Archive

2.28.2005

Sorrrrrry!

I know, I know, I haven't posted in while. I've been working on a speech I have to give soon. It's not really that time consuming, but I'm so scared of public speaking that I can't really focus on anything else, like writing for my website.
Anyway, I just watched this Blair Witch knock off about the Jersey Devil called "The Last Broadcast". The only thing that was really interesting about it was how it was made in 1998, yet all the actors looked like they were straight from 1990. Wierd.

I'll post some interesting stories and such next week. Hopefully Luke will write something again soon too.

Edit: March 2nd...

I gave my speech on Peter Gabriel today. Besides reading half the speech from my notecard, I'm pretty proud of myself. Usually whenever I do anything in front of an audience there's a good 5-10 seconds of me freaking out and forgetting what's going on. This time it only happened once for about a second. YEAH! And then there's those wierd screw ups that happen when you're looking around the room and you see someone give a wierd facial expression or somethingo out of the ordinary and then your brain is like "whoa! what the blast is going on?" and then forget what you were talking about.
Glad that's over with, until next time.

2.23.2005

Time Travel es Muy Loco!

I've written many essays regarding time travel. You could say I'm an expert on the subject, if you really want to. In fact, I even wrote up a thesis disproving the possibility of it, which I discarded shortly after writing. People need to dream, ya know.
Today I was rethinking the subject of fanciful warp travel, but this time from the view of interdimensional travel and black holes, which I believe are possible, but not exciting like the show Sliders, since I don't believe in alternate realities, time travel or intelligent alien life.
I recently came across this interview with university of Utah physicist Lior Burko on space.com. He talks about how black holes aren't theoretically impossible...yay.

"But some black holes have hybrid structures, theorists have long suspected. The new research shows that the hybrid singularity could contain both strong and weak sectors."
"It would allow the captain to navigate toward the sector where the singularity is weak," Burko said. "Experiencing only finite (and even small) effects (of stretching and squeezing), the spaceship could arrive at the singularity unharmed. While that still does not guarantee a peaceful traversing of the singularity, it keeps the possibility of doing so open. If that traversing becomes possible, it could open a 'tunnel' to another universe."


So, there's still a chance! However vague or ridiculously unlikely it may be, there's still the possibility that man could survive a trip through a wormhole. Hmm.
Let's see, first the astronauts and their small children (who take over on the return trip) would have to make the 26,000 light year trip to the center of the milky way galaxy. Then, hope and pray that they find the "weak" sector of the black hole and THEN hope there's something on the other end...
I'd be up for it! Suicide missions are my forte'.
That also got me thinking, what did Dave see on the other side of the wormhole he went through on 2001: A Space Odyssey? I guess he saw his own life in a weird bizarre form, or heaven or nothing.
Black holes are just stars that have collapsed on themselves, unless I'm mistaken, so I really don't think there's anything but destruction in store for whatever gets inside. BUT let's just say for the sake of entertainment that I somehow make it through the wormhole, what's on the other end? According to the theory of relativity, after the star collapses on itself, it creates a magic place in which the laws of physics do not apply and where density is infinite. The black hole then mirrors itself on the other side. Many people like to believe this leads to an alternate universe or the past, or future, which is BS. If it didn't destroy you it would probably just warp you many millions of light years through the other side, the worm hole would basically just be a long, long tunnel which would be great if these things worked like a subway system where we can just hop in and out to reach certain destination, but they aren't.
We haven't even begun to glimpse our own galaxy, so going through a wormhole to explore more of what we don't know would be pretty pointless. Besides that, whoever makes it through the wormhole wouldn’t be able to communicate back to earth, or anyone for that matter, unless he happens to be warped back within earth’s proximity, ‘Houston? yeah uh, we're back, err uh mission accomplished, I guess.’ But I guess a radio signal would eventually reach earth, like in 2205 or something, "psshshshschhcshcschzzszz, captain's log, 2020, we made it through the black hole and are in the middle of nowhere, goodbye".
It’s pretty much like trying to explore the mysteries of heaven (unfortunately, worm holes aren't described in the bible), someone basically has to lose contact with earth forever in order to see what it’s like, but can’t tell anyone about it. If you wanted to know, you’d have to go.
After aaaaaallll that, and I somehow make it to the other side of the universe and happen upon a vast alien civilization, what would I say to them? That question could occupy me for hours, I guess I’d just play Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band for them, share a 26,000 light year old Coke and then kill them all.

