Mario Bros 2: Bizarro Land

I haven't really been doing anything but eating the past few days so I don't have much to write. BUT something amazing did happen just a few minutes ago, my #11 news years resolution and #155 on my to do lists have been semi-completed! I actually got past the first level of Mario Bros 2. Amazingly enough I've never even seen what the rest of the game looks like, probably because I inevitably become too freaked out to continue. Now I only have to get past world 8 of the first Mario Bros and actually play Super Mario World. At least I've gotten to the last level of Mario Bros 3, a long long time ago, and that's only because of the flute trick thing.Speaking of stoner games...here's another you might want to try, Little Nemo's Adventures in Slumberland...
There's a strange story that ties these two games together, for me at least. I was between the ages of 6 and 12 and was visiting my great uncle in Tennessee. In one of the spare bedrooms which was decorated in dark faux wood paneling, dark wood furniture and puke green shag carpeting, there was a Nintendo and two games; Mario Bros 2 and Little Nemo. I had only seen brief glimpses of Mario 2 here and there because I didn't own it and neither did any of my friends, so after a night of playing these, my unprepared little mind was completely blown.
*game (and life) tip* don't buy shrooms from "that guy"

Andrew "Virtual Boy" Johnson

With congress in almost complete control of his presidency, what DID President Johnson do with all that free time? Answers to this and more coming soon to the History Channel

A Life...of the FUTURE!

I was thumbing through an old 'Woman's Day' issue from April, 1951 and found my dream home, in an old Chrysler ad nonetheless. "*Pronounced as spelled - Cry-sler". Viewing the picture alone it would probably take you a while to guess that it was a car ad, are they selling me a time share? A car? A lifestyle? Right! They want you to know that if you own this car you'll be a cut above your neighbors. Heck, you're so on the cutting edge that you might as well buy a Frank Lloyd Wright too! You're living so far in the future that you should just move to an isolated seaside estate where the streets are golden and those still living in 1951 can't bother you with their Korean wars.
Anyway, I do love that house. This picture is sort of how feel when I start spacing out and feeling relaxed, or when I hear a song I enjoy. The scene of a husband a wife sitting expressionless in their car, in front of a house, in the middle of road, staring at nothing in particular. That's the future alright. I also get the feeling that pictures like this were the inspiration for the movie 'Gattaca'. The old cars and the FLW homes, right on the money. Well kids, this is what we have to look forward to. Sterility.

"Shock the Tylenol Beaver"

Let me switch into Seinfeld mode here...So what's the deal with those Tylenol commercials?
They must be getting sued a lot lately because their current ad campaign consists of "doctors" and "the person who puts the warning labels on the packages" telling us to be careful with our Tylenol usage. "You know what!? You stupid morons, if you're gonna eat these things like candy then we'd rather you just not even buy our product, because one less lawsuit is equal to ten thousands bottles of Tylenol being sold. So go ahead, switch brands, we don't want you anymore!"
What's that? What's the deal with the beaver picture? I do my best artwork during school. Well, my most bizzare work. I think it's a manifestation of some deep seeded emotion, trying to break through the suffocation of pointless learning and the boredom that results. When I doodle during class time, I don't really remember it, I drift off into a deep trance and when I come to, a beautiful piece of art is created. The above, which I drew during my three hour environment earth class last semester is called "Le Beavar de Evel le Flood". There’s a deep meaning in there somewhere, I just can’t find it right now. Unfortunate, because I’m usually pretty good at that.
Read these lyrics, they apply to everything, they inspire me, so let the beautiful words of Mr. Gabriel touch you. If you're truly lucky then you've seen the video, which is double the inspiration...

Shock the monkey to life
Shock the monkey to life

Cover me when I run
Cover me through the fire
Something knocked me out' the trees
Now I'm on my knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know when you're going to shock the monkey

Fox the fox
Rat the rat
You can ape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I can't take any more
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to shock the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Something's burning
Don't like it but I guess I'm learning

Shock! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I breathe
You throw your pearls before the swine
Make the monkey blind
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to shock the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Shock! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Shock the monkey
Shock the monkey
Shock the monkey to life

Snow, Everywhere.

