Gather round children, this week has been a doosie! I'm finally finishing up the horrendous experience known as Heartlandcommunitycollegeenglishprogram. Finally! So many pointless papers and work citeds!! OY! So, to celebrate I traveled to Blockbuster Video to rent Goldeneye "no relation" Rogue Agent. I walk in and see that they actually have an available copy, yay, I take it to the checkout and sweet cheeks working the register says "you owe 17 dollars, I'm not allowed to let you rent anymore until you pay it". Mmm, yeah, well see, this is what happens when you share an account with your family. So I ran away in tears and drove myself over to family video where I promptly created a new account and got a free rental and half off for a month! WOO! So I rented Metroid Prime 2 instead. I really liked the first one so I was fairly excited about number 2. In this new installment of Metroid for the gamecube Samus responds to a distress signal (like the first) which leads her to a boring planet sparsely populated by an uber religious alien race (like the first) called Illuminoths. Once again it's Samus' job to save these aliens from something. There' lots of walking and looking and wondering what you're supposed to do next. It's one giant empty planet filled with ambiguous dangers. But unlike the last game, there's actually a motivation for wanting to destroy the evil, which is kind of nice. Though it lacks action, problem solving, mystery, plot and character interaction or development, metroid prime is mostly a game about seeing how well a person can follow a map. And I've gotten quite good at that.
The other wonderful thing that happened this week- I was at the Woodfield Mall in Peoria and found Beetlejuice for 10 bucks, if you haven't seen this movie then you're missing out on one of the most bizarre movies ever made. Catherine O'hara and Michael Keaton are just awesome in it and Winona Ryder's character is great too "my life is one giant, dark, room."
And Jeffery Jones' character peering out the window with his binoculars, "hey, nice building...bad roof...gooood parking".
12.03.2004
11.30.2004
A Word From Clint...
Today I had to pervert the minds of sixth graders with thoughts of accounting.
I just had a devilish thought...The expression on the partner's face would
be priceless if I switched the educational tape with that of an artful porno movie.
Have you seen the movie Super Size Me?
Every time I go to McDonald's I think of it.
Today there was this 500 lb man(I'm guessing)
Every time he turned I would jump out of the way
because his wingspan was so wide
that I feared he would knock me over.
He was a McDonald's employee.
He ordered two McGriddle's.
Now I know from watching Super Size Me that
the McGriddle is the most fattening item on the menu to date.
The Moral of the Story:
McDonald's is no better than a common drug dealer.
I just had a devilish thought...The expression on the partner's face would
be priceless if I switched the educational tape with that of an artful porno movie.
Have you seen the movie Super Size Me?
Every time I go to McDonald's I think of it.
Today there was this 500 lb man(I'm guessing)
Every time he turned I would jump out of the way
because his wingspan was so wide
that I feared he would knock me over.
He was a McDonald's employee.
He ordered two McGriddle's.
Now I know from watching Super Size Me that
the McGriddle is the most fattening item on the menu to date.
The Moral of the Story:
McDonald's is no better than a common drug dealer.
11.10.2004
DUCK HUNT: 20 Years Later
It's been almost 20 years since the release of this masterpiece and almost 16 years since I first grabbed that orange gun and started shooting...so I've decided to do a retrospective. What has Duck Hunt/ Skeet Shoot taught us? How has it affected the generation who grew up with it?
There's only a few things I can vividly remember from my childhood and all of them involve either falling off something or sitting in front of a television playing the NES. I remember that fateful day when my sister and I were being babysat by some girl who lived in a fancy house, I was only 4 or 5 but I can still picture the house perfectly, and the room where I first encountered NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM! It was glorious. I stood in awe as I stared at the mario brothers start screen. I still remember what I thought as I stared "I want. Gimme gimme." And I did. For Christmas or birthday or something I finally got the Mario Bros/ Duck Hunt double cartridge! It was my own, my precious!
For the first 5 days or so I stuck with Mario Bros, then after finally becoming slightly bored with it, I switched over to Duck Hunt. Hey this is great! Shooting hundreds of ducks with no intention of picking up their dead carcass, COOOOOL! Yeah, I got one, and another! I'm a crack shot fool! HUH!? What's this?... The screen turns red, "Fly Away"? What the!? Why is that dog laughing at me? I felt the cold gun slip out of my hands and fall gently on the carpet. I slowly backed away from the television. I had never before in my life felt such ridicule from a videogame cartoon character. It hurt. I never again would play the Duck Hunt. The seed of hatred toward the canine species has been planted deep in my heart. Yes, Duck Hunt is responsible for my random displays of anger toward dogs.
Well that's it. At least the violence learned from Duck Hunt was counteracted by the puzzley goodness of Tetris and the cuteness of Mario.
Yeah there was no point to this. Goodnight.
11.08.2004
Never Rub Another Man's Rhubarb!
OOH WEE, it's the ultimate feeling. What's going on with me lately? What's the word? The LD? Well thanks for asking. Everything is awful. But I do have a few nuggets of interest to share...the past few days I've been trying to write a 10 paper based on a problem and solution. I chose piracy in the film industry, good thing I know nothing about it. But this is the last 10 pages I'm going to have to write for the ridiculously ridiculous Heartland Community College english department.
I've also been kind of looking for a job, the longer I go without one the more terrified I am of going back to repetative slavework, but Brett needs the green, can ya dig it?
There have been a couple awesome things happen in the world this week. None of which happened to me. Oh wait! The new Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith teaser trailer came out and it's every fanboys dream. It makes episode I and II look like sequels to The Ewok Adventure Movie. It's just too good be true. mmmmm. We'll have to wait and see.
The other great thing this week was my purchase of the fantastic concert DVD "Stop Making Sense". I'm not a huge Talking Heads fan, but this movie is just awesome, buy it now. It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure mixed with Last Waltz. I'll do a long review of it later, after I've BS'ed my way through ten pages of anti-piracy gobbledygook.
Have a nice week.
I've also been kind of looking for a job, the longer I go without one the more terrified I am of going back to repetative slavework, but Brett needs the green, can ya dig it?
There have been a couple awesome things happen in the world this week. None of which happened to me. Oh wait! The new Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith teaser trailer came out and it's every fanboys dream. It makes episode I and II look like sequels to The Ewok Adventure Movie. It's just too good be true. mmmmm. We'll have to wait and see.
The other great thing this week was my purchase of the fantastic concert DVD "Stop Making Sense". I'm not a huge Talking Heads fan, but this movie is just awesome, buy it now. It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure mixed with Last Waltz. I'll do a long review of it later, after I've BS'ed my way through ten pages of anti-piracy gobbledygook.
Have a nice week.
11.01.2004
The Evolution of the Hip Hop Lifestyle
Throughout the history of rap the style has become increasingly more bling blingy as time goes by. Things just keep getting more and more extravagant, so I've been wondering what's the next step after rapper's bling can't get any better and they can't get any higher? There's a limit to how many DVD players and X Boxes you can fit into your Mercedes. So how can tomorrow's rappers tell the world that they're rich and rapperific in a new way? I think in the next few years we are going to see a style change in which the new cool thing will be a "retirement home" style. I mean, nothing says relaxation, easy street and "I've made it" like retirement. I have forseen rappers in tricked out wheel chairs, popping medication and wearing velcrow shoes. Now, pimp canes will be pimp walkers and hootchies will have to have a degree in medicine and senior care.
