The Party Ranch is Where it's at!

Hmmm, I'm a little hesitant. I recently ate at an El Rancherito, aka "the ranch", but am I ready for a "Party ranch"? Or is that "Ranch party"? Let's begin...elo sir wooh you like to drink". "Hmmm, well I think I'll have a water...oh no, what the heck gimme an Orange soda...a FANTA"
Before I have time to even turn and look at the giant faux decorative tree my drink has arrive and I am ready to order...hmmm which combo number should I pick this time...I wonder what #13 is, "I'll have the combo number thirteen".
Oh look! There it is, the piniata, the "Fiesta" of Ranchera is now justified.
The question then comes to my mind why I like enjoy this restaraunt so much? Is it the food? Sorta. Is it the atmosphere and the TV showing Univision? No. The reason I love this place so much is because of the people. I love the waiters at Fiesta, they just do their job, they don't try to be funny or try to work the tip, they just come and go at a good pace. Refilling and re-chipping. It's constant and comfortable.
So I just want to say thank you to the non suprising hard working folk of the party ranch. Thanks for not trying be my friend!

Dora: Ignorance For Toddlers by TOM BROOM

Dora the Explorer. Ignorance for Toddlers.

I have a “bone to pick” with this up and coming trendy Nick Jr. television show about a
Spanish speaking girl and her monkey friend “Boots”. For those of you who
haven’t seen the show, every episode Dora and Boots have to follow a path to accomplish some
stupid, pointless task. OK, now for my problems with the show...

1. There is a fox called Swiper, and as his name suggest, he swipes things.
When he shows up Dora asks the kids to say “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no
swiping!” and as a result he doesn’t swipe. What are we teaching or kids? The
next time they are in an alley and some homeless bug starts coming at them,
they are going to start yelling “minority no raping, minority no raping” and
expect it to work. Well, it won’t.

2. In the show, Dora has many friends that only respond to Spanish so the show
is educational. What is this? We are doing everything but open the American borders
so every Cuban can load the family up in a inflatable raft and come over for
some good ol' feed the poor food shelf in these here United States.

3. SHES FAT!!!! Why are we teaching out kids it's ok to be fat when it isn’t.
Fat people are useless and need to be made fun of, not told “it’s ok, its not
your fault."...No fatties swiper, no fatties indeed."

That’s all for tom, and man do I hate fat kids.

Watson the Wombat

My dog Watson is starting to get very very old... The old shnauzer also known as "the wombat" has been in our family for ages and ages, he's like part Grandpa, part brother, part slave but he's always just sort of been there to talk to. That's what I like about him and most pets, they just sit there and stare, not really listening but that's why it's a good thing. They don't know what you're saying so they can't tell your secrets or judge you. We got Watson in California back in 1994 and even then he wasn't a puppy. He's starting to lose his vision and hearing and part of me thinks he's faking it, or just ignoring me. That's always been his attitude. He's a caring dog, yet I just know he purposefully does stuff just to get me PO'd. But now that he's getting old I take it easy on the yelling, giving him the occasional laugh when he runs into something on accident or sits there when I call him from 10 feet away. He used to always follow me around constantly but nowadays his bowels are fragile so he spends his days in retirement on the back porch. He's lived a full rich doggy life going on about 84 in dog years. I'm not sure what the point of this story is, I guess it's just an ode to an easy going dog who has always been a stable fixture of the Warren family.

Theories on the Location of the Holy Grail Revealed!

There are two theories about WHAT the Holy Grail is. The first and most common is that it was the cup of christ, used during the last supper and which caught Christ's blood at the crucifixion. This cup was stolen by Joseph of Aramathia, taken to Avalon, then stolen about a thousand more times and searched for by King Arthur and Indiana Jones in many legends.
The Second theory is that the cup of christ or the "holy grai" aka san greal aka sang real was a vessel or "cup" which carried the blood of Christ. Hmm, what carries blood besides cups and baggies at hospitals? People's bodies! So according ot blasphemers, Christ perhaps had a decendent. We're not going to look at that though.

So where is the holy grail you ask? Where can you find the key to long life and fortune?
Well, after it was used at the last supper it probably remained in the house which it took place, for about 20 years maybe. Then after one of the many times Jerusalem was ransaked, the house where the holy grail was most likely burned to ground, rebuilt and burned again, thus destroying the grail.
But wait you say! I thought it was taken to the crucifixion and used to catch the blood of christ?
No, there weren't fast food restraunts then, so people didn't walk around holding cups.