In conclusion, my tiny insect mind cannot even begin to comprehend the mysteries of why my CD burner won’t freakin’ work, let alone the great infinite unknown of space. Thank you for letting me waste your time. G'day.

2.19.2005

Goodwill, Badparking, Enormousprofits.

Today, Tom (my visiting cousin) and I decided to venture over to the local Goodwill thrift store. We wanted to stock up on some puffy jackets and other assorted items...
Obstacle number one: The Parking Lot.
We pulled into the parking lot, which consists of two dead end, heavily pot-holed rows, each with enough spaces for maybe 5 or 6 cars. The best part is if you pull into the parking lot without a space immediately available, you're screwed. The parking lot is like Tetris, I can even hear the quirky, panic inducing "music - 2" playing in my mind as I try to perform some difficult maneuver around a conversion van that's blocking everyone while waiting for a spot.
Solution: Park in the spaces by the nearby apartments! Cue the soft and hypnotic Tetris "Music - 3",

So we begin browsing, heading first over to the rows of puffy sailor vests and nylon school jackets. There we found the greatest vest ever made, it was beatiful, not greasy like the others, it was a gray sailor vest like Marty Mcfly's but with more pockets to store your spy gear. There's nothing that was going to part me from this vest! I would wear this to the day I die...FIVE DOLLARS!? That's insane, there is no way I'm spending a whole five dollar bill at this place, pssssh. Chances are I was probably the one who donated this vest in the first place, I changed my mind, I'm just taking it back.
Next. Yes! There's some tacky early 90's home decor. It all has such a strange look to it, I think that once Charles in Charge was cancelled the studio donated the set to this particular Goodwill.
Oh yes, let's go look for some awesome hats...uh, what's the deal?! All the hats are gone. They used to have all these great fedoras and trucker hats with filthy sayings. There must be an influx of British in town.
Well the experience was a complete disaster. So instead we headed to our grandparents basement, which is like Goodwill, except free. There, Tom found a pair of extra huge aviator sunglasses and I found an extra huge "Trent sport" polo shirt, which I eventually hope to grow in to. We also found a treasure trove of Claire’s merchandise, lots of girly trinkets. Bracelets, necklaces, etc. The greatest find of the night was the watch ring that Tom is now the proud owner of, it is truly a beautiful piece of bling. Word, he doesn't even have to look at his wrist for the time anymore, just his finger. Just think of what he can do with that on his middle finger, it's like yo, I don't have "time" for your idiocy, flip.
Yep, that's all.

I finally got around to watching Donnie Darko this weekend. I had always heard good things about it but in my mind had thought it would be like the Spawn movie or something. What a surprise, it was fantastic, easily one of favorite films now. So, see it if you haven't. Lots of great humor, suspense and trippyness.

ariva dache!

2.16.2005

We're Jammin'...

and I hope this jammins gonna last...

Yeah, every is so incredibly boring right now. I wake up, go to school, eat, go back to school then sleep. It's like groundhog day except I'm not rich or famous like Bill Murray. And there are still consequences, I don't get to wake up with a clean slate. Even if there weren't any consequences, I still probably couldn't think of anything fun to do.
So I was driving home from class and was behind about three or four cars, we all pass a cop car, then all the other cars proceed to go 10 under the speed limit, because people are extremely paranoid around cops. The fuzz pulls out of the "sooooo convenient" parking lot and I knew that I'd eventually get pulled over for something. For the past couple weeks it seems like I've been thinking and hearing about getting pulled over. Two of my friends have gotten tickets in the past two weeks. So the officer is following me closely for about a mile and a half and I'm cruisin' listenin' to some DMB, going exactly the speed limit and starting to get peeved that he won't pass me.
Ok, what's going on? Sweet, there they are, flashing lights, he chose me!
So a million scenarios run through my head before he gets out to come talk to me. Oh crap, maybe I was driving too carefully and he thinks I'm under the influence! Wait, was I obstructing traffic? Is my tail light out? Crap.
Yeah, I sorta flipped out, not too badly though, but for some reason I've been expecting to be pulled over for a while now, but what the heck did I do?! So as he's walking up to my window I roll it down and ask "what am I being pulled over for?" before he even says anything.
Popo: "your license is expired"
Bretto: "This is my father's car."
Popo: "Well...something-something-something...you can either pay the 75 dollar fine now or lose your license"
Bretto: pointing to my license which he's holding, "just take that."