I also had a vision of the post retirement era. Then the cool thing will be the funeral home style. Walking and moving in general will no longer be hip, coffins are where it's at. The biggest names in rap music will have their posse act as pall bearers.
w00t w00t!
I also had a vision of the post retirement era. Then the cool thing will be the funeral home style. Walking and moving in general will no longer be hip, coffins are where it's at. The biggest names in rap music will have their posse act as pall bearers.
w00t w00t!
10.21.2004
Free IPod! Except it's Not An IPod but it's Free!
I'm sure you're all greedy and lazy like me. You want a free IPod and you want it now! You don't want to 'complete an offer' and then have to try desperately to get your even lazier friends to be generous enough to complete an offer themselves JUST so you can complete your own offer! Ugh. You also don't want to spend over 100 dollars on the little piece of crap either.
So how do you get one!? Well unless you're rich or want to spend 75 cents on e-bay to have some kid tell you the secret of getting a free one even though he has the link to secret's reveal right in his selling page. You're outta luck, but I do have some rather trendy new alternatives!
1) You've got windows media player,right? Check! You've got songs on your windows media player, check. Computer, check. Headphones, check. Large back pack, right on! ...Here's what you do...
First, trash the monitor, trash the mouse, trash the keyboard, all useless. Then, take the large backpack and insert your computer. After that, take your headphones and plug them into the jack in the back of the CPU. Now put the backpack on, put the headphones on...
Oh crap, you forgot to press play on Media Player. Hook back up your CPU and get that going, now do everything I just said over again...
Once you figure out a mobile power source, you're all set! It's heavy, but it does the freakin trick and you have a heck of a lot more drive space than a pitiful Ipod.
The next solution requires your imagination. The radio. It plays songs endlessly and the battery life is outstanding. But you say, I hate commercials! Well, there's always public radio. But I hate pledge drives, they make me angry and guilty at the same time! Well there's always the old folk Muzak station.
So how do you get one!? Well unless you're rich or want to spend 75 cents on e-bay to have some kid tell you the secret of getting a free one even though he has the link to secret's reveal right in his selling page. You're outta luck, but I do have some rather trendy new alternatives!
1) You've got windows media player,right? Check! You've got songs on your windows media player, check. Computer, check. Headphones, check. Large back pack, right on! ...Here's what you do...
First, trash the monitor, trash the mouse, trash the keyboard, all useless. Then, take the large backpack and insert your computer. After that, take your headphones and plug them into the jack in the back of the CPU. Now put the backpack on, put the headphones on...
Oh crap, you forgot to press play on Media Player. Hook back up your CPU and get that going, now do everything I just said over again...
Once you figure out a mobile power source, you're all set! It's heavy, but it does the freakin trick and you have a heck of a lot more drive space than a pitiful Ipod.
The next solution requires your imagination. The radio. It plays songs endlessly and the battery life is outstanding. But you say, I hate commercials! Well, there's always public radio. But I hate pledge drives, they make me angry and guilty at the same time! Well there's always the old folk Muzak station.
10.20.2004
Congratulations Red Sox!
Amazing, is all I can say. After losing game three I was surprised at how optimistic FOX Announcer Tony Gwynn was in his post game analysis. All but the most die hard of Sox fans had accepted the inevitable and said their goodbyes. I remember Tony saying that it wasn't over yet and that this team has what it takes to make it. You really do have to credit this Sox team for being able to stay focused through four games to make this comeback.
And the icing on the cake...The Yankees lost. Hooray, the evil empire is destroyed, yub nub! The third death star has been destroyed and the ewoks rejoice! Hey, I wouldn't rub it in, but the yanks fans brought it upon themselves with the "who's your daddy?" chant. They're just jealous of Pedro's midget.
The Yankee's grand 'melt down' also helps to downplay the Cubs meltdown from last season, we had Bartman as an excuse, what do the Yanks have? Tom Gordon?
I'm not a Red Sox fan but as a Cubs fan I feel as though the two team's histories of losing almost tie them together. Deep inside we Cub fans are given a glimmer of hope for next season, if they can do it, just maybe...
And the icing on the cake...The Yankees lost. Hooray, the evil empire is destroyed, yub nub! The third death star has been destroyed and the ewoks rejoice! Hey, I wouldn't rub it in, but the yanks fans brought it upon themselves with the "who's your daddy?" chant. They're just jealous of Pedro's midget.
The Yankee's grand 'melt down' also helps to downplay the Cubs meltdown from last season, we had Bartman as an excuse, what do the Yanks have? Tom Gordon?
I'm not a Red Sox fan but as a Cubs fan I feel as though the two team's histories of losing almost tie them together. Deep inside we Cub fans are given a glimmer of hope for next season, if they can do it, just maybe...
10.19.2004
The Epic Half Pound Meat and Potato Burrito
I just experienced Taco Bell's HALF POUND MEAT AND POTATO BURRITO and let me tell you, it's not good, but it will fill your stomach. It's a condensed thanksgiving dinner. This is the answer the United Nations has been looking for in its quest to to solve hunger in Africa.
Taco Bell is becoming a slightly trendier version of the soup kitchen, in fact it's only a short matter of time before they open their doors to the world, declare themselves the messiah and serve up a neverending supply of classic ingredients. After siezing world power and gaining the monopoly on public dining (ala Demolition Man) they will usher in an age of fast food welfare in which drunken college men flourish and multiply...
In the meantime I can just go to Wal-Mart and look under the vending machines for loose change.
The only way that taco bell could be any greater is if they brought back dr. pepper and would either speed up their always slow service or put another location IN MY MOUTH.
screw the burritos as big as your head, YO QUIERO dollar menu!
Taco Bell is becoming a slightly trendier version of the soup kitchen, in fact it's only a short matter of time before they open their doors to the world, declare themselves the messiah and serve up a neverending supply of classic ingredients. After siezing world power and gaining the monopoly on public dining (ala Demolition Man) they will usher in an age of fast food welfare in which drunken college men flourish and multiply...
In the meantime I can just go to Wal-Mart and look under the vending machines for loose change.
The only way that taco bell could be any greater is if they brought back dr. pepper and would either speed up their always slow service or put another location IN MY MOUTH.
screw the burritos as big as your head, YO QUIERO dollar menu!
10.14.2004
Old Folk and the Slow Driving Syndrome
I've recently been pondering the phenomenon known as "Why do old people drive so freaking slow?". Why do they do this? Do they realize what they're doing? It captivated my imagination so much that I decided to dedicate three hours of my life investigating this.
Like any good scientist, I made my hypothesis...I came up with 4 possible conclusions to the elusive question.
The first possible answer is that the lack of bone density that occurs with old age causes the ankle bones to become crisp and brittle, thus making it too difficult to apply the required amount of pressure on the gas peddle.