I woke up today and looked out the window, everything looked like the Day After Tomorrow. I think I even saw Dennis Quaid running hectically down the driveway yelling for "SAM!?". So I closed the blinds, pulled the mattress thingy out of my couch and watched Earnest Goes to Camp. Great movie, Earnest truly had a heart of gold. He turns the stereotypical 1980's ruffians into good law abiding citizens by helping them blow up a construction company. Even though the company legally owned the land, thanks to Earnest's gullibility, they were still evil and had to be taken care of so that the precious camp could be saved. I almost always break down in tears when the children start singing the Turtles classic hit "Happy Together". It's easily one my top 100 movie moments of the 1980’s.
Anyway, the point of the story is that snow is bad.

Guess what I got today! My mother bought me the 2005 Mr. Winkle calender. I love that little guy. Every new month is like precious gift when I get to turn the page and see what new cute outfit and or pose Mr. Winkle is in.

The chance of a lifetime!

I apologize if I seem to harsh with this one but I need to vent my hatred somehow. Yes, it all began when I was invited to stay at "the Holgate's" house for Thanksgiving break. You may be wondering, as I still am, who the crap? So, since I had absolutely nowhere else to rot for break , I gave in and accepted the invitation. The anticipation builds and two days before Thanksgiving, Vanessa the ( significant other), and I make the miserable journey up to Carlsbad, CA. Now I didn't think Carlsbad was cool until I learned that Tony Hawk lived half a block from the Holgate's. The word stalker, passed through my brain. The wheel started to turn and I began to envision myself as splinter cell for the next few days. The only time I could get away from the family games of candy land and chutes and ladders was about eight,when geezer Frank went to bed. I still remember as I approached Mr. Hawk's well hidden house near the lagoon. The night was cool and blood was rushing through my veins. I just couldn't believe it. Of all people, I got to be Tony's stalker. His house somehow made me feel like I was in heaven. Well, I wish I could say that there is more to this story but unfortunately that's all that happenned. I never saw the dang man and his famiy. I thought about hopping his fence more than once but I just decided to camp out on his private beach instead. How daring! Annnyway, transitioning back to Mr. Holgate. You may ask who is the freak? He used to film movies like Operation Dumbo Drop and Lethal Weapon. So me, on the lookout for a summer job made a mistake and asked him if he had any work for me. Could I be the next Frank Hoklgate? Maybe just maybe, could I become a star? And then, in a split second my hopes were dashed. He wrote me a crappy email that he made up on the spot. He is like 71 though so his vision is probably starting to go. He had my future in his hands and stuck it up his woot. I could go on and on about the dirty rat but I am restraining myself. I'd like to say thanks to Frank for making this story possible and his daughter for um nothing. Next week, read about my time with Dr. Jeremiah and ??

When I'm Sixty-Four

Time for a nostalgic moment...I've always been very intrigued by the book "Two Years Before the Mast" by Richard Henry Dana jr. I think I've attempted to read the book about ten times but can never actually get past a chapter or two. I can't even begin tocomprehend the sea fairing terminology, yet I love this book that I’ve never actually read. Maybe I wish I were Richard Dana, just leaving everything behind. Heading out onto the great, vast, unknown ocean. The closest I could really get to that now would be the navy and that’s not gonna happen. Oh well. But I was thinking that maybe, just one day, when I'm a feeble old man, I'd like to go back to Dana point in California, stare out across the ocean and finally finish this book. I’d take a deep breath of the sweet and salty air. Then gag a little at the putrid ocean stench. Then, head to the Jolly Roger’s and have some delicious fish, then maybe color the kids placemat and get a free desert.
Mmm, who's with me!? I hope this wasn't too nostalgic for you.

Dear Heartland Community College, I Hate You.