So he goes back to his car to do whatever they do, and then another female cop comes to assist, because things could easily get out of hand, I'm dangerous. While the first cop is doing paperwork she stood by the rear of my car. I sat, jamming to dmb, trying not to look guilty or suspicious. Then the lady officer taps on my passenger window with her flashlight, at first I reach for the switch to roll down the passenger window but then I stop and I freak out, oh crap I've seen this on cops, she's distracting me on the right so the swat team can move in on my left! Oh man, what did I do? I bet they've mistaken me for some bad person, wait, are there any warrants on me I'm not aware of?!
Then I look to my left and see there he comes, at this point I'm basically expecting him to ask me to step out of the car. So I unbuckle and open the door as he approaches, then I thought "Wait! Get back in the car idiot, he'll shoot you!" But alas, he's just bringing me my ticket, so I fumble to put my seat belt back on and close the door and then roll down the window to grab the ticket.
Popo: "have you ever had a ticket before mr. warren? something-something...court date....pay fine....or else there could be a warrant....something something"
Bretto: "yes, I've had a ticket. Ok, thank you."
Popo: "Have a nice night sir"

The End.

Anyhew, I learned a valuable lesson in how paranoid I am and how my extreme paranoia could eventually land me in a heap of trouble.
I also learned that the man is out to get everyone at all times.
Help me.
But no, really he was a nice officer, he made the usually very inconvenient event of recieving a ticket not nearly as crappy.
In a way the experience was sort of like Groundhog Day because this is all the fault of my dad for not putting the new stickers on the license plate! SO I'M BLAMELESS!
AAAAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

2.14.2005

The Ambiguous Legends of Saint Valentine

There were many Saint Valentines, at least three. All patron saints of the catholic church who's legendary exploits have inspired us to love, for at least one day. One legend tells of Saint Valentine VII who, during the crusades, would walk through the streets of Jerusalem and place a rose on the doorsteps of suspected Muslims. If the inhabitants had chosen repentance, they would then smear the blood of a sacrificed goat on their front door and spread the rose petals before the entrance. This prepared the way for French and English crusaders would then raid the homes of all the unrepentant inhabitants.
Since the 16th century the white man has been sending each other tidings of sweet, sweet love. But thanks to Esther A. Howland, in the 1840's greeting cards began to be produced on a mass scale, thus commercializing the holiday!
So I'd just like to send my valentine's day greeting to all you lovely ladies out there, via Ferline Husky...

On the wings of a snow-white dove
He sends His pure sweet love
A sign from above (sign from above)
On the wings of a dove (wings of a dove)

2.10.2005

Peter Gabriel "Melt"

Peter Gabriel 3 aka "Melt" (1980)

Peter Gabriel’s third solo album “Melt” was the first of his albums to really begin to feature his “trademark” world music/ambiance/mood sound. It is what I consider the final progression into the sound he would use for the rest of his solo career. His first solo album “Car” is essentially a slightly toned down continuation of what he had done with Genesis. His second album (Scratch) started to head down the road of an almost too simplistic three piece band, with elements of trance and psychedelic in the mix. Although “Melt” is one of his top three albums it’s definitely not an album for everyone…
Many People consider “Security” to be the real turning point of Peter’s sound but I disagree. Melt was the first album which really broke away from the warn out progressive rock sound. There’s nothing wrong with what he had done on the first two albums, but with Melt he finally began to experiment with sounds, not just creating rock songs. The songs themselves really aren’t that stylistically different than the stuff from the first two albums, but what sets Melt apart is the layering. What draws your attention is primarily his voice but also the little symphony of effects and ambiance that really take hold of your imagination. This is what he has continued to do with all of his subsequent albums.
Like I said before, many people consider “Security” to be the turning point of his sound and also consider it his only concept album, but Melt is truly the first. Many consider it his “darkest” album primarily because of the lyrical content, but musically it’s not nearly as gloomy as “Security” or even his newest album “Up”. The reason I consider this a concept album and the reason for it’s greatness is because of the overall unity of the subject matter; sin.
The album begins with “Intruder” a dark song about a thief sneaking through a families house in the night.
“The sense of isolation inspires
Inspires me
I like to feel the suspense when I'm certain you know I am there
I like you lying awake, your baited breath charging the air
I like the touch and the smell of all the pretty dresses you wear
Intruders happy in the dark”
What makes this song and the whole album so creepy is just how straight forward the lyrics are, he didn’t try to make it a metaphor for something else. It’s just a song about a man creeping around someone else’s house. Much like the rest of the album, he presents the songs as ‘here’s the subject matter’ take it face matter, there’s no happy endings to them, which causes an uneasiness to the listener.
There’s really a sense of despair to the lyrics of all the songs and the album continues that with “No Self Control”, another very lyrically obvious song that continues the albums sense of despair…
“I know I’m gone too far
Much too far I’ve gone this time
And I don’t want to think what I’ve done
I don’t know how to stop”