My next idea was...maybe retirees are so bored that they get great entertainment from the scenery. They simply "stop and smell the roses" while they're driving. Maybe they drive slow, because they have the time, because they can.
The third answer...It could be a generational thing. In their day, everybody drove land yachts in a cumbersome fashion. Maybe in the year 2050, the speed limit of 80 mph will seem outrageous to us. It could be the same thing for seniors now.
The last possible answer... Brain deterioration.
During my four hour investigation I drove around observing old people, I got 99 cent crispy chicken nuggets, I went to the rich catholic park. Then I tried desperately to find a single common characteristic between all the elderly. Besides the fact that they all drive Buick Century's I noticed that old men drive significantly slower than old women. I don't know why that is and I don't care. I learned nothing.
A couple days later I was driving home from Will's house, it was about two in the morning and I was far more tired than I commonly am. I noticed that everything seemed as if it was moving fast, then I looked down and noticed I was only going 45 mph, eeh gads! But it seemed soooo fast! I couldn't go any faster! too. much. speed. Then it hit me, the answer is fatigue! One of the common symptoms of old age is constant fatigue! "oooh I have to take a nap" "ooooh I just woke up, but I'm soooo tired" "all I did was go to the fridge, soooo tired!" "I did soooo much today, I got the mail, ate lunch and napped, I'm soooo tired!".
So there is your answer, senior citizens are simply too tired to drive fast.
What's the solution you ask!? You're sick risking my life trying to pass them all the time?
The answer is also simple. They need to STOP WAKING UP SO EARLY!!! STOP IT!
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man slowly, slowly drive" ~Benjamin Franklin
Like any good scientist, I made my hypothesis...I came up with 4 possible conclusions to the elusive question.
The first possible answer is that the lack of bone density that occurs with old age causes the ankle bones to become crisp and brittle, thus making it too difficult to apply the required amount of pressure on the gas peddle.
My next idea was...maybe retirees are so bored that they get great entertainment from the scenery. They simply "stop and smell the roses" while they're driving. Maybe they drive slow, because they have the time, because they can.
The third answer...It could be a generational thing. In their day, everybody drove land yachts in a cumbersome fashion. Maybe in the year 2050, the speed limit of 80 mph will seem outrageous to us. It could be the same thing for seniors now.
The last possible answer... Brain deterioration.
During my four hour investigation I drove around observing old people, I got 99 cent crispy chicken nuggets, I went to the rich catholic park. Then I tried desperately to find a single common characteristic between all the elderly. Besides the fact that they all drive Buick Century's I noticed that old men drive significantly slower than old women. I don't know why that is and I don't care. I learned nothing.
A couple days later I was driving home from Will's house, it was about two in the morning and I was far more tired than I commonly am. I noticed that everything seemed as if it was moving fast, then I looked down and noticed I was only going 45 mph, eeh gads! But it seemed soooo fast! I couldn't go any faster! too. much. speed. Then it hit me, the answer is fatigue! One of the common symptoms of old age is constant fatigue! "oooh I have to take a nap" "ooooh I just woke up, but I'm soooo tired" "all I did was go to the fridge, soooo tired!" "I did soooo much today, I got the mail, ate lunch and napped, I'm soooo tired!".
So there is your answer, senior citizens are simply too tired to drive fast.
What's the solution you ask!? You're sick risking my life trying to pass them all the time?
The answer is also simple. They need to STOP WAKING UP SO EARLY!!! STOP IT!
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man slowly, slowly drive" ~Benjamin Franklin
10.12.2004
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns
'The epic second installment of the Winning Seasons trilogy!'...
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns - rated PG-13
After becoming the scapegoat for ruining the Cubs chances in the 2003 playoffs, Steve Bartman returns after a year in hiding to seek his revenge on the Chicago Cubs. Sabotaging each of the players personal lives, he seeks to ruin their chances once again, but this time, it’s their own fault MWAHAHAH!!!
CAST
Ron Santo ------------------------ Al Pacino …“Patrick! Getting into the playoffs is gonna be toouuugh!”
Pat Hughes -----------------------Christopher Lee
Chip Caray -----------------------Bill Hemmer
Steve Stone ---------------------- Ricky Gervais
Steve Bartman ------------------ Hugo Weaving …”Inevitability, Mr. Alou!”
Harry Caray’s Ghost -----------Will Ferrell
The Curse Goat ----------------- Jack Black
Dusty Baker --------------------- Reginald VelJohnson
Pre-Steroids Sammy Sosa -----Dave Chappelle
Kerry Wood --------------------- Leonardo DiCaprio
Greg Maddux ------------------- Owen Wilson
Derek Lee ------------------------ Shaquille O’Neil …”Kyle, I thought I told, the fake to third pickoff move, hasn’t worked since the Cubs won their last world series”.
Moises Alou --------------------- Samuel L. Jackson …”I do not believe that Bartman could have returned without us knowing it”…
Aramis Ramirez ---------------- Mark Rufalo…”Hmm! hod to see SteeBotman iz!”
Corey Patterson -----------------Cuba Gooding Jr ..."Snow dogs? Nobody said anything about snow dogs! Lead off man? Nobody said anything about batting lead-off!"
Mark Prior -----------------------Ben Stiller
Michael Barrett ----------------- Dave Coulier
Mark Grudzielanek -------------Keanu Reeves
Nomar Garciaparra -------------Jeff Goldblum
Paul Bako -------------------------David Fears
Carlos Zambrano ---------------Jon Rhys-Davies
Latroy Hawkins -----------------Orlando Jones
Kid who gives
Sammy the special taco ------- Christopher Walken …“Hook my friend, SAMMY, up with one a your SPECIAL?, tacos”
FILM SCORE by Randy Newman
Part III coming soon! There will be a scene like in Return of the King where all the Cubs players flolick gayly in Kerry Wood's room after he has recovered from throwing Steve Bartman from the Sears tower, thus destroying the curse and restoring order to Chicago.
And the best part is that the credits will have Sir Mix-a-lot doing a super cool early 90's rap song that explains everything that just happened in the movie!
Chicago Cubs 2004: Bartman Returns - rated PG-13
After becoming the scapegoat for ruining the Cubs chances in the 2003 playoffs, Steve Bartman returns after a year in hiding to seek his revenge on the Chicago Cubs. Sabotaging each of the players personal lives, he seeks to ruin their chances once again, but this time, it’s their own fault MWAHAHAH!!!
CAST
Ron Santo ------------------------ Al Pacino …“Patrick! Getting into the playoffs is gonna be toouuugh!”
Pat Hughes -----------------------Christopher Lee
Chip Caray -----------------------Bill Hemmer
Steve Stone ---------------------- Ricky Gervais
Steve Bartman ------------------ Hugo Weaving …”Inevitability, Mr. Alou!”
Harry Caray’s Ghost -----------Will Ferrell
The Curse Goat ----------------- Jack Black
Dusty Baker --------------------- Reginald VelJohnson
Pre-Steroids Sammy Sosa -----Dave Chappelle
Kerry Wood --------------------- Leonardo DiCaprio
Greg Maddux ------------------- Owen Wilson
Derek Lee ------------------------ Shaquille O’Neil …”Kyle, I thought I told, the fake to third pickoff move, hasn’t worked since the Cubs won their last world series”.