In fact, I loathe you. Yeeeeessserrriiii, I've started my big fourth semester at HCC. Only two more classes to go after this semester, so close yet so far away from getting my preciously useless associate of arts. I mean please, I've already got a Shriner's member certificate AND a unitarian priest license. I should be able to write my ticket on wall street, what do I need community college for? Well anyway, it was the standard first day of school, minus the excitement and anticipation. I had to peel myself off the sheets for my bright and early eleven o'clock class. First up, biology, woo. I knew going in that there was no way it could be even remotely as tedious or boring as the environment earth class I took last semester. I was right, for the most part. But unfortunately biology is hands on learning, which I only like if I enjoy what I'm learning. I hate science, so I'd much rather just sit and be lectured to. I also knew it couldn't be as bad because it wasn't as unbearably long as environment earth, which was three epic Lord of the Ring hours long. Bio this time around is only a slightly miserable two hour and fifteen minutes, but twice a week...dangit, it is worse...Excellent it's over, let's do lunch...
Mmm! Fargin delicious! Burger King's tenderloin sandwich combo, very delicious!...back to school...
Time for 'History of the United States after 1865'! Sounds epic. Maybe a little TOO epic. I sat and waited for my syllabus, and noticed how familiar the teacher seemed. I could have sworn I saw him somewhere. Maybe it was on some History channel documentary. It could have just been deja vu, probably. This was 'one of those classes', where you just know it's going to be bad, real bad. It's one of those "small" classes, and all the students in it look like foster children.
Hey what's next up on the agenda? Hmm speech class. Boo, skip it. No? Ok let's go...
The teacher's name is "something 'Blue'", that's all I remember, she's old and her last name is Blue, she has lots of pets and she said her son is selling some kind of flying squirrel creature. I wasn't interested.
...went home, two hour break...
My second to last math class, ever. Praise the Lord. It seemed strikingly familiar to the one I had last semester, same teacher, same room. The end. Only 31 days of class left.

I'd like to take this moment to send myself a message in a future...Hello future Brett! You are done with Heartland, I hate you.

HOSIOS LOUKAS! The First Post.

Well, I have no idea where to begin. This is my first official blog ever and I'm pumped that I might even finish it. I'm going to cover a few random things about my college life just to start things off.
So, somewhere I got this idea that it would be cool to go to college in San Diego. Anyway, I don't have a car and it sucks! If you're pathetic enough to read this in the first place take my advice on this one. Do not torture yourself and go to college in Cali if you can't afford a car. It's simple, really.
Ahhh, I have so much frickin crap to write about. I'm not a writer in the first place so this is almost impossible for me.
In my boring days of college last semester, I found the courage within me to get back in touch with someone I knew in elementary school. Her dad played for the Milwaukee Brewers back in the 90's (woot). It was a mission to get in contact with her. Her dad made me email him about ten times before he actually let me talk to her. As of right now, our online relationship sucks. It was fun for a while answering all of her question's. Who are you again? How did you get my dad's email? Are you a Christian? Dang it! I can't take it. She's hot but I may be pushing my luck on this one. Girls are getting more and more confusing to me. At CHC they don't even talk to you. I'm confined as it is without a car. My dorm room (alcatraz) looks out over the prison camp. It's a beautiful sight.
Well thank you so much for reading about the life of a poor kid. There will be a lot more to come. Next time expect to hear about the infamous lier, Frank Holgate. And for a bonus point I'll talk about the nights I spent stalking Tony Hawk's house in Carlsbad. I'm outro.

Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense

The review is finally here!
For those with short short attention spans..."It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure mixed with Last Waltz" I highly recommend it! ShazaaaaM!!!
This is definitely a movie and not a generic concert film. You won't see the crowd(*) and you will barely see any closeups of what the guitarist or drummer is doing, it's not an istructional video like a lot of concert films. So beware, I guess...