Michael Moore Hates Santa Claus

Around election time it is often said by people of the right winged persuasion that writer and director Michael Moore is anti-American and anti-support our troops, that he indeed "Hates America". But every single year when the holiday season rolls around, there's someone that Michael hates "Moore" (Clever!) than America....
In Michael Moore's universe the term "stupid white men" equates to those who are a) CAUCASION b) MALE c) OLD d) REPUBLICAN e) POLITICIANS and or CEO's. So when it comes to Chris Cringle it's only natural to put two and two together...in the history of the world very few people have controlled such a large global merchandising empire that Santa Clause has. He is responsible for over 40% of Christmas gifts for the average household and his market spans over all English speaking countrys, catholic and protestant countrys, military occupied countrys and Japan. Now you might be thinking, "well then that means that Moore hates other holiday icons too, like the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, St. Patrick, the Great Pumpkin and the Kawanza Monkey". No, no it doesn't, all these holiday icons are minorities, case closed.
Besides being a corporate fat cat who promotes a religious oriented holiday, there is another reason why Michael Moore hates Santa Clause. Santa's work force is deplorable and goes totally against all equal opportunity employment laws. "NAY!" ye may be thinking, "Santa employs midgets! That's a disability, isn't it?!" Absolutely not children...Santa employs elves which are are not technically midgets and if we've learned anything from Lord of the Rings it's that Elves are the whitest and most elite spieces. They have super vision, super speed, nice hair and are all beautiful. Besides not being old, Elves embody everything that Michael Moore is against; healthy, hardworking people who have an awesome army.
Before we get out our torches and pitchforkes we have to stop and decide if Michael Moore's justification for hating clause is understandable.

No. It isn't. But there are two reasons why we can and should hate Santa...
1. Santa takes all the attention away from Jesus on Christmas, maybe it's not really his fault, like all the problems in society IT'S THE FAULT OF THE CHILDREN! They are distracted by Santa's promise of material goods every year, shame on you kids.

and 2. If you move the n past the a in santa you get satan!

Just Go Limp

Are you tired of being controlled by athourity, the old man, the fuzz, pops, the geezer, the old maid? What do you usually do as a way of getting back at them? Be rebellious, shoot pool, listen to the devils music. Is that really working for you? Probably not, your parents just take away your stuff and yell. There is just no winning is there?! Shut up, there is. Just go limp, yes you heard me, fall to the ground and refuse to move. Lay there on the floor like a corpse. But first warn your parents saying "If you make me do that I'll go limp! You'll have to drag my limp body to the dentist!" Trust me, your parents won't know what to do. the first reason why this is so effective is because they probably won't want to waste the energy yelling at you or trying to drag you to the car. This tactic worked as a child so why shouldn't it work now? Go do it, it's actually fun, I'm limp right now I've been like this for three

The Adventures of a Guy at the World's Most Strict College

Little Billy Snadsgras was taking a liesurely stroll through the park at his college. It was extremely hot because it was mid July and he was not permitted to leave campus until he graduated. Just as he always had to do he walked over to the nearest telephone and called his LDS (local dorm snitch). He did this every half hour so they would know where he was, and not expel him. The intense heat was starting to make his tight black suit chaffe so He looked around to see if anyone was looking and then...loosened his tie! Quickly the scholl authourities jumped him and he was quickly campused. Billy would sit in his empty dorm most of the summer and would suprise himself by saying "gee I wish school would start soon". But it would not so he would look out the window into the real world and weep. One day one of billies friends, Freddie horehound was in the park looking suspicious. Billie could see Him running up to door of his building below. Billie peeked his head out his rooms door and saw Randy Quiggles the local DS coming . He gave an evil look at Billie then when he passed Freddie came diving into the room. "What are you doing?" Billie yelled. Just as he spoke Freddie pulled out a small square box from his suit jacket. "whats that?!" Billie sqealled. Freddie put his hand over Billies mouth, "Please quiet thy speech! The LDM might hear you!"
Both the boys gazed in awe as freddie quietly turned on the switch, "It's a raaaddio" They both proclaimed in sheer hapiness. "Let's listen to...talk radio!" Billie whispered.
Both the boys huddled up in the corner and quitely played the radio the rest of the summer.