Moises Alou --------------------- Samuel L. Jackson …”I do not believe that Bartman could have returned without us knowing it”…
Aramis Ramirez ---------------- Mark Rufalo…”Hmm! hod to see SteeBotman iz!”
Corey Patterson -----------------Cuba Gooding Jr ..."Snow dogs? Nobody said anything about snow dogs! Lead off man? Nobody said anything about batting lead-off!"
Mark Prior -----------------------Ben Stiller
Michael Barrett ----------------- Dave Coulier
Mark Grudzielanek -------------Keanu Reeves
Nomar Garciaparra -------------Jeff Goldblum
Paul Bako -------------------------David Fears
Carlos Zambrano ---------------Jon Rhys-Davies
Latroy Hawkins -----------------Orlando Jones
Kid who gives
Sammy the special taco ------- Christopher Walken …“Hook my friend, SAMMY, up with one a your SPECIAL?, tacos”
FILM SCORE by Randy Newman
Part III coming soon! There will be a scene like in Return of the King where all the Cubs players flolick gayly in Kerry Wood's room after he has recovered from throwing Steve Bartman from the Sears tower, thus destroying the curse and restoring order to Chicago.
And the best part is that the credits will have Sir Mix-a-lot doing a super cool early 90's rap song that explains everything that just happened in the movie!
10.04.2004
Secret Fad Confessions
I've been feeling little guilty lately. I always like to try and pretend like I'm immune to any pop culture or fashion trends but it's all a lie, a cheap and filthy facade. I have fallen for at least two fads, both of which I will confess now...
I purchased many Beanie Babies, I secretly desired them all. I wanted the blue jay one, I spent more than 50 dollars on them which is just ridiculous. I went loco and virtually rabid with excitement when I found the Princess Diana beanie. I still have three of them on display in my room but at least took a step toward recovery and ripped the tags off. The worst part is that I never really liked the toy itself, I thought that somehow these pieces of fabric stuffed with polyurethane would somehow someday be worth money. My aunt learned the hard way, she bought thousands of these things and is still recovering. I managed to escape with most of my cash and am writing inspirational blogs all over the internet.
the other...
I wore hawaiian shirts. I wore them and I thought they were cool. I was a jackass and I looked like one too. But...
at least I didn't wear sweater vests.
There is one other, kind of, I was part of the old man/Velcro shoe fad, but that doesn't really count since I basically started it.
I purchased many Beanie Babies, I secretly desired them all. I wanted the blue jay one, I spent more than 50 dollars on them which is just ridiculous. I went loco and virtually rabid with excitement when I found the Princess Diana beanie. I still have three of them on display in my room but at least took a step toward recovery and ripped the tags off. The worst part is that I never really liked the toy itself, I thought that somehow these pieces of fabric stuffed with polyurethane would somehow someday be worth money. My aunt learned the hard way, she bought thousands of these things and is still recovering. I managed to escape with most of my cash and am writing inspirational blogs all over the internet.
the other...
I wore hawaiian shirts. I wore them and I thought they were cool. I was a jackass and I looked like one too. But...
at least I didn't wear sweater vests.
There is one other, kind of, I was part of the old man/Velcro shoe fad, but that doesn't really count since I basically started it.
10.02.2004
The Future
As a wee child my every spare thought was occupied by my wonder of the future. I used to sit in the closet for hours just thinking about how amazing things would be in the year 2005, WHOA! That's soooo far away! Though I'm older now and a slightly more disillusioned about the world, I now realize that "the future" will never come. Though I was very disappointed when 2001 finally rolled around and space travel hadn't become accessible to the common man and we hadn't colonized Mars, I'm glad things don't look the way they do in any sci-fi movie predicting the future. They are all hideous glimpses at what should never be.
I like to put sci-fi futuristic films into two stylistic categories...
The first and by far the worst is "the future according to whatever decade the movie was made". I.e. Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Terminator 2 and Total Recall. Sure, they're entertaining movies but they all break rule #1 of predicting the future, never have the timeline of your film within the next 20 years. All the movies I listed above have already taken place in their ficticious universes and none of the things that take place in the film are even possible yet. Sure it's just a movie and it doesn't really matter but your best bet is to simply put the date it takes place in as "sometime in the ambiguous future" or "who knows" or better yet just put the date at some outrageously far time like 5385, but I think if you do that you risk being like 2001 space Odyssey and overestimating. I mean we had already moved past the "swanky" rat pack-esque martini-bar-in-every-house America by the time people got done watching it. "What do you want for your birthday darling?"
"A bush baby!"
"A bush baby!? You're insane. Well we'll just have to see about that, tell mumsy I called will you darling?"
The other vision of the future that I find much more plausible is the super-sterile future where no one smiles and everyone lives in a perfect politically correct bubble. I.e. The Matrix and Gattaca. With the advent of new technologies we rely less and less on other human beings, I absolutely love the new "do it yourself" lanes at Wal-Mart. I no longer have to deal with the perma-cranky cashiers anymore! It's great! But, eventually everything will be that way, robots will soon be taking my order at Taco Bell and I'll be joining the revolution to destroy the robots who have stolen my job. I predict by 3030 that nearly everything will become automated, putting millions of minimum wage employees out of business.
What's the point of this? I don't know but I just hope that we don't make the robots too angry, they can hurt us!
I like to put sci-fi futuristic films into two stylistic categories...
The first and by far the worst is "the future according to whatever decade the movie was made". I.e. Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Terminator 2 and Total Recall. Sure, they're entertaining movies but they all break rule #1 of predicting the future, never have the timeline of your film within the next 20 years. All the movies I listed above have already taken place in their ficticious universes and none of the things that take place in the film are even possible yet. Sure it's just a movie and it doesn't really matter but your best bet is to simply put the date it takes place in as "sometime in the ambiguous future" or "who knows" or better yet just put the date at some outrageously far time like 5385, but I think if you do that you risk being like 2001 space Odyssey and overestimating. I mean we had already moved past the "swanky" rat pack-esque martini-bar-in-every-house America by the time people got done watching it. "What do you want for your birthday darling?"
"A bush baby!"
"A bush baby!? You're insane. Well we'll just have to see about that, tell mumsy I called will you darling?"
The other vision of the future that I find much more plausible is the super-sterile future where no one smiles and everyone lives in a perfect politically correct bubble. I.e. The Matrix and Gattaca. With the advent of new technologies we rely less and less on other human beings, I absolutely love the new "do it yourself" lanes at Wal-Mart. I no longer have to deal with the perma-cranky cashiers anymore! It's great! But, eventually everything will be that way, robots will soon be taking my order at Taco Bell and I'll be joining the revolution to destroy the robots who have stolen my job. I predict by 3030 that nearly everything will become automated, putting millions of minimum wage employees out of business.
What's the point of this? I don't know but I just hope that we don't make the robots too angry, they can hurt us!
10.01.2004
Now that the Cubs Season is Over...