I post on an internet message board, because I'm a geek, and while chatting there I would always see this movie by the Talking Heads highly recommended. It was always Talking Heads this and Talking Heads that, but because I’m stubborn and won’t listen to recommended music, I have to ’discover’ new music for myself, it never really crossed my mind to watch it. I had only heard a couple Heads songs here and there over the years; “Burning Down the House” and “Take Me to the River”, neither of which really impressed me. So I’m not really sure what compelled me to buy Stop Making Sense, but one day I went and got it anyway.
The first time I watched it I was slightly disappointed, I thought the music was just sorta “eh”, ok. It was way too 80’s even for me, and I love 80’s new wave. But as the film progresses you become drawn in and after you hear the songs in the context of their performance in the film you begin to enjoy them much more. David Byrne's amazing stage presence brings the Heads music alive making it believable. No one else could perform these songs. The way he performs them with such an unglued careless passion makes you able to devote yourself to the music too. Even if you’re not a fan of the Heads music, that’s ok because what makes this concert movie so great is how you feel like you’re not just going from song to song like in other concert movies. The songs aren't of central importance, it doesn’t feel like the whole show is revolving around the crowd or each song, but it feels like a celebration of music. The film never ’breaks character’ like in other concert movies where your emotional context and flow seems to be broken every time the camera pans to some audience members high fiving each other after a song, I mean really, who cares what the fans are doing? No one.
When many other bands try to create a great stage show for a movie or whatever, it often feels far too forced, distracting or just doesn’t work. Stop Making Sense has almost no flashy visuals or over the top set design but still feels like an elaborate production.
What I love most about this movie is simply how introspective it feels. It makes you feel like you’re at the show having a blast, but at the same time you feel like the only one there. The beautiful camera work and lighting make it so easy to remain focused and drawn into the Talking Head’s world. There’s a real magic to the performance and overall visuals which is what I love most about great music, being taken somewhere emotionally. And by the time you reach “Naïve Melody (This Must Be the Place)” you really feel like you’ve reached this place in a journey, from there the movie takes off with fast paced songs and by the end you feel just as exhausted as the band.

*Well, none until the last song, when there's a few shots of the totally awesome 80's audience, yikes.

PELIGRO! ACHTUNG! DANGER!

Just in case you weren't around in the 80's or have forgotten, DO NO WEAR SHIRTS WITH YOUR NAME WRITTEN ON THEM!!
This makes you an easy target for prowlers, perverts and pushers!

Get hooked on fishing, not on drugs.

¡PELIGRO! ¡No permita su serpiente fuera de la jaula! ¡Aleje de la Hacienda de Michael Jackson y no acepte dulces de extranjeros! ¡No lleve camisas con su nombre en ellos! ¡No pinche el cuello ni los sombreros de camionero de uso! esto es lo que suena como cuando las palomas lloran!

Milk of Magnesia, You'll Rethink Your Life!

read this comic first or else you'll ruin all the fun. If you can't read the words just save the picture and then zoom in. Sorry for the bluriness, but you can still ge the gist of it if you squint real hard. I can't get it any clearer, I'm a failure, but I'm sure if you're dedicated enough you'll find way.

Why were you ever born? I don't know Ed, maybe it's because you were destined to wear your patent leather dress shoes to bed. But I think the more interesting question here is, why that clock is peering over your shoulder. Oh come on now, what's the problem Eddy? Hangover? Depression? You want to know how a guy gets any fun out of life? Well Edward, I'll tell you that drugs and alcohol are not the answer and that...what's that? You have a date with Little Joanie? Oh crap, she's cute. You'd better skidaddle down to the cupboard and find the elixir!
Startled by his mother's sudden entrance into the bathroom, Eddie tries to come up with an excuse for his condition off the top of his head...um gee ooh ah, it's constipation, mother, yes, yes, I need a laxative.
Edward soon regrets bringing up that topic, for the next hour and a half he stands in the bathroom with mother while she explains every detail of heartburn, acid reflux, indigestion, bowel impediment and her meticulously designed hair. Then, faster than the con-men of Funky Finger Productions, mother busts out the Philips, BAM! Ed contemplates mother's further ramblings..."two ways, at once? I dunno, how does that even work? Science? What does that have to do with anything? What is she even saying, who is this woman? I'll be ready by jig time? Joanie and I are planning to Jig, well I'm sold, give it to me mother!"
Unfortunately, Edward was not ready by jig time, he laid unconscious for three solid days, but let's not ruin his fun. What's that Eddy my boy? Life is worth living again? Well, let's not be too hasty, you still need to stop wearing those striped bowties. In the mean time, give Sinatra his suit back and go have some more Phillip's milk of MAGNESIA! Made from pure magnesium!