After the short instrumental “Start” comes “I Don’t Remember” probably my favorite song on this album. It continues with the trend of describing human angst, telling about someone who is lost, trying to find their identity.
The parade of emotional depravity continues with “Family Snapshot”. I’m pretty sure this song about Lee Harvey Oswald, or maybe just assassins in general. But the song describes something similar to the JFK assassination. It has an innocent and beautiful feel about it but just like the other songs, it’s made depressing by it’s lyrical content. After the first few verses sung from “first person” by the assassin, the last verse says
“Come back mum and dad
You’re growing apart
You know that I’m growing up sad
I need some attention
I shoot into the light”

“And Through the Wire” is the first of the two consecutive semi-lighthearted songs on the album, the lyrics are about someone missing their lover but being able to contact them on the phone. Yeah, but this song is really needed on the album, it provides a nice break from the gloom.
The lightheartedness continues with the bizarre parody-ish song “Games Without Frontiers”. Games is a satirical view of war, it’s lyrics and tune are done to sound almost like a childish nursery rhyme which creates a deep and almost scary view of the absurdity of war, that children might as well be in control.
Next comes “Not One of Us” a song about racism and social exclusion. If I were Peter Gabriel I would have put this song second to last, right before “Biko” a song which is also about racism, the death of South African civil rights leader Steven Biko. But next is the only musically dark song on Melt; “Lead a Normal Life”, easily the most introverted and depressed song on the album, it’s mostly an instrumental but has a short verse that says
“it’s nice here with a view of the trees
Eating with a spoon?
They don't give you knives?
'Spect you watch those trees
Blowing in the breeze
We want to see you lead a normal life”
From this song I get a picture of someone who’s almost in a vegetable state or has suffered a nervous breakdown, someone with no hope.

The album ends with “Biko”, like I said before, a song about South African anti-apartheid hero Steven Biko, who was killed by officers in a Pretoria prison in 1977. It’s a great way to end the album, this song, which is almost an anthem of sorts, is an inspirational ending for the album. It says, there’s hope from all the despair presented in the first nine songs.
“You can blow out a candle, but you can’t blow out a fire, once the flame begin to catch, the wind will blow it higher”.

2.07.2005

Deceit!

Man, I just hate it. It's everywhere I go, no matter what. We cannot escape it. Yes, even I am a part of it. It has clung to me like oatmeal. Deception and lies are here to stay.
It was just another normal day but instead of going back to my prison cell after classes I decided to be daring and took a trip to the CHC bookstore. Ah , the smell of fresh coffee, people smiling and food in abundance, or so I thought. I took my time weaving about the aisles taking it all in. The countless books by Dr. Jeremiah that have never been sold, CHC embroidered clothes that my grandma wouldn't even buy, and too many people. And then, I spotted it. All alone on the bottom shelf stood one lone pack of pop tarts in the box. It was precious. I was craving the chocolately filling and colorful swirled frosting. I snuck up to it, not daring to give away my true feelings, I grabbed it nonchalantly. Ah the rest of my day was going to be perfect. I dreamed about how it would taste on the long walk up to my room. I sat down in my desk chair and peeled away the package. And then, I couldn't believe it. My pop tarts weren't chocolate and didn't have colorful frosting. I almost jumped out my window. They had tricked a poor college student into buying a stale, brown sugar and maple pastry. At a public school this would be acceptable but since this is a Christian college they should be ashamed of themselves. I condemns this whole heartedly and will do everything in my power to ammend it.