Now that the Cubs have officially blown any chances of being in the post season this year, who can we blame for this disappointment? We as fans need an outlet for our rage so let's look at all the factors that lead to 2004 Cubs suckiness...
Everyone had huge expectations for this year and that was understandable, a team that was only five outs from the world series last year had added to their great roster this year. Though I'm not superstitious in the least, I do believe in jinxes. I make sure to knock on wood at all times. So the first problem with this year was the Sports Illustrated jinx. The good folks at sports illustrated must have never heard the story of the Titanic, "not even God himself could sink this ship". "The 2004 Cubs will win the world series". Good job guys. I remember being so excited about that cover story even considering that S.I. had probably had Rashaan Salaam and Ryan Leaf as the next big things in football. But can words really determine the outcome of something? Yes. It happens all the time, let's say you're driving in a car and you say to your friends "man this old car has never let me down" or "I could drive on empty for miles and miles!" When you make a statement of fact very confidently and say it in a way that there could be no other outcome, fate itself intervenes and brings balance to the universe by screwing you.
The next problem this year had was that the fans suddenly deciding to start booing. This year was the only year with expectations, rarely ever does a Cub season have the expectation to do well. Because of that fact, the fans decided to start booing when things didn't go according to those expectations. The problem with this is that you can't just be passive happy go lucky fans one year and then the next start acting like Phillies fans. You have to make a gradual transition to being angry fans, sure the Cubs need a motivation, the fans WERE too passive, but the Cubs players had become too sensitive and needed to be weaned on anger until they could handle a sufficient crowd beating.
Overall it was an interesting year, there were ups and downs, there were plenty of exciting times, there was a winning record, but they didn't do what they were supposed to. They were too good of a team to not get anywhere. Oh well, I'll just use the excuse people use when they lose...it's just a game. ugh.
Everyone had huge expectations for this year and that was understandable, a team that was only five outs from the world series last year had added to their great roster this year. Though I'm not superstitious in the least, I do believe in jinxes. I make sure to knock on wood at all times. So the first problem with this year was the Sports Illustrated jinx. The good folks at sports illustrated must have never heard the story of the Titanic, "not even God himself could sink this ship". "The 2004 Cubs will win the world series". Good job guys. I remember being so excited about that cover story even considering that S.I. had probably had Rashaan Salaam and Ryan Leaf as the next big things in football. But can words really determine the outcome of something? Yes. It happens all the time, let's say you're driving in a car and you say to your friends "man this old car has never let me down" or "I could drive on empty for miles and miles!" When you make a statement of fact very confidently and say it in a way that there could be no other outcome, fate itself intervenes and brings balance to the universe by screwing you.
The next problem this year had was that the fans suddenly deciding to start booing. This year was the only year with expectations, rarely ever does a Cub season have the expectation to do well. Because of that fact, the fans decided to start booing when things didn't go according to those expectations. The problem with this is that you can't just be passive happy go lucky fans one year and then the next start acting like Phillies fans. You have to make a gradual transition to being angry fans, sure the Cubs need a motivation, the fans WERE too passive, but the Cubs players had become too sensitive and needed to be weaned on anger until they could handle a sufficient crowd beating.
Overall it was an interesting year, there were ups and downs, there were plenty of exciting times, there was a winning record, but they didn't do what they were supposed to. They were too good of a team to not get anywhere. Oh well, I'll just use the excuse people use when they lose...it's just a game. ugh.
9.30.2004
Michael Jackson's Moonraker
Sega 1990
What. I remember as a lad staying up long nights dreaming and praying that one day I could experience what it was like to have the awesome moves of Michael Jackson. Even if only in video game form, I wanted to be like Mike. Only years later after the dream had faded (as well as my attempts to start a successful tribute act) did I realize it had already been done, and I had been living in vain.
Supposedly based on plans imagined by Jacko himself our good friends at SEGA managed to capture the King of Pop in all his glory. Everything is remarkably accurate; Bubbles the monkey, helpless children, fighting the mob in a nightclub...yep, it's just as amazing as it sounds. The best part of this game is that you can choose which pre-'Black or White' era hit you want to "beat it" to. The soundtrack provides the much needed adrenaline rush as you scroll through a shady night club sending gangsters to hell with powerful magic that radiates from MJ's sparkly glove. Usually I just stick with the classic Billie Jean, but sometimes late at night I choose Smooth Criminal.
So here we go, since there's no introduction (or maybe the feature film is required pre-viewing) we have to assume that Michael is some kind of dancing crime-fighter who persouses the ungly side of towns busting kiddy porn rings at dive-bars. This is based on the opening level where we see him spin furiously into a pool hall that apparently allows children to wallow under tables, clinging to their teddy bears.
As Michael you can, of course, employ all his wicked dance moves in order to rescue these exploited children and hence shut down the pedophilic nightclub...
WOOOOooo! EEh-Hee! Now that one of my gaming fantasies has come to fruition I find myself thinking of what other music/gaming entertainment crossover possibilities are out there. MMORPG version of The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway? A Grand Theft Auto style game starring Morrissey? I can only dream.
Mmh! Who's bad? Shagh-mogh! Luckily for Michael the gangsters do not carry automatic weapons...and the bullets seem to be made of nerf.
"No, stop it, ouch, little girl, please help uncle Michael."
*Game Tip: leave the children. You'll be doing them a favor.
9.29.2004
Peter Gabriel "Us"
Peter Gabriel - Us (1992)
Released in 1992, 'Us' was Peter's sixth solo album and the album which followed up his most commercially successful 'So'. This album had the challenge of trying to top his last effort which had three of the four songs he's most known for, "In Your Eyes", "Sledgehammer", "Mercy Street" and also had the 80's favorite "Big Time". Even though 'So' was a great commercial success and does have some great songs on it, it feels rather empty due to the fact that there's hardly any flow to the album, and also because two of the songs come across as nothing more than time fillers, "Milgram's 37" and "This is the Picture".
I believe any great album is a body of music that plays like a story, something that gives you a mental picture of something that could be happening from each song to the next. You should feel like you've been taken from point A to point B. A beginning and an end, something which 'So' lacked. 'Us' transcends the songs themselves and you judge the body of work, not just "oh that song was good, what's next?" type of thing...
In a review I once read of Peter Gabriel's music it said that he is the "master of subtlety". Little things, noises and effects in the background, the way certain instruments are played at certain times to accent or create a mood is just as important as the songs themselves. This is the most evident in this album. There are amazing things going on constantly in your ears which makes the album an event, something you want to go back to again and again...
The album begins perfectly with the beautifully rhythmic "Come Talk to Me". The song begins with a thick guitar part that sounds like a vacuum cleaner (nice picture huh?) and immediately busts into a wonderful chorus of bagpipes...The first time I listened to this it almost came across as cheesy, I mean who likes the bagpipes? Well I like them now, I actually think they're beautiful in the right context...Anyway....'come talk to me' has perhaps the most beautiful lyrics of all the songs on the album, it speaks of someone deep in despair who's life can be changed by talking things out with a friend or lover.