Deep Fried Foods: Eat Them Not

Everything can be deep fried I have discovered, everything! Chicken, onions, pickles, fish, bread, small puppies, easy cheese and milk. It does not taste good at all. So why are we continuosly poisoned by the thick hardened crusty brown grease? Young children who eat at Long John Silvers are developing ulsers. Now that deep frying machines are in all places it would be useless to try destroying them all, so what should we do with them? The first and most popular is the idea that political leaders could be deep fried which would finely preserve them far into the future. Al Gore per say, in 2040 after he is uncrusted from the deep fried state could run for president against George W's great grandkids. The deepfry could also be used as a nonlethal weapon for police or a capital punishment tool, I don't know but if you have any questions, comments or suggested uses for the deepfry call this toll free fake number for the presidential council of greasy foods, 555-grease.

The Ever Suspicous Gold Dollar

Upon close examination of these gold dollars my first question was, "why in the the name of judas did the government give us these?!"
It's been about eight months now and I still don't know. I swear I've never seen 1 person use a "sacagawea" dollar! Never!, Never ever. Not one single person, Except myself. I don't know about you but It makes me feel rich when I have a pocket full of huge gold coins. The worst part about these golden dollars is the strange looks I get from people when I try to use the coins to purchase something. It's like geez money is money! Just take it for cryin' out loud! I also dislike the coin because Sacagawea is far les attractive than Susan B. Anthony.
Now is where I warn you about the government conspiracy surrounding the dollar. First off, have you ever noticed how the coin fades a wierd dark brown color? If not go look at one it's probably not a shiny gold. This happens because the government is now trying to take the penny out of circulation. For years the penny has been used to take fingerprints of americans. All pennies made from 1990 on are this way.
The government is now using the gold dollar for fingerprints and The Mark Of The Beast! Go now and write your congressman. No forget him, write the president! Tell him you hate the gold dollar, do it for the good of America!

Jonahdad Omega: 21st Century Scripture Translator

In the joyous year 1983 a child was born in a manger, a manger made of polyester and rats wool. when he was a small child he would translate everything he could get his hands on. He would translate the back of cereal boxes into pig latin. Jonadad was extremly spiteful and angry at times and would ask his mother, "please mother tell me, why did John Wycliffe and King James not leave any scriptures for me to translate?"
His mother new not the answer and would reply, "because jonadad omega jr, your real gift in life is to translate legal documents." Upon hearing this Jonadad became angry and left his home in Queens to go where he could be appreciated. He was walking down the street one day and saw an advertisment for a contest which read "If thoust can read this than thou shalt enter the scripture translating contest. That was the thing he was waiting for, he immediatly entered the contest and won. He translated 10 time the number of scriptures than enyone else. He was given a medal as his reward, which he wears to this day.

Bring Back the Roaring Twenties

Bringing back music of the past seems to be a new fad nowadays. We brought back the 70's, disco, the fashion(kinda). And now we've brought back swing music. First it was the 70's then the 50's, If this trend continues then next should be the 80's and then after that there will truly be another golden age for America, the 20's, the 1620's that is! I'm all for it! Just picture it, by 2013 all our nations youth will be speaking old English dialect, sporting jolly old English nickers and deuling. Well maybe not but what it's really all about is the music! The finger shakin beats' of the harpsicord, the roof thumpin' piano. You can really bust a move to the sound of a Harpsicord, trust me. Think our teenagers today are depressed? Well just wait till' they've been thoroughly Anglofied by the snooty sounds. So please when 2013 does roll around go out and buy any roarin' 20's CD's and do whatever you can to support the cause!!