The Castle Microsoft Chapter III

The King Finally Dies
After a long expulsion from the land, two brave knights came to the castle to aid in the quest for the kings bloodlust, they were called El Capitan Cornholeo and Lushion the Lush. They had long been banished by Sir Timothy for their naughtiness, they had stolen their lords opium, amen. With their arrival also came tales of a great grail, rumored to be in the land of Maicrohsoff. This greatly interested King Woody, for he was greedy.

The knights were once again at full strength in both number and spirit and so with king Woody the Nymph leading they set forth on a journey to find and claim the holy grail.
Krusty the Glutton, who was called flamboyant, remained silent throughout this quest. It seemed as though she was hiding a secret from the other knights. This alarming trend lasted for many moons, until one day she spoke of her great sin, “No longer can I remain silent, I have keyed the king’s horse!” she proclaimed to the knights. “I am to be exiled for a half score and one month!”
A silence fell, then great celebration erupted, the other knights rejoiced at this pronunciation, for the Glutton had become quite vexedly flamboyant. She then spread the news of her sin throughout the kingdom, to every man, woman and child she told the tale with great pleasure.
“We don not give a duck about your peril!” She was told, but regardless she continued to spread her gossip until the day she was exiled to the Isle of Warrenville. The knights were back to five in number and in spirit, but it did not seem to affect their questful desires for the holy grail. It certainly did not damper King Woody’s desire for conquest either.
After many a sunrise of travel through the perilous woods of Los Acres the knights finally reached their destination, the castle Maicrohsoff. With swords in hand the knights approached the gates of the castle and knocked there upon. “We have come a great distance seeking the grail!” King Woody proclaimed. Woody and his knights stood and waited for reply. Then a voice was heard from behind the gate, “Sorry Woody, the grail isn’t in this castle!”
So the knights traversed to the castle across the way. Things continued in this fashion for five castles, the first grail-less castle was stormed by Qua Bretto the Exception.
The Story of Qua-Bretto the Exception…
Qua-Bretto was the bravest, he fought the lord of castle Penelope, Lord Jackelope, who was defeated with the strength of one sword. Qua-Bretto then searched the defeated lord’s pockets for loose gold, to the victor goes the spoils, and I’m victor #$*&%!” Qua-Bretto then removed lord Jackelope’s head.
The Story of Lord Matricks of Ur…
Lord Matricks’ battle was the most perilous. He was nearly destroyed by the collective soul which resided in the Decemberlink castle. Though weakened, Lord Matricks defeated the soul with much repentance and with the aid of King Woody. “Listen, do not blame me for my failure! I did not run and I certainly did not need your help, though I thank you for giving it to me. You came in between me and my enemy, so I make this precious declaration, I shall serve you no more, no less have I given to you with my service.” Lord Matricks spoke.
“Whatever.” replied the king.
The Story of El Capitan Cornholeo…
Trying to impress the other knights, Cornholeo used impressive techniques in his skirmish, but alas, they had little might and failed the test. Though not completely killed, he was extremely shaken. Still no grail was found.
The Story of William of Korkle…
Though postponed because of dire straights, William began his battle with the knight of the Point castle. Many children of the kingdom had traveled to witness William’s grand bourgeoisie. He conquered his enemy with great confidence thanks to the laughter of the children, but his battle was fruitless, for neither did it reveal the holy grail.
The Story of Lushion the Lush…
Lushion did not arrive at his battle for many days leaving the other knights to wonder where hence he had gone. “Who will defeat the lord of this castle? We will most assuredly die!” spake Lord Matricks. The knights had already decided to abandon their quest for the grail and conquer the castle Outethslook instead by the time Lushion had finally returned. Hungethed over and debotchered on the drunkenthed wine of Judas he came forth hence to the castle gates, so be it. Demanding to face the lord in battle, he was refused. For six risings of the moon he waited by the castle gates, when on the seventh rising he snuck into the castle disguised as the lords jester. There he remained and served as the lords jester for many a year.
The knights had returned from their victory at the castle Outethslook and were greatly pleased. Lushion eventually retuned to Cavalley Baptiste to join the other knights and with him came the grail and much rejoicing. The grail was indeed in the Last Castle and Lushion had claimed it after the mysterious choking death of it’s lord. It seemed as though the knights were thriving, until on a very strange day when King Woody drank hence from the grail, and lo! The grail was not the real grail, but a false one. His flesh did rotteth and a great famine besieged the land. But even stranger than that was the day when Crusteigh the Glutton came galloping back on her mightily thinned steed. Because she was banished forthwith she was not actually allowed to enter the Cavalley Baptiste castle but would sit at the outer gate and tell tales to passers by of the times spent at the Isle of Warrenville. From that day forth the knights were constantly annoyed by the sound of the Glutton’s voice speaking chronicles of prevescuously vexed journey through the land of Departmo O’Korekshuns, verily, verily, amen, doth sayeth the lord.