The next two songs, "Love to be Loved" and "Blood of Eden" flow almost seamlessly from each other, not because they are that similar but because it feels like one chapter of book has ended and this the next has begun. The "character" has started a new scene. "Love to be Loved" is also a very rhythmic jungle sounding song that's full of passion, it sounds like someone pleading or desiring someone to love them. 'Eden' plays perfectly off that feeling, this love ballad is a song sung between two lovers. It's like the third part of the first act, "Come Talk to Me" is the relationship going astray, "Love to be Loved" is the desperation of wanting someone back, and "Blood of Eden" is the reconciliation...
The next song "Steam" was a song I had always considered as nothing more than "Sledgehammer part II", it's kind of an interruption of the flow that had been established with the first three songs but now I see the song as something of an intermission, it's like the musical chase scenes in Scooby-Doo, our character is doing something exciting. 'Steam' is one of the more upbeat songs on the album and really sort of sets you free from the introspective first three songs. It's just fun, even though the early 90's white people rap at the end always kind of annoys me. I still can't find Vanilla Ice in the credits.
Then comes "Only Us", my second favorite song on the album. The bass part in this song is just amazing, it's accents everything perfectly. It seems like there's a million tiny things happening throughout this seemingly simple tune. 'Only Us' works perfectly after 'Steam' bringing things to a sudden halt here, like you just fell of a cliff...
The whole "lazy river" mental image continues with the great song "Washing of the Water". A Randy Newman-ish simple little song about riding on a river or could also be a metaphor for suicide. The song is both beautiful yet horrible depressing. It almost brings me to tears every time I hear it...
Things kick back up again with the biggest hit and my favorite song of the album "Digging in the Dirt". The song is just uber cool, I can't really explain more than that. The rhythm is great and the chorus just kicks you in the A.. "Don't talk back, just drive the car, shut your mouth and know what you are". The song is about dealing with the anger that grips people's lives and those lyrics from the chorus just perfectly illustrate it in a very loud and blatant way...
Not long before this Peter had worked on the sountrack for "The Last Temptation of Christ" (very awesome soundtrack by the way). The middle eastern inspired rhythms and music from that album definitely inspired this next song "Fourteen Black Paintings". It almost sounds like something left off of that album and put on here...
Here comes Peter's only child friendly song..."Kiss That Frog". It sounds like something he wrote for a sesame Street appearance that never happened. It's not that bad though, the beat is awesome and the guitar part is pretty rockin'. It also has the only appearance of a harmonica in any Gabriel song and also features Peter's famous "frog voice"(?) I guess that's what it's called...
And then things are finally wrapped up with "Secret World", a perfect ending to our journey. This song played live is probably one of my top 5 Peter Gabriel songs (the version on the 'Growing Up Live' DVD is the most magnificent thing your ears will ever hear. The ending is absolutely awesome, but you can tell that loud jam at the end was something that evolved during the first tour because on the album nothing really happens with it, it sort of just fizzles at the end. The song is still a great lyrical piece and a wonderful way to end it. "shaking it up, making it up, in our secret world".
8.76/10 pots of gold
Released in 1992, 'Us' was Peter's sixth solo album and the album which followed up his most commercially successful 'So'. This album had the challenge of trying to top his last effort which had three of the four songs he's most known for, "In Your Eyes", "Sledgehammer", "Mercy Street" and also had the 80's favorite "Big Time". Even though 'So' was a great commercial success and does have some great songs on it, it feels rather empty due to the fact that there's hardly any flow to the album, and also because two of the songs come across as nothing more than time fillers, "Milgram's 37" and "This is the Picture".
I believe any great album is a body of music that plays like a story, something that gives you a mental picture of something that could be happening from each song to the next. You should feel like you've been taken from point A to point B. A beginning and an end, something which 'So' lacked. 'Us' transcends the songs themselves and you judge the body of work, not just "oh that song was good, what's next?" type of thing...
In a review I once read of Peter Gabriel's music it said that he is the "master of subtlety". Little things, noises and effects in the background, the way certain instruments are played at certain times to accent or create a mood is just as important as the songs themselves. This is the most evident in this album. There are amazing things going on constantly in your ears which makes the album an event, something you want to go back to again and again...
The album begins perfectly with the beautifully rhythmic "Come Talk to Me". The song begins with a thick guitar part that sounds like a vacuum cleaner (nice picture huh?) and immediately busts into a wonderful chorus of bagpipes...The first time I listened to this it almost came across as cheesy, I mean who likes the bagpipes? Well I like them now, I actually think they're beautiful in the right context...Anyway....'come talk to me' has perhaps the most beautiful lyrics of all the songs on the album, it speaks of someone deep in despair who's life can be changed by talking things out with a friend or lover.
The next two songs, "Love to be Loved" and "Blood of Eden" flow almost seamlessly from each other, not because they are that similar but because it feels like one chapter of book has ended and this the next has begun. The "character" has started a new scene. "Love to be Loved" is also a very rhythmic jungle sounding song that's full of passion, it sounds like someone pleading or desiring someone to love them. 'Eden' plays perfectly off that feeling, this love ballad is a song sung between two lovers. It's like the third part of the first act, "Come Talk to Me" is the relationship going astray, "Love to be Loved" is the desperation of wanting someone back, and "Blood of Eden" is the reconciliation...
The next song "Steam" was a song I had always considered as nothing more than "Sledgehammer part II", it's kind of an interruption of the flow that had been established with the first three songs but now I see the song as something of an intermission, it's like the musical chase scenes in Scooby-Doo, our character is doing something exciting. 'Steam' is one of the more upbeat songs on the album and really sort of sets you free from the introspective first three songs. It's just fun, even though the early 90's white people rap at the end always kind of annoys me. I still can't find Vanilla Ice in the credits.
Then comes "Only Us", my second favorite song on the album. The bass part in this song is just amazing, it's accents everything perfectly. It seems like there's a million tiny things happening throughout this seemingly simple tune. 'Only Us' works perfectly after 'Steam' bringing things to a sudden halt here, like you just fell of a cliff...
The whole "lazy river" mental image continues with the great song "Washing of the Water". A Randy Newman-ish simple little song about riding on a river or could also be a metaphor for suicide. The song is both beautiful yet horrible depressing. It almost brings me to tears every time I hear it...
Things kick back up again with the biggest hit and my favorite song of the album "Digging in the Dirt". The song is just uber cool, I can't really explain more than that. The rhythm is great and the chorus just kicks you in the A.. "Don't talk back, just drive the car, shut your mouth and know what you are". The song is about dealing with the anger that grips people's lives and those lyrics from the chorus just perfectly illustrate it in a very loud and blatant way...
Not long before this Peter had worked on the sountrack for "The Last Temptation of Christ" (very awesome soundtrack by the way). The middle eastern inspired rhythms and music from that album definitely inspired this next song "Fourteen Black Paintings". It almost sounds like something left off of that album and put on here...
Here comes Peter's only child friendly song..."Kiss That Frog". It sounds like something he wrote for a sesame Street appearance that never happened. It's not that bad though, the beat is awesome and the guitar part is pretty rockin'. It also has the only appearance of a harmonica in any Gabriel song and also features Peter's famous "frog voice"(?) I guess that's what it's called...
