick terri tembo the old man has fallen into the "well" *wink*wink. Many a good "sailor" have I know fall through the stool into the "sea" during a simple bowel movement. These were good men who fell victim and payed the ultimate price. Some brave men and women have spent days sitting in the darkness, unable to escape their feces filled frightful fate!
I wrote all this to say that outhouses should be illegal! banned forever! Amen!