Amish Amusement

If you've ever been to an Amish village, gone to a craft store, seen an Amish person on tv or heck, even eaten Quaker oats, then you know that Amish folk aren't exactly exciting people. Usually the amish keep their distance but what happens when they open a themepark! I tell you what happens, Rockholm Gardens. As you pull your "horseless carriage" into the parking you don't even have to look because you know a thousand hidden eyes are peering at you. You try to ignore the creepy feeling of being watched as you stroll past an aged Amish man who appears to be in a demonic trance, and as you pass him he peers at you with glaring evil eyes. There really aren't any "gardens" in this place, just enough novelty items to attract old people. The first and almost ammusing landmark is the 8 ft tall oversized rocking chair. After sitting in the large chair, it quickly loses it's fun after about 34 seconds so you decide to go on. After visiting the chair there are two options, stand there and be board to tears or go into the giftshop. You walk to the ghostlike giftshop expecting cheap homemade food items, but as you stand there staring at the counter you notice overpriced major brands of candy. You decide to get one anyhow. "Hmm? I think I'll have the $3.99 Snickers bar. After standing there in the dark 110 degree weather for a half hour you decide to leave. Now it seems even hotter out, it's not the weather, it's your rage building up. You knew there was a Amish man watching you stand at the counter the entire time, you just knew it. The next big attraction is the Amish hero hall of fame, it's interesting enough but it's getting hot and you wanna go. Then your grandma comes running up to you with a bag filled with overpriced Amish goods."Isn't this so cute" she blabs on and on and then after you regain concsiousness you see that she is still talking "Oh this really nice Amish woman told me we should visit the house made of bottles!
"I'm pretty sure these are beer bottles grandma" you say while touching the smooth glass walls. The day continues and by now you've contemplated suicide. Finally it's time to go, after a day of pure, misery and desert like heat, the icy cold air conditioning of your car feels like the most wonderful thing ever!
Visiting an Amish "amusement" park does make you feel better about your life and makes you excited about things you never even noticed before! Like Color, communication, and modern English.

The Only Thing I'd Ever Need on a Desert Island

If I was trapped on an Island there would only be one thing I would need. And if you were trapped on an island you would want it too. What is this amazing item that I speak of? Duck tape? No. It's the wonderfully lemon scented wetwipe that come in the round plastic package, WetOnes. These tasty lemon sanitizers aren't just for cleaning. Everying you need for your survival is right in this little package. The cloths inside the box are nicely connected. So after having landed on the island you can use them as a rope to hoiste yourself up to grab coconuts(just don't pull too hard). And to go with your meal of coconuts you can drink the lemony juice inside(the nausea is natural). Being clean wouldn't be a problem either, everyday you could bathe yourself with them(rashes are natural too). what happens when you run out of wetones? No problem! The plastic packaging could keep you afloat(as long as you weigh less then 10 lbs) long enough to get you to safety. So do not underestimate the power of the wet one!!! ha ha ha ah ha ha!

"Please Don't Go, Janet" by Will McCorkle

I will miss Bill as he goes but I will hate to see Janet Reno go. What an inspiring leader! The burning of the davidians cult at Waco, the way she sent young Elian back to the commies of Cuba. Janet, we will miss the way you did your hair, your wonderful feminine features, your love for foreigners. Please don't go janet, please don't go!

New Theory About the Antichrist by Will McCorkle

After much study and thought on this complex issue, I have come to the conclusion that the antichrist will not be an American or Palestinian. He will be a European. So watch out Europe, evil is approaching.

Here are my top 7 reasons I have come to this conclusion.

1. Europeans are always next to the best (AMERICA)
2. Europeans are conceded heathens
3. Europeans are counterfeit
4. Europeans are very "religous"
5. Europe is the next worse thing to hell
6. Europeans don't have room to think for themselves
7. And Finally, Europeans are all evil

Colonel Sanders: The Life of a Japanese Spy

Who is this Kentucky colonal chicken emporer? How did this squinty eyed entrepreneur become the king of chicken, and How did was this John Hammond look-a-like able to get the money to finance his poutry kingdom? On September 9 1890, Colonal "Harland Sanders" aka Harishimo Sao-dee was born in "Henryville, Indiana" aka Hiroshima, Japan. Age ten was was when he most likely began working for the Japanese government where he was paid $2 a month. He evaded government suspicion by joining the army where he was stationed in Cuba. While he was there he would sit by the road waving a sign to passing tourists, "will trade government secrets nad fried chicken for food". One day while in Cuba he was lost in the jungle, starving, and searching for food. Here was where it all started. He clubbed a chicken and cooked it using spices he found in the jungle. So, between the selling of government secrets and Chicken he was making a good living. But it wasn't enough for this greedy man, from there he went on to several other jobs such as a railroad fireman, lawyer, sold insurance, piloted a river boat, sold tires and operated service stations. With his squinty eyes and hypnotizing charm he conned people all throughout all his travels. His big break finally came when one day in 1955, when he was living in South carolina there was a loud crash out by his barn and he felt the ground shake. He looked outside and saw the object had totally demolished his barn he limped over, peered inside and because of his military training immediatly recognized what it was. A nuclear bomb had fallen on his house that had obviously not gone off. After reporting that the US had faulty weapons, he was given $105 which he used to start his first KFC restaraunt which later in 1973 he sold for $2 million.