And then things are finally wrapped up with "Secret World", a perfect ending to our journey. This song played live is probably one of my top 5 Peter Gabriel songs (the version on the 'Growing Up Live' DVD is the most magnificent thing your ears will ever hear. The ending is absolutely awesome, but you can tell that loud jam at the end was something that evolved during the first tour because on the album nothing really happens with it, it sort of just fizzles at the end. The song is still a great lyrical piece and a wonderful way to end it. "shaking it up, making it up, in our secret world".
8.76/10 pots of gold
9.27.2004
Sky Captain and the World of 1940
Saturday used to be the fun day. Ninja Turtles was on and friends would come over, we'd blow on the Nintendo cartridges all day trying to get them to work. After giving up we'd just go outside and hit each other with sticks. It was the most funnest day. Now Saturdays are miserable. The day might as well not even exist. What was once so closely associated with fun in my mind is now just work day and the day before the day before I have school again. Everyone works on Saturdays now, so it's almost illegal to do anything then.
SO, I decided to try and recapture the glory days of Saturday morning by going to see the new movie "Sky Captain and the World of tomorrow". I headed for the "Palace" cinema with a couple movies in mind. Maybe I'll see Bernie Mac's "Mr. 3000" it's about baseball craziness, how on earth will Bernie get his 3000th hit again!? He's soooo old! How can I lose? The next choice was "Sky Captain and the World of Tommorow". Hmm, I like the word Captain and I'd love to see what the world of tomorrow looks like! I had also read a favorable review before-hand that said things like "different" and "pleasant", whatever, it has giant freakin robots and Angelina Jolie and giant robots. So I gave the scary man behind the counter my 7.50 and headed right toward theater eight.
I went into the movie with a few biases, first of all I hate the entire cast. Jude Law is the snootiest Brit since the Queen herself, Gwyneth Paltrow is the Queen of mediocre and Angelina Jolie is just Angelina Jolie. I also heard that the whole movie was done on blue screen...Which reminded me of another movie that was done all on blue screen...The Star Wars prequal trilogy, that didn't necessarily mean anything good or bad to me, but I was wary about how they could pull off a completely CGI environment...
The visual style of the movie took me about fifteen minutes to get used to, they accomplished a good CGI world look by blurring the film and adding this strange soft outline quality to it which makes everything look more real but also makes your eyes bleed.
Turn off your cell phones and stop smoking, the movie's starting!!! WHAt the!? 5 minutes in and I learn that the "world of tomorrow" is actually the world of 1940! But alas, I enjoy the 1940's noir style, I do own a couple fedoras myself. Even though it was hard to see what was going on at times because of the blurriness, the style of this movie is fantastic.
'Sky Captain' went all out with the 1930's and 40's style of Buck Roger-esqe action serial where everything is so clear cut, villain, hero, the girl and what needs to be accomplished spelled out in the sky. Though I realized what it was supposed to be, I felt like I was riding an emotional fence in regards to my opinion of the film. At times there were images and things that were just so crazy and far fetched (even for me) that at any second I felt that I could fall to one side and think that this movie was absolutely absurd. On the other side there's the Saturday morning cartoon aspect that's just fun escapist entertainment. In the end the fun side of the movie really took over and that's all you notice. Sky Captain is definitely meant to be overthetop and that's something you have to realize going in to see it, if you try and overanalyze it you'll ruin it for yourself. Just don't think, accept, be a robot. Like they say in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song "repeat to yourself it's just a show, you should really just relax".
7.95/10 horseshoes
SO, I decided to try and recapture the glory days of Saturday morning by going to see the new movie "Sky Captain and the World of tomorrow". I headed for the "Palace" cinema with a couple movies in mind. Maybe I'll see Bernie Mac's "Mr. 3000" it's about baseball craziness, how on earth will Bernie get his 3000th hit again!? He's soooo old! How can I lose? The next choice was "Sky Captain and the World of Tommorow". Hmm, I like the word Captain and I'd love to see what the world of tomorrow looks like! I had also read a favorable review before-hand that said things like "different" and "pleasant", whatever, it has giant freakin robots and Angelina Jolie and giant robots. So I gave the scary man behind the counter my 7.50 and headed right toward theater eight.
I went into the movie with a few biases, first of all I hate the entire cast. Jude Law is the snootiest Brit since the Queen herself, Gwyneth Paltrow is the Queen of mediocre and Angelina Jolie is just Angelina Jolie. I also heard that the whole movie was done on blue screen...Which reminded me of another movie that was done all on blue screen...The Star Wars prequal trilogy, that didn't necessarily mean anything good or bad to me, but I was wary about how they could pull off a completely CGI environment...
The visual style of the movie took me about fifteen minutes to get used to, they accomplished a good CGI world look by blurring the film and adding this strange soft outline quality to it which makes everything look more real but also makes your eyes bleed.
Turn off your cell phones and stop smoking, the movie's starting!!! WHAt the!? 5 minutes in and I learn that the "world of tomorrow" is actually the world of 1940! But alas, I enjoy the 1940's noir style, I do own a couple fedoras myself. Even though it was hard to see what was going on at times because of the blurriness, the style of this movie is fantastic.
'Sky Captain' went all out with the 1930's and 40's style of Buck Roger-esqe action serial where everything is so clear cut, villain, hero, the girl and what needs to be accomplished spelled out in the sky. Though I realized what it was supposed to be, I felt like I was riding an emotional fence in regards to my opinion of the film. At times there were images and things that were just so crazy and far fetched (even for me) that at any second I felt that I could fall to one side and think that this movie was absolutely absurd. On the other side there's the Saturday morning cartoon aspect that's just fun escapist entertainment. In the end the fun side of the movie really took over and that's all you notice. Sky Captain is definitely meant to be overthetop and that's something you have to realize going in to see it, if you try and overanalyze it you'll ruin it for yourself. Just don't think, accept, be a robot. Like they say in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song "repeat to yourself it's just a show, you should really just relax".
7.95/10 horseshoes
7.08.2004
Cubs "All Groovy Team" Brett and Ryan's Picks
Pitchers...
1920 P "Hungry Hungry" Hippo Vaughn 19-16 2.54 0
1920 P Virgil "Ask" Cheeves (0-0, 3.50)
1987 P Dickie Noles 4-2 3.50 2
1987 P Bob "0 and 4" Tewksbury (0-4, 6.50)
1992 P Bob "The Builder" Scanlan 3-6 2.89 14
The Bench...
1982 2B Bump "N' Grind" Wills .272 6 38
1981 2B Mike Tyson .185 2 8
1981 SS Ivan "The Passion" DeJesus .194 0 13
Starters...