The Asian Celebrity Portrait Painters Empire

You see them on the streets of New York City
You see them at mall kiosks
They're Asian...
And they all have THE SAME DRAWINGS!
WHO ARE THEY!?

It was late 2001 and I was walking the streets of New York city, just a happy tourist walking my beat, I felt like little Bruce Wayne strolling the streets with his parents right before they get shot. This would be my first encounter with what I will call the ‘Asian Celebrity Portrait Artists Association Guild Organization of America‘ or CPAAGOOA for short.
It was a beautiful night and I was strolling streets of NYC with my old man and some other people. As we were heading down the sidewalk we somehow fell prey to the charm of these Asian sidewalk artists. “Do it…it…will…be…fun…”, reluctantly I sat down at their little booth thing which was set up right in front of a retro café near times square. I could see what the people at the window tables were eating. I sat for what seemed like an eternity while I had my picture drawn. This story is not about how the picture ended up making me look like a Dragonball Z character, or how uncomfortable the little hammock chair was. This story is about how over the course of the next three years I encountered even more Asians selling the exact same drawings of American celebrities, two of which I own; Dave Matthews and Jerry Garcia, both posing the same way with their guitars. The pictures are definitely good, but that’s not the point. Who are the original artists and how do they distribute their work on such a broad scale. It’s very similar to the Incan or Mayan pan flute/pipe performers you always see trying to sell their cd’s at local arts festivals, they‘re all selling the same product. From the streets of New York to the Mall of America to right here at the Eastland Mall, they’re everywhere. Hey look! There's a kiosk set up in my backyard. Excellent! It’s that one picture of Tony Montana again, I love that one and apparently they love Scarface too. They also seem to love Bob Marley too and John Wayne and Johnny Depp, in fact, they have all our American icons, including former President Clinton, I think I even saw Paul Reubens and Robert Goulet in there too. I would head over to the local mall to do some Q&A with the local CPAAGOOA dealer, but the guy who works there speaks little to no English, he also doesn't have change for a 50. I also have a feeling that no matter how hard I interrogated, I would get no answers. Nothing short of Jack Bauer style craziness would work. "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR!?!?!"
So why do I care about this? So what, they sell cheap art prints and make ridiculous profit, so what? Yes, of course, but what if there is something more sinister going on? No seriously. China, North Korea…Eh! Eh? Yeah, you know what I’m getting at…ninjas. Spies. Spy ninjas. Eventually moving their kiosks closer and closer to the capital…white house…pentagon…Langley…oh yeah. We’re in trouble.

Random Thoughts...

I was just thinking today about the things I really enjoy in life and then I opened up the fridge and found something that has always seemed to be there, leftover Mexican food. There's just something about it, somehow the dish becomes tastier after it's been refridgerated for a while and then reheated. The whole meal sort of mixes together into one delicious paste, with chicken or beef in the mix it turns my life into a freakin fiesta!! Ariiiiiba!

I'm eating spaghetti O's right now for the first time in ages and ages. After the first bite a flood of childhood memories came back to me, it was terrifying, I almost died. When I was little my friends and I would consume that stuff like it was oxygen, look where I am today!

If you haven't seen it and are just about to head to the video store, I highly recommend Ivan Riteman's movie "Evolution". Very underrated and very funny. It's a fun fun fun movie with Orlando Jones and David Duchovny who are excellent in it.

Ye, that's all for now. My cat, Paul McCartney won't stop meowing. He's extra needy now that his leg is hurt. So precious. Goodbye.

P.S. Go listen to 'Signal to Noise' by Peter Gabriel NOW!! And crank it up as loud as you can, this song is almost too awesome, ugh!