The Future of the Soft Drink and Its Deadly Advocate, Caffeine

Today people drink soft drinks like Coke, Mountain dew and Dr. Pepper and think nothing of it. But one day things will be much different, drinking colas will have an age limit like beer. One day in the future, a much happier future, parents will tell their children stories of how caffeine was legal, and how they drank it freely at young ages. Children of the future will only drink naturally gelapitated fruit products.
Too much beer makes people who drink it depressed, violent and can cause liver diseases. Too much caffeine makes kids hyper, addicted and drinking too much out of a can can cause alzheimers. I have seen the effects of overused caffeine first hand. For example, Christmas parties at school, kids sit in the corner chugging a 12 liter of prune laced Dr.Pepper trying to get a buzz and boy do they start acting strange! So enjoy your Caca Cola, Feel the joy of your Poopsi, and obey your thirst cause' in 10 years you'll have to obey your thirst with water my friend!

America's Slow Heritage

I become teary eyed and shaky kneed when I see the way people now-a-days hustle and bustle about. Lookin' all fancy with their crankless telephones and horseless carriages. If good country folk like Mark Twain, Honest Abe or Uncle Herschel were to see us today they would spin 2 1/2 times in their graves, take a sip a jack daniels and say "Slow down there chief!" When was the last we sipped some lemonade on the front porch with pappy and just watched him widdle? Or when was the last time you went down by the "crick" and watched the north fight the south? Probably never! Like a famous person(Me) once said, "It ain't how much ya can accomplish in a day, it's how much you can appreciate it."
I can remember when me and "Tom Sawyer" used to freely frolic in the flower filled fields. Usin' sticks to beat each other with, buildin' forts n' such and talkin with tin can telephones. Now kids are beatin' each other with computer games, buildin' portfolios and usin cell phones. We will probably never see the days of corn fritters n' home cookin' again. Not unless good honest country boys like Uncle Herschel, J. Edgar Hoover, Mussalini and Michael Jackson are cloned and they rise to power, restoring good ol' fashioned America!

Deja Vu all Over Again

"The clock doth so wonderfully toll from the hells bells"

Yes we all sense it at one time or another, De Ja' Vu. It is when you think you already saw a thing you just saw. Is it just a visual thing that triggers a "response" in your brain? I don't think it is. Let's look at the possibilities shall we? Since I expierience this phenomenon quite frequently, I'll give my opinion first. I think De' ja vu's are parts of dreams that you've had. More than once I have had a dream and during that day I've thought about it and told other people about it because I thought it was funny. And later that day part of the dream really happens. My de ja vus last 15 seconds sometime, most only last only 4.
The next thing that de ja vus could be would be that the "you" of from the future has come back to the present and caused a glitch in the space/ time continuum.
Or, we might all be living in the Matrix and everytime theres a de ja vu that means were all gonna die cuase there's a glitch.
Or, Aliens are using us a chess pawns and they don't like the move we just made so they "reverse" time and we really did relive a moment.
Or, Elvis' mothers ghost has retrieved a death stone from the land of Narnia and sent a green fox through a black hole with the hellish white satan elves from the land of cadillacs and dinosaurs and elvis and michael Jackson come back to the present and with wam bam boozle and koozy gouzle...*whew*! better slow down there chief. Well nevermind.
Just keep this thought in mind, the next time you expierience this gift of a relived moment, enjoy it.

The Man Who Will Never Die

He reached down with his big muscular arms of glory and extracted Cuba from the horrible poverty they were in, and created for his people a paradise. Even now we cower under the massive military power of Comarade Fidel Castro! He is loved by everyone, the 110 year old man seems to cheat death at every turn. The CIA cannot kill him, JFK could not tame his revolutionary power and the mafia could not pay him enough to for the secret recipe to his delicious cigars. He is envied by every tyranical ruler in the world, like sadaam Hussein. Children love him, it is rumored that he is going to start his own childrens show called Mr. Castro and friends. Please stop being mean to the old man, and please America, stop trying to intimidate him with trade sanctions. He cannot be frightened, He is a national hero and shall ever be remembered as the man who...uh, um, gee. The uh, man who Lived (seemingly) forever!!!