1995 C Mark "Pine Pony" Parent .250 3 5
1986 1B Steve Christmas .111 0 2
1900 2B Cupid Childs .241 0 44
1930 3B Woody "speak-a-no" English .335 14 59
1924 SS Rabbit "In the Hole" Maranville .233 0 23
1975 OF Rick "Sad Sad" Monday .267 17 60
1992 OF Chico "El Freako" Walker .115 0 2
1989 OF Marvell "Lil Magic" Wynne .187 1 4
------------
Brett and I frequently talk about old baseball players, especially former Cubs players. Last night we had our usual game of remember him?! Well based on that conversation here is the Chicago Cubs All-Groovy Team:
Catcher- Hector "The Tractor" Villanueva
First Base- Julio "Coolio" Zuleta (Look it up)
Second Base- Domingo "Bailamos" Ramos
Shortstop-Jeff "Tuck Tuck" Kunkel
Third Base- Luis "Sally" Salazer
Right Field- Scott "The Demon" Bullett
Center Field- Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes
Left Field- Ozzie "Timid" Timmons
DH in honor of interleague play- Candy "Land" Maldonaldo
Super Sub- Rick "Corona" Wrona
Rotation:
Jaime "Low Carb" Navarro
Jim " The Hustler" Bullinger
Mike "Barkey" Harkey
Shawn "The Honkie" Boskie
AL "Don't Touch My" NIPPER!!!!!
Bullpen:
Heathcliff "Cliffy" Slocumb
Chuck "The Professor" McElroy
MEL" Fattie" ROJAS!!!!
Felix "Fo Shizzle" Heredia
RICK "Rogaine" AGUILERA!!
Antonio "Six Fingers/El Pulpo/Octupus" Alfonseca
6.09.2004
Project Girlfriend
I usually make it a habit to steer clear of writing anything self promoting or self indulgent. I prefer to keep my comments based on things that are not about me. But today I've decided to make my once a year exception and see how things turn out...My "love life" can be divided into four stages, ages 1 to 5 - girls are girls because they have long hair and wear dresses! Basically they are non exsistent. Ages 6 to 10 - the "cootie years". Ages 11 to 18 - the "I have better things to do" years. Ages 18.5 to 11:33 PM - the "what the crap! I need a girlfriend now!" month...
Aye, that's right, that tiny piece of my cold cold heart that used to be filled with Star Wars action figures and make believe wars is now empty. It went away much sooner than I had hoped or expected. Now I'm left here alone packing up my toys into boxes and signing imaginary peace treaties with the galactic empire. So what does this all mean? It's an opportunity, I think. I know there are plenty of you out there who are overly interested in people's love affairs. So I'm asking all you nosey cupids to play matchmaker for yours truly (that's me). I also know by the amount constant inquiries that many of you would also consider it the second coming if, when after you ask "the question" that I were to say "oh yeah, I'm dating ______ ______ now" instead of the usual "whatta YOU think?"
I know what you're saying, "why don't you be like every other human being and look for a girl yourself?" Well, because I'm not like every person and I'm definitely NOT like Sherlock Holmes. Heck, I'm not even like Inspector Gadget. I can't even begin to understand body languange or even concieve of how to discern what a girl may be thinking. I can't take a hint. I don't know whether a girl likes me or not unless she says "I like you in a way that is more than friends, let's date."
Sad huh?
I know how greedy people are so the big prize for the winner of "Project Girlfriend" 2004 gets a genuine autographed photo of me! Isn't that cool! Oh yeah it is....Now that I have your sympathy, get to work!
Aye, that's right, that tiny piece of my cold cold heart that used to be filled with Star Wars action figures and make believe wars is now empty. It went away much sooner than I had hoped or expected. Now I'm left here alone packing up my toys into boxes and signing imaginary peace treaties with the galactic empire. So what does this all mean? It's an opportunity, I think. I know there are plenty of you out there who are overly interested in people's love affairs. So I'm asking all you nosey cupids to play matchmaker for yours truly (that's me). I also know by the amount constant inquiries that many of you would also consider it the second coming if, when after you ask "the question" that I were to say "oh yeah, I'm dating ______ ______ now" instead of the usual "whatta YOU think?"
I know what you're saying, "why don't you be like every other human being and look for a girl yourself?" Well, because I'm not like every person and I'm definitely NOT like Sherlock Holmes. Heck, I'm not even like Inspector Gadget. I can't even begin to understand body languange or even concieve of how to discern what a girl may be thinking. I can't take a hint. I don't know whether a girl likes me or not unless she says "I like you in a way that is more than friends, let's date."
Sad huh?
I know how greedy people are so the big prize for the winner of "Project Girlfriend" 2004 gets a genuine autographed photo of me! Isn't that cool! Oh yeah it is....Now that I have your sympathy, get to work!
5.09.2004
Sometimes it Takes a Man's Drink to Keep Me Swingin!
He's a famous actor! Because we said so! Like the old saying or whatever says, "if you have to ask, it's not worth it." I think I made that up. BUT, this is still (WOW!) the best cocktail juice I ever tasted. But, I don't think I see any official quote from Victor so how do I know he really endorses this product? Well, let me call him and ask...ring! ring! Hey Vic baby! What's the deal with this new Tumayta juice dey got now?! Is it rich and satisfying? Is it cool and clean? Does it make me a man? "I don't know, yes, yes yes, no. How do I know he isn't drinking scotch? How do I know that he is THE Victor McLaglen? The proof is in the WOW! It's all about flavor baby. It's all about having a nice refreshing cocktail beverage in your hand, wit da lucky brand cigs in ya mout' and listenin' to some chairman of da board, cha cha cha! Arinka dinka doo! "if you could use some exotic juice...you know the rest! (wink!)"
4.09.2004
The Party Ranch is Where it's at!
Hmmm, I'm a little hesitant. I recently ate at an El Rancherito, aka "the ranch", but am I ready for a "Party ranch"? Or is that "Ranch party"? Let's begin...elo sir wooh you like to drink". "Hmmm, well I think I'll have a water...oh no, what the heck gimme an Orange soda...a FANTA"
Before I have time to even turn and look at the giant faux decorative tree my drink has arrive and I am ready to order...hmmm which combo number should I pick this time...I wonder what #13 is, "I'll have the combo number thirteen".
Oh look! There it is, the piniata, the "Fiesta" of Ranchera is now justified.
The question then comes to my mind why I like enjoy this restaraunt so much? Is it the food? Sorta. Is it the atmosphere and the TV showing Univision? No. The reason I love this place so much is because of the people. I love the waiters at Fiesta, they just do their job, they don't try to be funny or try to work the tip, they just come and go at a good pace. Refilling and re-chipping. It's constant and comfortable.
So I just want to say thank you to the non suprising hard working folk of the party ranch. Thanks for not trying be my friend!
Before I have time to even turn and look at the giant faux decorative tree my drink has arrive and I am ready to order...hmmm which combo number should I pick this time...I wonder what #13 is, "I'll have the combo number thirteen".
Oh look! There it is, the piniata, the "Fiesta" of Ranchera is now justified.
The question then comes to my mind why I like enjoy this restaraunt so much? Is it the food? Sorta. Is it the atmosphere and the TV showing Univision? No. The reason I love this place so much is because of the people. I love the waiters at Fiesta, they just do their job, they don't try to be funny or try to work the tip, they just come and go at a good pace. Refilling and re-chipping. It's constant and comfortable.
So I just want to say thank you to the non suprising hard working folk of the party ranch. Thanks for not trying be my friend!
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