2.06.2005

Sewper Bohl

You know what I love most about the Superbowl? All the celebrities! They're everywhere, it's like the golden globes but without the boring lifetime achievement speeches and fashion critiques. The game is basically irrelevant, just a side attraction in an elaborate carnival of American excess. It’s actually better than any awards show because it’s not just beautiful people or the most talented actors. We’ve got Nascar drivers, washed up athletes and stars of cable television shows. And look! It’s Will Smith! Hey, Will2k, who do ya thinks gonna win the big game?
“Woo! Ha-ha! Uncle Phil!”
I said who do you thi…
“I'm gonna have ta put ma G’s on P-hilly, jigga, ha-ha! They mad cuz I got front seats to da laker…”
“Thanks Will.”
It's all about the hype. The great, white hype. So pure and glorious. If there were (dare I say) no hype, people would go to Sunday night church instead. But God understands that we need to bask in the richness of sport, and share in the aura surrounding those fortunate and wealthy enough to attend such spectacle. If not, it would simply be the last game of the season, exciting only for major NFL buffs, compulsive gamblers and people who enjoy being sold products through expensively placed humourous pitches.

Anyway, I usually don't make it a point to pay attention to the Superbowl or commercials but this year I'll have have my lawn chair parked in front of the big screen so that I'm sure not to miss the new Batman Begins promo spot. And f anyone in the room blasphemes by saying things like "eh, it doesn't look that good" or "how come the Joker didn't kill his parents?" I'll rip their lungs out.

and so, I gots my Lamar Lathon Panthers extra large jersey on and am ready to eat, gorge and occasionally glance at the tv while continuing to eat meat...of course while thinking of those children around the world who cannot partake in such things.

---------------------------------------POSTGAME...
BATMAN! BATMAN! BATMAN! The trailer was mostly previously seen footage but the few new shots were enough to hold me over for another day. The scarecrow looks fantastic and the scene of the pre batmobile batmobile driving through the test warehouse is pretty COOL!
Lucious Fox: "How do you like it?"
Bruce Wayne: "Does it come in black?"
I didn't even have to hurt anyone tonight! Everyone seemed genuinely interested in it, awesome!
Oh yeah, the game seemed more dull than usual, I don't know. McNab really blew it, way to lose loser. Oh, that was mean. The whole team sucks. Hooray for Patriots I guess, they win again. Yay.

2.04.2005

The Castle Microsoft Chapter II

The Time of Great Debotchery
Order had been restored after the days of bloody peril, but good king Woody’s lust for blood was not yet satisfied. He had chosen his neighbors to the north to wage his next war against. Across the great barren tundra there was a kingdom that sat beside the great ocean, twas called Xcelenia. The battle started with fair conditions and the knights had seiged the castle with ease, but the knights were soon to fall apart. During the first month of the campaign Bokey el Diablo was fumingly angry with the head of the Christian empire to the east, Lord Michael who had questioned her motivations. After much prayer and dispute with king Woody, Bokey el Diablo made her decision to convert to Catholicism. After leaving, she was hence labeled as a heretic by king Woody and her effigy was henceforth removed hence from the royal hall and hence burned by the king’s personal burner Sir Lang of Jo-Nah, of whom was later the axe bearer at Bokey’s execution. This was also a period of distress for Tiffany the Holy, she was so madly vexed and tormented by the Lord of her homeland that she decided to leave the knights in pursuit of sanguinary interests. During the cover of night she approached her lord’s castle with much stealthery, and with a flaming torch she lit the mud and the grass of her castle ablaze. She then entered her lord’s chambers and inquisited her brother. “Why dost my own family torment me, why brother!? Where did our lord taketh away my steed!?“ She cried hence. Her brother remained silent, desiring to remain in good standing with his lord. So she spake unto him, “Verily, thou hath left me no choice.” So she took her brother and tied him with the tightest of ropes and set his body ablaze. After doing these heinous deeds she fled far away to the house of Craconius.

This campaign was wearisome to the young knights. It went on for many a year and with so many of from their ranks deserting, they grew tired of the siege against the Xcelenians. Their strength had become limp. Retreat was made and the knights rode southward back to Cavalley Baptiste. “Remember my young knights, life ain’t worth #&^*.” said the good king to his fellowship, hoping to strengthen their morality.
While sitting at the round table playing Hearts and discussing where hence to wage the next war, Sir William of Korkle arose and spoke to King Woody in a mighty voice, “My Liege, Tiffany the Holy would not have wanted us to cower like heathens in the face of adversity!”.
“You’re totally right Sir William. We shall depart come morn time.” replied the king.
So with only four adventurous knights left; Crusteigh the Glutton, Lord Matricks of Ur, Sir William of Korkle and Qua-Bretto the Exception, King Woody returned to the land of Xcelenia, where a second war against the Macros and Forms was waged.
The Knights had finally won their great victory against the Xcelenian Barbarians and a great and glorious celebration ensued. The knights played knickerbocker music and told unwholesome riddles. During his debotchered stupor, Lord Matricks of Ur began telling tales about the Negro who ate watermelon from his lords patch and ate the chickens from his lords coop. Crusteigh the Glutton was now becoming displeased at the unsavory riddles and tricksiness and in her own drunkenness screamed at the music and tales yelling, “Sir William, Lord Matricks, I beseech thee, stop being racists!”
Right when she yelled this the great emperor of the empire, Sir Timothy the Uncomfortable appeared in the ball room. “What art thou speaking ye heathens?” he betrothed. A might silence descended upon the celebration. From that day hence the time for horseplay was at an end. Woody was chastened and the knights were never permitted to engage in sanguinary interests again, until…

2.01.2005

The Castle Microsoft: Special Edition!

The artistic parody of our sophomore computer applications class in all of it's special edition glory!

The Companionship of the King
Once upon a time in the wonderfully enchanted land of Cavalley Baptiste there was a great kingdom. This kingdom was ruled by a fair and just king named Woody the Nymph. This was odd because at the time nymphs were not permitted to rule kingdoms. For many decades this was a glorious place to live, but one day it became corrupt and evil and boring. Good king Woody was losing control of his wondrous creation, so he decided to behead his advisors and wage war upon all of the neighboring lands. To do this, he called upon six good knights to assist him in restoring order to his kingdom. At first, the three greatest knights in the land came hence answering the call; Tiffany the Holy, Bokey el Diablo and Lord Matricks of Ur. They strutted forth into the castle with their heads held upon high. “Greetings my friends, many thanks and blessings be unto you for sacrificing your final year to assist me in bringing glory back to my kingdom!” said the King. As he spoke these words three other young knights, riding upon mighty steeds, approached the throne and sayeth’d “My liege, we are at thy service, let us be thy instruments of wrath!”

The knights were; Sir William of Korkle, Crusteigh the Glutton and Qua-Bretto the Exception.
For the first many days these older knights did not treat the younger, better looking knights in good fashion. They mockethed and spaked unholy words to the young knights. Eventually they learned to accept one another and would fight many battles, the first being the battle of Wordsworth.
This battle was a fairly easy one. The great knight Tiffany the Holy was the greatest warrior in the battle, she slew three score and two unholy heathens. Many kills were granted to the knights that day, but the battle was not hence without loss. As the battle raged forth, Bokey el Diablo became so severely harassed by the enemy that she collapsed and cried out to the heavens with great shouts of anguish. When the day of battle had ended, Bokey considered leaving the knights and ending her quest, but was convinced to stay by King Woody the Great. At this time of great peril, Tiffany the Holy was becoming more and more vexed with the unbecoming knights, especially with Crusteigh the Glutton who had of late become increasingly flamboyant with Qua-Bretto the Exception. Tiffany the Holy was truly vexed. Throughout most of the first campaign Lord Matricks of Ur was suspiciously mute. There were great rumors and whisperings that he was trying to take the king’s crown. As the war against the Wordsworth Heathens grew to a close, the knights found themselves victorious, but the six brave knights were becoming more and more unstable.